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I Am a Wolf Traped In a Human Body

Something I Have... I am not the first, nor will I be the last, to feel the feeling. There is some thought or instinct that comes to some and not to others. It speaks to me without words by day and has haunted me with vague phrases and images in my dreams. It has given me nightmares to show me a truth I desired within, but feared without. What is this voice, and where does it come from? Have I always known what I feel is true? How could I have known for sure, with no one to tell me and no one to guide me through my confusion but me? That sense that has guided me has brought me here, but now only my own choices and my own legs can take me where I want to be and, in my mind and in my heart, where I need to be. For I spend my time living one life while craving another, when I could never survive either side. I am meant, it seems, for both and yet there is nowhere for that. Neither the cities nor the forest can foster me entirely, and not the occasional human or the passing forest-dweller can tell me where to go. I know now, more than anyone who can be called average, the loneliness of the lost. I know that, even in a life without significant human struggle, there is still a turf war in my heart. I am not the first to ask, and I will not be the last: what am I? Who am I? Am I a wolf? No, for I have these hands and I walk like a human, and I talk like a human. But am I human? How could I be? When my closest friends and even my own parents acknowledge my "wolf-like characteristics", how can I be entirely human? What are we if not what we choose to be or what we allow ourselves to be? Which should I follow, the path that society prefers, or the one that I crave? But then, what do I crave? Is it out there? The humans walk their streets and the wolves walk the natural ground, but their is no occupation on the borderlands. There is only the choice to enter one life and leave the other. To do otherwise is to risk the fear and, as history has shown, the hatred of humanity. Even in optimism, the outcome would be laughs or claims of insanity. How can I help my nature? Is it so wrong to be different from the majority? You can say that the choice is easy, to be normal and live as a human; to live as I did when I was young. How? How can a person be normal when their own subconscious has pestered them to accept their inner self, when the behaviors you simply do out of natural instinct are unseen in the rest of the crowd, and when you are brought to tears because you know there is something you cannot access? It is something you have; something I have. I have always known to some extent, and yet I never knew. I never knew when I was young that I would grow apart from others; that when the play stopped and everyone started asking you about schooling and jobs, all of your friends would follow the track. And you would be left there, trying to comprehend something that, in your mind, you cannot make sense of. You understand that money buys things, and a job gets you money, and schooling gets you a job, but why do I want money? I like things, but I don't really need them. But when your parents know not the slightest bit of what you are, or what they are, they put you on the path with everyone else and expect you to fall into place. How can I, or how could I have? When everyday is a learning experience in human society, but all else in the world seems to be innate in my mind. How can you explain to a child that to cut one's nails is a good thing to do when you cannot even explain why people do it? You start to realize that "Just because" is a justification for a lot of things that make little sense. You start to realize that, although you are open and friendly, you are destined to not "fit in". You know you are different when, in a group of outcasts, you are still the one who seems abnormal. Only the one's closest to you or those just strange enough seem like they can handle those few words. Those words that seem to be harder than anything else to say. You feel your heart speed and your voice tremble because you fear how they will react. You want someone to know because someone has to. You cannot be alone, and your own instinct is telling you to seek others like you. But that fear that keeps you hiding, inspecting your appearance, holding back your actions, and trembling on so few words is so much to bear. You find pride in what you are, but you seek acceptance. You find strength, but you hide it to be safe. You find love, for yourself, for the world, for the people of all skins, for that one you will never let go of, but you find it most difficult to start it all with those four simple words: I am a werewolf.

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Gahnenvdotlai

I sometimes read through EP hoping to find someone, anyone who understands and experiences what I experience. Typically, I find myself frustrated by the multitude of messages posted by Children who have no true concept of the things they pretend to be. I don't mean any offense to that group, it's just frustrating and disappointing to search for so long and with so much effort to find even a single person that truly feels the way I do....that thinks the way I do...that feels just as lost and alone surrounded by family with so many unanswered questions.

In nearly 9 years of searching and reading about this, yours is the first comment to absolutely describe exactly how I feel....every single day. It used to confuse me more than I could explain, why was I made with a human body but an innate sense of self as a wolf. If some kind of creator exists, what purpose could a life like this possibly serve ? One where I can't find any answers and have no way to obtain what I crave.

I've gone through so many different emotions over the years trying to understand and deal with this. If I pretend to be just like everyone else, it only becomes more apparent that I'm nothing like most of humanity. I've settled with knowing exactly what I am, and I honestly don't care if people pick up on "something" and it makes them uncomfortable, it's only more affirmation for me... as if I needed any haha.

Anyways, your post stirred quite a bit inside that I try my best to keep from focusing on. I try to remain indifferent to the things that cannot be changed, while still hoping that something unexpected will finally provide what seems so intrinsic and yet is still missing. Thank you for taking the time to post and showing me that there really are others who think and feel exactly like I do. Here's to hoping that this life is necessary for whatever is in store for us next =)

Drachona · 31-35, M

Life, for me, is always necessary and beneficial. I make it so, and because of that I can always be sure of my life's meaning. The very fact that my words mean something to you proves ever further that what I do makes a difference, however big or small. That small success makes it worth it. I am glad that you can relate to what I have said. It helps me as well to know that there are others who feel this way and know these feelings. I have no idea what to expect in the future, but I know that I can expect more from it when I seek to improve the lives of the young, the ignorant, the lost, and the confused. That is my goal here, and helping others feel less alone along the way adds to my hope for success.

ItWasAGhostBro

You have inadvertently described everything that I have been struggling with for over the past two years now since I became fully aware of what I am.
I struggle with these feelings and thoughts every single day, and to think everything I've ever felt or thought has been put to words without the struggle of doing so myself makes me feel so much better about it than I have been.
I'm glad, grateful to the highest extent, to know that I am not alone.

You have my major respect.

Drachona · 31-35, M

Loneliness, you might find, is relative and maybe even a choice. Sometimes, you allow yourself to be alone and turn away from others because you think there is no other way. You do not have to be alone because there are others like you. It is hard to believe at first, and hard to accept that, even then, those others might be too far away from you. Nowadays, the computer is a tool for our cohesion because we cannot find each other easily or be as open as we can here. Our aliases save us here, for the most part, but that distance can still be hard to deal with. I am glad, though, that this has helped you in some way. Simultaneously, it helps me to know that there is one more person who understands this. I wish you, and all who know how this feels, infinite luck.

MakeshiftHuman

you are very good with words my friend. we usually call ourselves Therians which comes from the Theta-Delta. the Theta-Delta is a Greek symbol that means outcast, different, or unusual in nature. they used to brand criminals with it because they were different from any regular human. it is also locally known as the Therian symbol.

Drachona · 31-35, M

I know what a therian is, at least as it is defined. It is a contraction of the word therianthrope, a broader category including all human/non-human animal shifters or mixtures. Among them, I am the werewolf. I must admit though, I have not heard of this Theta-Delta symbol, but that is probably because it is a recent creation. Interesting concept, though, as long as it is not used for the wrong reasons. Nothing makes death and destruction more accessible than the invention of a symbol or image to support a cause related to forceful change.

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