I Am Getting Over My Fears
[c=#BF0000]WARNING[/c]: [c=#7700B2]You are about to read a really long post, so if you don't have the patience, skip this post. Much of what i say was painful for me to talk about, let alone write, because once it's out there, it's more real for me. So please, respect what I write. If you have any questions, feel free. Understand that if i overreact and write defensively, I still have some things to work on within myself to be better. Lastly, the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated. It's very simple, and if you follow it, I have faith you have the patience to read my story. If you think you're somehow entitled and rules don't apply to you, please leave. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. Again, it's quite simple. Respect me and respect others. [/c]
Since i was young, I always felt so sensitive to people around me. My mom and dad were overprotective because they didn't want the world to tear me apart. It was difficult to even imagine a world that didn't embrace sensitivity, yet i got some huge waves of change.
First, and foremost, I didn't make a lot of friends who I would get really close to. At least, not around my age.
I was very deep thinker as a kid, and more so as a teenager. I either thought people would be open enough to hear what I had to say, or I wouldn't think it would be worth it to share with others who really understood me. At least, i didn't always know there were others besides my family who understood me.
There were food and textures i was really particular about. Change was like a restless bug that wouldn't stop buzzing near my ear. Whenever I am facing a new change, I always need some type of outlet to get through to the other side of it.
I was, and to this day am very stubborn about certain things in life. Whether it be about a cause I'm very passionate about, or about an experience that has me thinking i need to fight back.
I'm sure there are enough of you who have (as the phrase goes) "put your foot in your mouth" and felt like you were swallowing cement, because it can be painful when you are really aware of what you say and the power that goes into it.
In the past few months, I've had a few spiritual awakenings where I've really had to stop and look at myself and the choices I make. And, in all honesty, I can be quite forceful in sharing my truths with others, with the expectation that they will accept it as the truth. This is, of course, insanity, because how can you expect people who were taught to believe in a particular truth, all the sudden switch. I'd have to be a magician to pull that off.
Now, where does this come from? I'll break it down for you. When i was younger, I went from living in a city to living in a small town where I just didn't feel as safe as I wanted to. Partially because I was one of the few bi-racial kids in the school. Secondly, I felt a cross between secretly needing the company of others and painfully shy to even look people in the eye for too long. Where does all this tie in? I was diagnosed with Asperger's when i was 10.
I cannot tell you how many times I didn't know how to communicate how I was feeling, because i didn't know what Asperger's was, let alone being highly sensitive in general. It's a learning style that impairs our ability to read social cues, yet can give us the focus to dive into whatever interest catches our eye.
Where I'm getting at is, I never knew how to stand up for myself and I couldn't imagine what it would look like. All those feelings inside, picking up how others were feeling, I felt like a mess.
Girls dressing like they were trying to be older. Acting out against authority figures. It didn't make sense to me. Boys were difficult to be around, because I couldn't understand them and i didn't know how to feel comfortable around them. There were kids who just didn't have very good parents, in my personal opinion.
Just to let you know, i used to feel so desperate to have friends, that i would choose ones who either took advantage of me, liked me because i had money, nice hair, nice clothes, or could talk about something that sounded interesting, yet not at all stimulating to the heart and soul.
All these feelings of anger, restlessness, paranoia, helplessness, lack of control, and any others i cannot think of, come back as some form of a ghost.
What I mean, is that I have had a bad habit of picking the wrong battles to fight with people, when it is about the lack of control I felt in school and around family.
Don't get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have the parents I have, even my Dad who is not physically here anymore, due to liver cancer.
In the habit of picking the wrong battles to fight, i run the risk of isolating myself and others from getting to know me. It's painful when you are so fixated on being right and not wanting to admit that you need help sometimes.
But, i have to say, there are people who I thought were nice, until i felt they were too attached for me to handle them. They use their manipulative ultimatum to make me feel guilty. I never really thought to question the guilt because i was too young to understand it fully.
My biggest battle i try to defend is with my Asperger's. I would feel i had no control over what people thought about people on the spectrum. I didn't want to get lumped in with those who made excuses to be harsh to others because they had social anxiety.
Having pity and feeling sorry for myself are things i absolutely didn't need in my life, yet it was hard to escape it. I find myself "making up for lost time" when i get aggressively defensive about the possibility of others thinking ill of me for having Asperger's, like how is she getting special accommodations and not me? why is she so special? I would feel self conscious about teachers liking me because i was afraid it would lead to kids making fun of me more. You just don't want to rock the boat.
Not believing I deserved to raise my hand when i had an answer or a question to ask. Not participating fully in class activities because i felt powerless because I gave in too easily. Not thinking what i said would matter to others. Now, can you imagine how much of an extreme I've gone to, to prove I do have empathy, I do care about people a great deal, I am not typical, and just because I seem like I have it all together, doesn't mean i always do on the inside.
It's taken a lot of self-reflection for me to step back in situations, instead of going in full force, no matter how chaotic it feels. It's a weird fixation to others reactions I have that can sink me into a pool of insanity. And it made me realize earlier, that, i attract the people to me that i manifest in my mind. Many of those are wounded, because that's the part of me that loses my power to people who don't deserve my time or energy. Now, there are those who are wounded, yet they are humbled by beauty, and that is what speaks to me on a deeper level. That is what i want to continue to manifest, because I believe i deserve the best, no matter how my child/preteen/teenage self believed for a long time.
This is probably the longest story I've written on here. What i don't need, is anyone telling me how to live my life. What i do want is to hear from people who are humbled by their experiences and not so proud they think their sensitivities are weaknesses.
Remember, please respect my story and others who want to reach out. I live by the golden rule, or at least i live it as much as i can: treat others how you ACTUALLY want to be treated.
Since i was young, I always felt so sensitive to people around me. My mom and dad were overprotective because they didn't want the world to tear me apart. It was difficult to even imagine a world that didn't embrace sensitivity, yet i got some huge waves of change.
First, and foremost, I didn't make a lot of friends who I would get really close to. At least, not around my age.
I was very deep thinker as a kid, and more so as a teenager. I either thought people would be open enough to hear what I had to say, or I wouldn't think it would be worth it to share with others who really understood me. At least, i didn't always know there were others besides my family who understood me.
There were food and textures i was really particular about. Change was like a restless bug that wouldn't stop buzzing near my ear. Whenever I am facing a new change, I always need some type of outlet to get through to the other side of it.
I was, and to this day am very stubborn about certain things in life. Whether it be about a cause I'm very passionate about, or about an experience that has me thinking i need to fight back.
I'm sure there are enough of you who have (as the phrase goes) "put your foot in your mouth" and felt like you were swallowing cement, because it can be painful when you are really aware of what you say and the power that goes into it.
In the past few months, I've had a few spiritual awakenings where I've really had to stop and look at myself and the choices I make. And, in all honesty, I can be quite forceful in sharing my truths with others, with the expectation that they will accept it as the truth. This is, of course, insanity, because how can you expect people who were taught to believe in a particular truth, all the sudden switch. I'd have to be a magician to pull that off.
Now, where does this come from? I'll break it down for you. When i was younger, I went from living in a city to living in a small town where I just didn't feel as safe as I wanted to. Partially because I was one of the few bi-racial kids in the school. Secondly, I felt a cross between secretly needing the company of others and painfully shy to even look people in the eye for too long. Where does all this tie in? I was diagnosed with Asperger's when i was 10.
I cannot tell you how many times I didn't know how to communicate how I was feeling, because i didn't know what Asperger's was, let alone being highly sensitive in general. It's a learning style that impairs our ability to read social cues, yet can give us the focus to dive into whatever interest catches our eye.
Where I'm getting at is, I never knew how to stand up for myself and I couldn't imagine what it would look like. All those feelings inside, picking up how others were feeling, I felt like a mess.
Girls dressing like they were trying to be older. Acting out against authority figures. It didn't make sense to me. Boys were difficult to be around, because I couldn't understand them and i didn't know how to feel comfortable around them. There were kids who just didn't have very good parents, in my personal opinion.
Just to let you know, i used to feel so desperate to have friends, that i would choose ones who either took advantage of me, liked me because i had money, nice hair, nice clothes, or could talk about something that sounded interesting, yet not at all stimulating to the heart and soul.
All these feelings of anger, restlessness, paranoia, helplessness, lack of control, and any others i cannot think of, come back as some form of a ghost.
What I mean, is that I have had a bad habit of picking the wrong battles to fight with people, when it is about the lack of control I felt in school and around family.
Don't get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have the parents I have, even my Dad who is not physically here anymore, due to liver cancer.
In the habit of picking the wrong battles to fight, i run the risk of isolating myself and others from getting to know me. It's painful when you are so fixated on being right and not wanting to admit that you need help sometimes.
But, i have to say, there are people who I thought were nice, until i felt they were too attached for me to handle them. They use their manipulative ultimatum to make me feel guilty. I never really thought to question the guilt because i was too young to understand it fully.
My biggest battle i try to defend is with my Asperger's. I would feel i had no control over what people thought about people on the spectrum. I didn't want to get lumped in with those who made excuses to be harsh to others because they had social anxiety.
Having pity and feeling sorry for myself are things i absolutely didn't need in my life, yet it was hard to escape it. I find myself "making up for lost time" when i get aggressively defensive about the possibility of others thinking ill of me for having Asperger's, like how is she getting special accommodations and not me? why is she so special? I would feel self conscious about teachers liking me because i was afraid it would lead to kids making fun of me more. You just don't want to rock the boat.
Not believing I deserved to raise my hand when i had an answer or a question to ask. Not participating fully in class activities because i felt powerless because I gave in too easily. Not thinking what i said would matter to others. Now, can you imagine how much of an extreme I've gone to, to prove I do have empathy, I do care about people a great deal, I am not typical, and just because I seem like I have it all together, doesn't mean i always do on the inside.
It's taken a lot of self-reflection for me to step back in situations, instead of going in full force, no matter how chaotic it feels. It's a weird fixation to others reactions I have that can sink me into a pool of insanity. And it made me realize earlier, that, i attract the people to me that i manifest in my mind. Many of those are wounded, because that's the part of me that loses my power to people who don't deserve my time or energy. Now, there are those who are wounded, yet they are humbled by beauty, and that is what speaks to me on a deeper level. That is what i want to continue to manifest, because I believe i deserve the best, no matter how my child/preteen/teenage self believed for a long time.
This is probably the longest story I've written on here. What i don't need, is anyone telling me how to live my life. What i do want is to hear from people who are humbled by their experiences and not so proud they think their sensitivities are weaknesses.
Remember, please respect my story and others who want to reach out. I live by the golden rule, or at least i live it as much as i can: treat others how you ACTUALLY want to be treated.
31-35, F
