I Miss My Grandfather
My paternal grandfather. He's not dead, but is quite miserable and has had quite a miserable marriage from what my father says.
My dad has never had a strong emotional connection/relationship with his parents. He has talked to me about it many times over several years. It's just accelerated from bad to worse every year. His mother in particular is a very mean and hateful woman. It's bad enough that all 3 of their kids have parted from their lives.
My dad partially understands my grandfather's behavior for putting up with the out of control crap over the decades. My grandfather did something very wrong many years ago, and my dad believes that he is sincerely sorry for it, so he has been a scapegoat basically for decades to his wife. She will never, ever forgive him and we believe that she's dedicating the rest of her life to making his life hell. She says and has done a lot of things to other family members too, including me.
My dad has had quite a few long talks with me. A part of me wants to show my grandfather that I care about him, even though he didn't care to get to know me growing up. He may die anytime for all I know. He's going to be 70 in March, but he looking like hell lately from what I've been told. I know that it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but my dad's gf's mother died last April and she went to a psychic hoping to find closure with her mother's spirit. The psychic also said that there was a man in my dad's family, she said she was seeing the letter 'B.', that was not doing very well at all. She said something about that someone should get in contact with him because he's doing terrible. My grandfather's name starts with a B.
I just wish I could get closer to him before he dies. I know how much of a miserable man he is now. I told my dad if I happen to get a call soon saying my grandfather is dying and he might be dead at any time, I want to tell him on my deathbed how I feel about him. I also want to ask him so many questions. Maybe, just MAYBE he'd speak out because he would be in his final hours.
My dad says it's a lost cause to get to know him because he's been trying to get through to him and make an effort to get to know him his entire life. My dad gets very frusterated when he talks about it. I think it's because he doesn't want me to be hurt as deeply as it has hurt him, the rejection. Dad says my grandfather is a dead, shell of a man. A zombie. He will not let anyone get to know him. He was a stranger in the house for my dad growing up.
I noticed, truly noticed for the first time last year exactly what my dad was talking about. We stopped in to my grandparents house for just a minute, and I brought something I had been meaning to give to my grandfather for months. It was a photocopied picture of his mother taken in the late 1930's, the class of 6th and 7th graders I think.
I gave it to him and explained to him what it was and how I had been meaning to get it to him, with an awkward, nervous smile. I said, "I didn't know if you had seen this picture or not. Dad said you might like it."
He said he hadn't seen it. I wish I had focused on his face, but that day I was avoiding looking into his eyes for very long.
He thanked me in a monotone voice, a half-dead souless voice that today has made me wonder that he didn't really like it. But I'm trying to remind myself that I don't think deep down that it was anything personal, he's just as my dad said: a dead shell of a man.
I want to see him soon really bad. I don't expect to get through to him, but I just wish...just once for me to see that he can acknowledge that I am trying to be nice and show I care.
My dad has never had a strong emotional connection/relationship with his parents. He has talked to me about it many times over several years. It's just accelerated from bad to worse every year. His mother in particular is a very mean and hateful woman. It's bad enough that all 3 of their kids have parted from their lives.
My dad partially understands my grandfather's behavior for putting up with the out of control crap over the decades. My grandfather did something very wrong many years ago, and my dad believes that he is sincerely sorry for it, so he has been a scapegoat basically for decades to his wife. She will never, ever forgive him and we believe that she's dedicating the rest of her life to making his life hell. She says and has done a lot of things to other family members too, including me.
My dad has had quite a few long talks with me. A part of me wants to show my grandfather that I care about him, even though he didn't care to get to know me growing up. He may die anytime for all I know. He's going to be 70 in March, but he looking like hell lately from what I've been told. I know that it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but my dad's gf's mother died last April and she went to a psychic hoping to find closure with her mother's spirit. The psychic also said that there was a man in my dad's family, she said she was seeing the letter 'B.', that was not doing very well at all. She said something about that someone should get in contact with him because he's doing terrible. My grandfather's name starts with a B.
I just wish I could get closer to him before he dies. I know how much of a miserable man he is now. I told my dad if I happen to get a call soon saying my grandfather is dying and he might be dead at any time, I want to tell him on my deathbed how I feel about him. I also want to ask him so many questions. Maybe, just MAYBE he'd speak out because he would be in his final hours.
My dad says it's a lost cause to get to know him because he's been trying to get through to him and make an effort to get to know him his entire life. My dad gets very frusterated when he talks about it. I think it's because he doesn't want me to be hurt as deeply as it has hurt him, the rejection. Dad says my grandfather is a dead, shell of a man. A zombie. He will not let anyone get to know him. He was a stranger in the house for my dad growing up.
I noticed, truly noticed for the first time last year exactly what my dad was talking about. We stopped in to my grandparents house for just a minute, and I brought something I had been meaning to give to my grandfather for months. It was a photocopied picture of his mother taken in the late 1930's, the class of 6th and 7th graders I think.
I gave it to him and explained to him what it was and how I had been meaning to get it to him, with an awkward, nervous smile. I said, "I didn't know if you had seen this picture or not. Dad said you might like it."
He said he hadn't seen it. I wish I had focused on his face, but that day I was avoiding looking into his eyes for very long.
He thanked me in a monotone voice, a half-dead souless voice that today has made me wonder that he didn't really like it. But I'm trying to remind myself that I don't think deep down that it was anything personal, he's just as my dad said: a dead shell of a man.
I want to see him soon really bad. I don't expect to get through to him, but I just wish...just once for me to see that he can acknowledge that I am trying to be nice and show I care.
26-30, F
