Wow not even sure what to say here. What you wrote really touched me. You can certainly write and express yourself so well. Don't know if what you wrote is real or not but found it deep. If it's true I certainly hope you find what you have missed for so long.

Understandable feelings of wanting to be wanted...cheerished....to feel like you matter to someone. I hope youve found someone in your journey that makes you feel that way now.

Did your mom ever try to explain why she was not validating you? Did she just ignore the notes under the door without mention? Did she smack back or shout back when your requests became louder?

It's easy to get ignored in a crowded room, but in a tiny group of just 2 or 5, if treated as an outsider when you aren't there is something else going on.

I admire your introspection and honesty.

I wish you the best on finding the caring and open communications you deserve

Don’t change anything. You will win through.

You were angry and jealous of being neglected by your mother?

😌