@CommandLine thanks for that

@DoubleRings Sounds like it's incredibly stressful just now.

Marital strife comes in triplicate, each spouse's own issues plus the shared dynamics.

I needed help to deal with my bouts of depression.
We discovered he has ADHD and the Ritalin has helped him enormously in all areas of his life, including our relationship.
Ari and I find NVC (Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication) helps us a great deal.

Did you know you can use anti-allergy tablets as an aid to getting to sleep? Not good to use them all the time, but very good when especially stressed or to help restore one's sleep routines.

@hartfire think my hubby is adhd also but you’ll never get him to do anything about it even just to get assessed.

Also i didn’t know it about allergy stuff but I do have night time Advil and xanax and even prescription sleep meds but they all make me have a bit of a sleep hangover in the morning.

@DoubleRings There's a fantastic book that really helped me,
"Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder" by GIna Pera.

The first thing it did was give me HUGE comfort at relief - I discovered it's normal for spouses and relatives of ADD or ADHD adults to feel like they're going mad because the miscommunications, broken agreements and disorganisation around these adults is like living with a toddler. It's NORMAL for us to feel that way - and to get to the point of desperation, despair and severe depression - we're stuck in a situation that we're powerless to change or influence because the biggest problem really is in the physiology of their brain; it's handicap they literally have no power over.

Second, it showed me what's possible with treatment.
The diagnosis starts with seeing a psychiatrist. If it's possible to see a specialist in Adult ADHD, that is by far the most helpful because they have so much more expertise with the different types and the treatments. But we live in a rural area so we had to be satisfied with travelling two hours to the nearest general psychiatrist. He did the DSM5 standardized test, interviewed Ari, and then interviewed me. What's important about this is that the person with ADD or ADHD usually has only a very poor sense of what's wrong; the nature of the problem makes it very hard for them to know how or why they can't function as others do.
So the specialist is reliant on how the spouse or close relative experiences the ADD Adult.
The results of the test and interviews produce a provisional diagnosis.
The second stage is to try Ritalin. If it works the diagnosis is confirmed. Ritalin is actually a very mild drug given in tiny doses. If there is no effect it means the person doesn't have ADD.
he dosage is 1-4 tablets twice a day, depending on the severity of the disorder. Finding out which dosage works best is a matter of experiment, starting on the lowest dosage first and seeing how effective it is. Too much can make the person a bit agitated and over anxious - so then just back off to a slightly lower dose, or at non-critical times don't take it. For some people Ritalin is not a good match, so they have a couple of other similar drugs, and it usually turns out that one of them does the job.

I was amazed at what a difference Ritalin made within the first half hour of taking the first dose! Now Ari replies with relevant answers, stays on topic in conversations, focuses on whatever he was doing, no longer speeds when driving. He's even become more aware of what happens between us in bed (yep - their attention wonders in the sack - no idea how I was responding and nothing to do with lack of signalling or even saying on my part).

Of course it doesn't cure all the problems. With an adult, they've had all their formative years being influenced by their own brain and how it forces them to interact differently with themselves, others and the world. They've developed adaptive strategies and these have become a kind of comfort zone, whether they work effectively or not.
Intelligence does make a huge difference. The really bright ones learn to compensate very effectively and can be very successful at work and in life - even if their idiosyncrasies still drive their loved ones mad.

Where we live, to get the drug free the diagnosis requires a 2nd opinion. The 2nd shrink did a few extra tests to check for dementia. That was where I got another shock. I had always known that my husband had poor visual-spatial skills and almost no sense of time - but his lacks were way beyond the typical organisational problems in ADD. His visual spatial skills were way below that of a three year old; he couldn't draw a cube or clock face. HIs sense of timing was nonexistent. He couldn't manage simple logical problems or arithmetic, and couldn't count backwards from 100 by increments of seven. When asked to remember seven items he managed three. Despite the early signs of mild dementia, the 2nd shrink confirmed that A does have ADHD. Thank heavens for the now affordable Ritalin! It has made his life easier, and saved my sanity and our relationship.

Third, it showed me that if the Adult with ADD is willing to receive help, it is possible to help them, but it requires immense patience and persistence.
In this last respect, I've been disappointed. While Ritalin helps enormously, the ADD adult still needs to learn how to organise their space and time - simple things like a place for everything, using a calendar, keeping lists and a journal to assist memory. He's getting a little better as some of these things, but because he has always cherished spontaneity, he still runs into problems resulting from the chaos: lost keys, glasses, tools, debit card, forgetting conversations and things that happened, etc.
His character was formed during a time when almost no one knew about ADD. WHen he didn't obey his mother, she thought it was deliberate and punished him. When he failed to learn at school, he was put in the lowest class and had to repeat years; no one thought to try to diagnose a learning disability. He developed low confidence and ways of side-stepping whatever was too difficult.

I watched a TV program in which 50 people with Adult ADHD were interviewed. The extraordinary thing was how vastly different they all were. The bright ones were as astonishing as any genius. They had each dealt with and adapted to their disabilities in different ways.

I hope my sharing all this might have helped you in some way.
You welcome to pm me if you wish.
warmly,
M

@Barebum61 funny enough he agrees that would def end any conflict