Editor's notes - Prayers of the lost soul
Hi.
I've been spending a lot of my free time listening to prayers.
They've helped a lot.
I guess it's the sound vibrations - holy, transcendental, pure, healing; I'm not sure what the right words would be.
I picked up a copy of the Guru Granth Sahib online, and spent some time reading it, going through large portions of it.
I had a physical copy of it a few years ago but I don't have it with me now.
It spoke to me.
I felt like the words spoke to me.
The prayers I've posted are from the Guru Granth Sahib.
They aren't my words. But I felt them in my heart.
I was lost.
And I still am.
I can't say with firm conviction that I found my purpose or calling in life.
But this was something special.
An eye opener.
I am a sinner.
I have committed so many sinful acts in the past.
I have hurt so many people and done so many bad things.
There's something I might have to do in the very near future, that wouldn't make me favorable in the eyes of the Lord and the scriptures.
I have lied, I have stolen, I have cheated, I have wished bad things for people I didn't like, I have hurt people, I have inflicted extreme pain and suffering on others.
There are many instances where I hurt people when I didn't want to, or intend to.
I was harsh and cruel and selfish and greedy and self-serving and I didn't take others into account.
And I wish I could take it back so badly, because I never intended to hurt them at all.
I could not even think of hurting them. But because I'm an id!ot and a f00l, I acted rashly without much thought and in the process I caused a lot of damage. I had no self control.
And then there have been many instances where I walked into a room with the sole purpose of hurting someone. And I did exactly that. Without remorse. Without empathy. Without compassion.
I have been ruthless.
I wish it weren't so.
I wish they'd never run into me. I wish our paths had never crossed.
Is there forgiveness for men like me?
Can I be excused?
I don't think so.
I'll have to go to hell.
I will have to pay for my sins.
I wish it weren't so.
I wish.
It's a lot to take in, right?
It's a hard pill to swallow.
I used to think not so long ago, that I was a good person. And I have thought that many times - I am a good person.
But it turned out on so many occasions that I wasn't. I was a bad person. Bad to the bone.*
And I turned to prayers as a last resort.
When you don't have anyone, the Lord is your last resort.
Because people can only do so much for you, right?
And I read the scriptures, and I discover just how doomed I am, just how full of sin I am.
But I can change.
I think I've got it in me to be a good person.
There's so much to sacrifice, when I think about following the path of God.
But then again, what have I not sacrificed already?
What have I not lost?
I have a lot to work on.
I need to put so much work into myself.
I've realized just how weak and fragile I can be.
And of course how sinful I can be.
There's not much I can do except keep pushing forward, right?
I mean, what's done is done.
All my sins, all my wrongdoings - none of them can be undone. They'll always remain a mark in my legacy.
I speak of legacy like I'm a high profile superstar or special guy but really, I'm just a nobody.
[sep]
So many broken promises.
I remember them all now. At least most of them.
I remember falling in love with someone and telling her I would love her till death did us apart.
Life did us apart.
And we aren't together anymore.
I remember telling one partner that I would never love again if we broke up.
But I did.
I fell in love again, and yet again.
Broken promises.
There has to be a punishment for that, isn't there?
Some sort of karma, in some form, in some way, that would make me pay for the broken promises. Or can I call them false promises? Or lies?
I did mean everything that I said in those moments.
I just didn't keep my word like I'd said.
I think all the things that I've done, have accumulated, accounted for, and resulted in my present situation.
I have paid the price time and again.
But it has never been enough.
What's the price for breaking someone's heart?
Yes. I have broken someone's heart in the past.
It pains me to this day. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I wish I had not.
I wish I had been gentle.
I wish I had been kind.
I wish I had been caring.
I wish I had been loving, and not the selfish kind of loving, but the selfless pure kind of loving. Without any expectations, or conditions, or personal wants or needs or desires.
Just to give love and expect nothing in return.
But I wasn't able to do that.
[sep]
Jealousy.
I've felt it.
When someone talked to or flirted with a woman that I liked, I'd get jealous.
Jealousy.
Possessiveness.
Hey! That's my woman! Mine! Get away from her!
Shoo! Shoo!
What made her mine?
Was she my property?
Did I own her?
No.
I own nothing.
Not even my own body.
When I die, this body will be left here.
Yet somehow, my stupid heart and mind thought some woman was mine because I had feelings for her.
Such a low level of thinking.
Anger.
I've felt angry so many times in the past.
I've reacted out of anger when I should've stayed calm and let things cool down.
Hatred.
I've hated some people.
These are all vices.
Vices that have soiled my mind. My consciousness.
There's so much I have to work on.
Sometimes I think that I'm perfect. But it's an illusion. It's a self-consolation by the mind to satisfy my own ego.
The truth is bitter. I'm far from perfect. But I hate to think that. It makes me miserable.
I want to be perfect.
There's so much left to think about.
So much left unsaid.
But I hope that one day I will become pure, untainted. Like a lotus flower. Like an angel.
* Bad to the bone, motherfvcker. Those are lyrics. There's a song called Bad Motherfvcker. By Hinder. I won't post it here. But you can look it up and give it a listen.
I've been spending a lot of my free time listening to prayers.
They've helped a lot.
I guess it's the sound vibrations - holy, transcendental, pure, healing; I'm not sure what the right words would be.
I picked up a copy of the Guru Granth Sahib online, and spent some time reading it, going through large portions of it.
I had a physical copy of it a few years ago but I don't have it with me now.
It spoke to me.
I felt like the words spoke to me.
The prayers I've posted are from the Guru Granth Sahib.
They aren't my words. But I felt them in my heart.
I was lost.
And I still am.
I can't say with firm conviction that I found my purpose or calling in life.
But this was something special.
An eye opener.
I am a sinner.
I have committed so many sinful acts in the past.
I have hurt so many people and done so many bad things.
There's something I might have to do in the very near future, that wouldn't make me favorable in the eyes of the Lord and the scriptures.
I have lied, I have stolen, I have cheated, I have wished bad things for people I didn't like, I have hurt people, I have inflicted extreme pain and suffering on others.
There are many instances where I hurt people when I didn't want to, or intend to.
I was harsh and cruel and selfish and greedy and self-serving and I didn't take others into account.
And I wish I could take it back so badly, because I never intended to hurt them at all.
I could not even think of hurting them. But because I'm an id!ot and a f00l, I acted rashly without much thought and in the process I caused a lot of damage. I had no self control.
And then there have been many instances where I walked into a room with the sole purpose of hurting someone. And I did exactly that. Without remorse. Without empathy. Without compassion.
I have been ruthless.
I wish it weren't so.
I wish they'd never run into me. I wish our paths had never crossed.
Is there forgiveness for men like me?
Can I be excused?
I don't think so.
I'll have to go to hell.
I will have to pay for my sins.
I wish it weren't so.
I wish.
It's a lot to take in, right?
It's a hard pill to swallow.
I used to think not so long ago, that I was a good person. And I have thought that many times - I am a good person.
But it turned out on so many occasions that I wasn't. I was a bad person. Bad to the bone.*
And I turned to prayers as a last resort.
When you don't have anyone, the Lord is your last resort.
Because people can only do so much for you, right?
And I read the scriptures, and I discover just how doomed I am, just how full of sin I am.
But I can change.
I think I've got it in me to be a good person.
There's so much to sacrifice, when I think about following the path of God.
But then again, what have I not sacrificed already?
What have I not lost?
I have a lot to work on.
I need to put so much work into myself.
I've realized just how weak and fragile I can be.
And of course how sinful I can be.
There's not much I can do except keep pushing forward, right?
I mean, what's done is done.
All my sins, all my wrongdoings - none of them can be undone. They'll always remain a mark in my legacy.
I speak of legacy like I'm a high profile superstar or special guy but really, I'm just a nobody.
[sep]
So many broken promises.
I remember them all now. At least most of them.
I remember falling in love with someone and telling her I would love her till death did us apart.
Life did us apart.
And we aren't together anymore.
I remember telling one partner that I would never love again if we broke up.
But I did.
I fell in love again, and yet again.
Broken promises.
There has to be a punishment for that, isn't there?
Some sort of karma, in some form, in some way, that would make me pay for the broken promises. Or can I call them false promises? Or lies?
I did mean everything that I said in those moments.
I just didn't keep my word like I'd said.
I think all the things that I've done, have accumulated, accounted for, and resulted in my present situation.
I have paid the price time and again.
But it has never been enough.
What's the price for breaking someone's heart?
Yes. I have broken someone's heart in the past.
It pains me to this day. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I wish I had not.
I wish I had been gentle.
I wish I had been kind.
I wish I had been caring.
I wish I had been loving, and not the selfish kind of loving, but the selfless pure kind of loving. Without any expectations, or conditions, or personal wants or needs or desires.
Just to give love and expect nothing in return.
But I wasn't able to do that.
[sep]
Jealousy.
I've felt it.
When someone talked to or flirted with a woman that I liked, I'd get jealous.
Jealousy.
Possessiveness.
Hey! That's my woman! Mine! Get away from her!
Shoo! Shoo!
What made her mine?
Was she my property?
Did I own her?
No.
I own nothing.
Not even my own body.
When I die, this body will be left here.
Yet somehow, my stupid heart and mind thought some woman was mine because I had feelings for her.
Such a low level of thinking.
Anger.
I've felt angry so many times in the past.
I've reacted out of anger when I should've stayed calm and let things cool down.
Hatred.
I've hated some people.
These are all vices.
Vices that have soiled my mind. My consciousness.
There's so much I have to work on.
Sometimes I think that I'm perfect. But it's an illusion. It's a self-consolation by the mind to satisfy my own ego.
The truth is bitter. I'm far from perfect. But I hate to think that. It makes me miserable.
I want to be perfect.
There's so much left to think about.
So much left unsaid.
But I hope that one day I will become pure, untainted. Like a lotus flower. Like an angel.
* Bad to the bone, motherfvcker. Those are lyrics. There's a song called Bad Motherfvcker. By Hinder. I won't post it here. But you can look it up and give it a listen.
31-35, M
