thanks for asking . . .

I don't want to belittle on line dating, because I have a lot of friends who have found someone on the various dating sites. And I myself found my current husband on line. It took almost four years of dating on and off, with break ups, and re-unitings, and large hunks of time seperated, to where we were both were ready to finally get together. I should point out that we didn't live together before we got married.

it took a lot of negotiation about money, our seperate families and how we would treat them as far as how much time we would spend with them. My family was easy with only one brother and I have a daughter who is grown. His family was absorbed in strife and argueing and jockeying for who was going to get what when he died. They also perceived me at threat to be inherit everything.

I would seek a wife. Living alone stinks, some can do it, some can't. I liked some things about being single, one I could go anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted.

I would actually downplay all the romantic stuff. That sounds strange, but concentrate on some one who will be good for you, and really get to know them. And be honest and make yourself known to that person.

I have a problem with the Hallmark Channel the way they churn out all those gushy programs where they oversatuate it emotion. The emotion will come in time. But here is where you will have to lay your baggage on the table and be willing to listen and accept hers, and hope that you'll accept each other's baggage. It's a bargain, a negotiation, a compromise in some areas, so do this first on not later.

This helped me greatly. He wanted to get married shortly after we met, but I wasn't ready. He is twelve years older than I am, but very healthy and vigorous for his age. And so we started the dance. He'd call up and propose each week and I'd say something like, "Sorry, it's laundry day."

I put him off forever, and thought he'd go away eventually. But finally I got to know him well enough that I realized he was a very good man. He loved my daughter like a father and was great with my brother and his two children. He had sort of a rough way of dealing with people but down deep he was very caring. So it takes time to really get to know some one ..

hoo boy, I've run over again .. but thanks again for asking

Monique

I think you're right to a point, but in relationships in particular, we all carry it with us. I didn't come up with the word emotional baggage, somebody else did, and it seems to have stuck. So kudos to who ever invented it.

But for a mate or partner to ignore it, minimize it, or totally dimiss it, is basically telling that person that they're not allowed to express themselves fully. And that can lead to awkward or stifled mannerisms of expessions, and be ultimately afraid to fully express themselves.
That inability to express can get bottled up sometimes, and be uncorked in anger. And, we don't want that.

I enjoyed the story and your answers to the comments. every thing you said makes perfect sense if I was single I would probably date until I found some one to marry .I do enjoy my alone time but over all living alone I'm sure I would not like it .I think most people wish to have some one rely on them ,sex and romance are only a part of a couples life together but understanding ,and compassion, and companionship I believe over all are more important in the long run .a wise man once told me don't remarry for at least 5 years after a death or divorce of a spouse you settle for less than you deserve learn to love your self first .embrace your baggage sort it out and get it in the proper perspective first ,and be open with your next spouse love them like them and respect them they probably have baggage too.

Keep practicing ..

I know a man who's 80 years old who flirts with everyone from little girls to old ladies on their death bed . . . . and they all love it !

why does EVERYONE like long walks on the beach? what if you dont live near a beach? what the hell are you supposed to do? Go to the nearest playground and walk in circles? Playgrounds dont have sand any longer. What if there is a dead whale on the beach and it stinks like crazy? Is this a nude beach, or a beach in tijuana filled with trash?Is this coney Island Beach with a million people on it? WTF! BORING I want a marriage of taking out the trash and binge watching firefly together

:) I think friends can sometimes be more valuable than lovers.

Quite a few friends and relatives went through similar. In some cases, I think picking one another as lovers rather than friends didn't help but lead to more broken hearts. In the "over 50" crowd, the baggage may sometimes be semi-permanent, and the best one can do is find the accommodation. Emotional and other type baggage are like chronic diseases or conditions. Many people live very happy and fulfilling lives in spite of the fact that they have diabetes, or arthritis, have missing limbs, etc. But it's a lot easier to experience that happiness and fulfillment if you you are surrounded by friends, family, lovers, etc who are understanding and accept you as you are rather than who or what they want you to be.

aldnazmeister
sorry if I misled you, I've been married three years. I wrote the story a while ago on EP before I was married ..

bamaboylick
got i

marvingaye,
I'm trying to remember you from EP... can you give me a hint ? if not, wait til we have private messaging here ...


Monique

aldnazmeister
I think I have a lengthy post on here on flirting .. flirting is a playful to do a little verbal jousting with some one don't know .... or maybe you do know !!!

I too have been divorced for 10 years, and contemplate the idea of a serious relationship. However, I recently saw a post on Facebook that made me think: A good man is one that looks for a future wife instead of a girlfriend. What are your thoughts on that? Is it better to have a girlfriend that can be a serious relationship, that fulfills the needs of both people. Or should one look for a future marriage, and possibly miss out on some great friendships/relationships that they could have had along the way?

but let's get to the subject at hand . .. emotional baggage, and how we deal with as we enter into new relationships ... right ?

Monique

Very well said. Everyone should have to read this before entering into another relationship lol. Thanks

Agree .... good relationships have to accommodate whatever emotional baggage comes with the person. Everyone has some. Life is like a journey, and relationships are our travel companions. You can't just say you have to "pitch that bag" if you want to come along. If it's a big bag you may have to help carry it. If too heavy you might say: "wow this is heavy! what's in it?" But it's their bag, they decide when to lighten the load.

Dear innocentfun4u,

I couldn't agree more .. and oh by the way I am laughing like crazy with your images of beach scenes .. the dead and bloated whale is the best !

Someone once said, "the sea is literally alive with many dead things . . ." which you quickly smell when you're near it ..

but I applaud your simplicity of watching a movie together ..
what is firely ?

with thanks,
Monique

thank you bamaboylick ..
boy, there's a name ..

all my kids are hooked on buffy. the first season is a little slow, but then it gets much better after that. It is a great way to bond with your kids. It is also deal breaker number four with anyone you date. If the guy doesn't like any of them, drop him like a hot potato.

True enough,
I had a heavy bag after my divorce. It took several years of regular counseling to lighten the load, wondering if I could ever have any kind of relationship, let alone get married again . Making a few good friends helped a lot.

Nice to hear from you Heartlander,
Monique

:) a friend, especially a a soulmate qualitty friend, helps with the baggage, whether at the airport or in the heart.

If on a long trip and one discovers that there are too many suitcases it's ok to consolidate, repack, and abandon one of the suitcases; or just give to a nice stranger.

Carissimi .. thank you !

ok, one guitar .. 🙃

It is okay that you had a lengthy response. At least you answered my question; that it is better to look for a future wife versus just a girlfriend. :)
Darn it, and here I thought that you were still available based on your story. :(

whaaaaat? you dont know firefly? by joss whedon? same guy who did buffy the vampire slayer and serenity? Go on netflix, gert some popcorn, and start watching. best series ever. funny, charming, thought provoking.

have heard of buffy the vampire slayer, but never watched it .. didn't mean to veer from emotinal baggage .. hope to keep the story on the beacon ..

(will check out buffy, my niece and nephew probably know what it is)

:) BTW, this brings to mind an old John Prine song from his "Lost Dogs.." album that was inspired by personal ads: "We are the Lonely"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD9Hqko7ts4

@Monique, emotional baggage impacts the progress of a relationship, but many people have it, but just need to learn how to deal with it.

I agree with you; emotional baggage needs to be addressed and expressed so that a couple knows how to deal with it.

Love this essay. To call it a story diminishes it. Do I detect a bit of Buddhist thinking here?

"El Tiante" was quite a pitcher .. he would almost turn completely backwards before releasing his pitches ...

I remember a young friend who worked for a Volkswagen specialist. Nice to see you writing, Monique ... hllbilly

@Moniqueinspring, no worries darling. It was a good story; and I am a big flirt. :)

I remember Tiant.... that's been a while ago

that's all right . . . I'm not a collector of anything ...

I agree, flirting can be fun either way. ;)

My name tells all about me lol

You "had" it? You mean you don't now ?

me neither.. but guitars don't count

Wonderful post!

An excellent post!

I had his baseball card

I agree! :-D :-D :-F

sadly,no :(