I cannot write in words, or describe this in words, this point where i have reached now. I used to read all the stories, experiences and so many snippets about devotion, about spirituality, about kindness and love, about God and his ways with those devoted to him. I loved reading them then, I still love reading them now although with a subtle difference.
And that difference being, tiny bits of experiences or rather conscious awareness of those few moments sometimes...when nothing makes sense and i'm in awe! Of the tiny flower, of the bird flying by, of people all around that are so different from one another yet are so similar.. i'm in awe of the cities and places, everything in nature, the wind and the sky, the sun and the moon.. I'm in awe!
The words are not the feelings or the experience, they try to describe it, but they are not the experience. I used to read the words and those beautiful stories but i didnt know what it was then. Knowing intellectually and experiencing actually are two different things, arent they..
Few months back, i went on a trip alone in a completely unknown big city, stayed there without a single person knowing exactly where i was, (not even my best friend) which was a huge step for me since i never did anything like that before..and while walking around the city for 2-3 hours, i found not just freedom, but a kind of safeness that i cant begin to describe. Since then i've been goin on more such random walks.
And on one such long walk recently, i walked for around 3 hours again, in streets that i didnt know of, getting lost, although intutively guessing the way and walking....i realized something and that was one constant thought during the whole walk that day.
"Nothing is mine, not even me, everything is Yours, O God. You give things to me, You take them back, they are all Yours. This city, these people, strangers, friends, people i know, people i dont know, even this body, this mind and brain, this heart that beats...everything is Yours. Nothing is mine and i feel so free.. So much love i feel for You, i wish i could remember this all the time, but so forgetful, so very forgetful i am that i get entangled in this 'me' and 'mine'. Help me remember, nothing is mine, everything is Yours.."
As i said, this was the most prominent thought during the whole walk. But just like words, thoughts are not the actual experiences. Saying or thinking 'I love you' is not the same as feeling the love.
Long way to go when there is an actual experience of what i thought for some moments.. Those few moments..