I was bullied as a mentally ill child and had a teacher target me - it's not easy to forget [I Hate Being Judged By People That Dont Even Know Me]
I remember, in school, I was always the person that people would judge without speaking to. Being someone on the Autism spectrum, I never found it easy to 'blend in' and found masking difficult, so just ended up being the kid that never spoke to anyone and spent the entire school day daydreaming, drawing random shapes or reading.
I had started feeling like an outcast from an early age, probably 8. But in secondary school it was the worst. The accusations came, and suddenly I was 'emo', thought I was better than everyone, weird etc... along with slurs of all kinds, really. I always told myself that it didn't affect me, even when as a 12 year old my friend abandoned me for the kids that were... normal, I guess - and let her cousin bully me while just looking at me with a shrug.
I'm not someone that reacts to these things. I wasn't fun to bully for people, I suppose. I looked like I didn't care, I'd insult them back - because I was sick of being singled out. I could stand up for myself. But still, even though I wasn't heavily bullied, and my experience is more like humiliating remarks, assumptions and insults - with the occasional throwing of random things at me - I've realised just how much it has affected me.
I was even verbally berated by some teachers, and I mean - screamed at. Because I also suffered from depression, and have anxiety and ADHD - I wasn't stable and hadn't been diagnosed with anything yet.
My behaviour wasn't the best, I would refuse to listen to teachers when they told me to do something I didn't want to do, I often didn't do homework and wouldn't wear my uniform properly due to sensory issues. I had my top button of my uniform shirt unbuttoned because I can't stand anything touching my neck and feel like I'm being choked. But of course, I'm just a 'liar' and I can't possibly find it unpleasant. I'm just a 'disgrace' to the school and 'ruin their reputation'. I was constantly in detention for one reason or another, mostly being late and not having my homework - I was too anxious to leave the house sometimes. School drained me, and I hated going.
Of course, not all teachers - some were nice and understanding, and my drama teacher even allowed me to sit out lessons and do other work because she must have realised that I didn't participate because of a mental block, not because I was some a-hole kid being a contrarian. But one teacher in particular, would scream at me, call me 'pathetic' a 'disgrace' and lecture me about being lazy and my behaviour being 'disgusting'. She'd target me and berate me for things other people were doing too, right in front of her, without saying anything to them. One day I had my hair down, she started harassing me to put it up, it's not appropriate, it's not... blah blah blah 'you're a disgrace'. She was fired actually, after I left school, so... too late.
At one point, she stole my journal from me and of course, being a depressed kid, I wrote depressing stories and poetry, but also stories that were horror just because I like that genre. I had an emotional breakdown and started sobbing when teachers wouldn't give me it back, and actually, now that I think back on it - should have reported them because there was no reason to take the journal from me and read it. It still makes me angry to this day, knowing I'm there asking them to give it back, and getting snubbed and ignored and called disrespectful when I try and take it back - as if I had no right to privacy and as if they would be okay with someone going through their personal belonging for no good reason other than me being seen with a journal, as if that was so bizarre. My parents were furious, especially my mum, as my dad is a bit of a doormat. She had nothing but contempt for the teacher, and I never even told her the amount of bs that teacher had said to me. I should have, but I was 12, and wanted peace and quiet.
So, I get sent to a psychologist, and lo and behold - I am mentally ill! Who would have thought that my behaviour was actually a cry for help? That I was unable to participate not because I was an a-hole who hated everyone, but due to anxiety and Asperger's affecting the way I could communicate? That I refused to cooperate because I had very real issues that my teachers ignored or refused to understand?
The psychologist was appalled when I told her how some teachers treated me.
The kicker is, nothing changed. I still was expected to act like a Neurotypical kid without mental illness and punished for... showing signs of my mental illness. I hated school. Some teachers were nice, and in my last year I actually found friends that lasted - so that made my last year better, but I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.
Today, if someone raises their voice at me - I will start tearing up, and I hate it. Even if they are not being unkind to me. One of my managers at work was a bit frustrated with me, for good reason, and raised her voice a little when there were no customers in the shop - and I started tearing up. She cut her frustrated rant off short, and explained to me calmly why I should have known better after working there for a year and knowing the rules. I told her I was just anxious, and tended to panic - and after work, she told me how well I was doing and how capable I am. Since then, I've felt much more confident. And I realised that my work manager, a woman who has no higher education and no teaching qualifications, understood that I needed a different approach much better than someone who has a degree in teaching and works with children everyday. Understood that encouragement works so much better than belittlement.
I can never understand how teachers can be so ignorant to the struggles of the children they teach. Sure, sometimes these issues are not visible - but mine were. They were so obvious my parents were kicking themselves for not thinking of them sooner.
It's not okay to treat children the way I was treated, especially when behind their behaviour, there is clear mental illness.
People only seem to 'accept' mental illness when you don't show any signs of it. And when you do, some people will mock you for daring to show signs, that you can't help showing. Because guess what, you're mentally ill and can't help it.
But, now I'm an adult and have good friends that understand my struggles. I'm in a course where my teachers don't mock me for being mentally ill, and understand I need some patience. I have cut out people that were toxic to me, and I'm happy. Remember, NEVER let anyone make you feel crazy. I've had an instance with a narcissist, and for a moment, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I cut them out. It took a while to get them to leave alone, but you have to be strong when it comes to things like this, otherwise these personalities will take advantage of you.
If there's one thing I learned from this bs, it's to be strong and stand up for myself and trust myself.
I had started feeling like an outcast from an early age, probably 8. But in secondary school it was the worst. The accusations came, and suddenly I was 'emo', thought I was better than everyone, weird etc... along with slurs of all kinds, really. I always told myself that it didn't affect me, even when as a 12 year old my friend abandoned me for the kids that were... normal, I guess - and let her cousin bully me while just looking at me with a shrug.
I'm not someone that reacts to these things. I wasn't fun to bully for people, I suppose. I looked like I didn't care, I'd insult them back - because I was sick of being singled out. I could stand up for myself. But still, even though I wasn't heavily bullied, and my experience is more like humiliating remarks, assumptions and insults - with the occasional throwing of random things at me - I've realised just how much it has affected me.
I was even verbally berated by some teachers, and I mean - screamed at. Because I also suffered from depression, and have anxiety and ADHD - I wasn't stable and hadn't been diagnosed with anything yet.
My behaviour wasn't the best, I would refuse to listen to teachers when they told me to do something I didn't want to do, I often didn't do homework and wouldn't wear my uniform properly due to sensory issues. I had my top button of my uniform shirt unbuttoned because I can't stand anything touching my neck and feel like I'm being choked. But of course, I'm just a 'liar' and I can't possibly find it unpleasant. I'm just a 'disgrace' to the school and 'ruin their reputation'. I was constantly in detention for one reason or another, mostly being late and not having my homework - I was too anxious to leave the house sometimes. School drained me, and I hated going.
Of course, not all teachers - some were nice and understanding, and my drama teacher even allowed me to sit out lessons and do other work because she must have realised that I didn't participate because of a mental block, not because I was some a-hole kid being a contrarian. But one teacher in particular, would scream at me, call me 'pathetic' a 'disgrace' and lecture me about being lazy and my behaviour being 'disgusting'. She'd target me and berate me for things other people were doing too, right in front of her, without saying anything to them. One day I had my hair down, she started harassing me to put it up, it's not appropriate, it's not... blah blah blah 'you're a disgrace'. She was fired actually, after I left school, so... too late.
At one point, she stole my journal from me and of course, being a depressed kid, I wrote depressing stories and poetry, but also stories that were horror just because I like that genre. I had an emotional breakdown and started sobbing when teachers wouldn't give me it back, and actually, now that I think back on it - should have reported them because there was no reason to take the journal from me and read it. It still makes me angry to this day, knowing I'm there asking them to give it back, and getting snubbed and ignored and called disrespectful when I try and take it back - as if I had no right to privacy and as if they would be okay with someone going through their personal belonging for no good reason other than me being seen with a journal, as if that was so bizarre. My parents were furious, especially my mum, as my dad is a bit of a doormat. She had nothing but contempt for the teacher, and I never even told her the amount of bs that teacher had said to me. I should have, but I was 12, and wanted peace and quiet.
So, I get sent to a psychologist, and lo and behold - I am mentally ill! Who would have thought that my behaviour was actually a cry for help? That I was unable to participate not because I was an a-hole who hated everyone, but due to anxiety and Asperger's affecting the way I could communicate? That I refused to cooperate because I had very real issues that my teachers ignored or refused to understand?
The psychologist was appalled when I told her how some teachers treated me.
The kicker is, nothing changed. I still was expected to act like a Neurotypical kid without mental illness and punished for... showing signs of my mental illness. I hated school. Some teachers were nice, and in my last year I actually found friends that lasted - so that made my last year better, but I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.
Today, if someone raises their voice at me - I will start tearing up, and I hate it. Even if they are not being unkind to me. One of my managers at work was a bit frustrated with me, for good reason, and raised her voice a little when there were no customers in the shop - and I started tearing up. She cut her frustrated rant off short, and explained to me calmly why I should have known better after working there for a year and knowing the rules. I told her I was just anxious, and tended to panic - and after work, she told me how well I was doing and how capable I am. Since then, I've felt much more confident. And I realised that my work manager, a woman who has no higher education and no teaching qualifications, understood that I needed a different approach much better than someone who has a degree in teaching and works with children everyday. Understood that encouragement works so much better than belittlement.
I can never understand how teachers can be so ignorant to the struggles of the children they teach. Sure, sometimes these issues are not visible - but mine were. They were so obvious my parents were kicking themselves for not thinking of them sooner.
It's not okay to treat children the way I was treated, especially when behind their behaviour, there is clear mental illness.
People only seem to 'accept' mental illness when you don't show any signs of it. And when you do, some people will mock you for daring to show signs, that you can't help showing. Because guess what, you're mentally ill and can't help it.
But, now I'm an adult and have good friends that understand my struggles. I'm in a course where my teachers don't mock me for being mentally ill, and understand I need some patience. I have cut out people that were toxic to me, and I'm happy. Remember, NEVER let anyone make you feel crazy. I've had an instance with a narcissist, and for a moment, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I cut them out. It took a while to get them to leave alone, but you have to be strong when it comes to things like this, otherwise these personalities will take advantage of you.
If there's one thing I learned from this bs, it's to be strong and stand up for myself and trust myself.
