I Want To Be Completely Submissive To My Husband
UPDATE 2/2: (I messed up)
It's now day two since the night I messed up. His morning text told me he loved me. He told me to be his good girl because he knows I am. I had big plans for cleaning all day. But the dog took priority as she was not herself. He was fine with that.
Tonight our kids go to a sleepover. I'm anxious for our talk. I'm scared of punishment. In the vanilla world our make up and reconnecting is sex. I was still unsure if changes would be more strict or to lighten up. To hear things are not working makes me worry.
Things are better but definitely not settled. It still feels like the elephant my friend mentioned. This is not us. We dont let things linger. We dont play pretend. He is in a great mood again.
On the car ride he held my hand. He didnt let it go. His reassurance is comforting. This man loves me. Hes proving it. We small talk and decide on where to go for dinner. But I just have to say whats on my mind. Remembering to hold my tongue, think before I talk and not ruin our date night....
I tell him I know we need to talk. I know there is more you want to say. I have a lot to say as well. I told him when we finally talk I would like is to take this seriously. I do not want time to be an issue. If we start it I want to finish it. I want to get into detail about each thing. I feel it is very important we are on the same page with everything. It has been 2 years since we started DD. Things are not working. I want to make things right.
He decided tonight was not the night. because he felt the conversation would be long and he too wanted to finish it. I was upset but I accepted it. We went to dinner. It was nice. I love that place! We suggested we come home and rent a movie and snuggle up on the couch. Im always up for that!!!
He asked me if I looked for a movie when he come back in the room. I told him. no I didn't. I just turned it on. while saying this I was getting the dogs food and water set for dinner. After sitting and waiting, I finally asked what we were doing. Are we talking or watching a movie. Turns out he misunderstood me. He thought I changed my mind and didn't want to watch a movie with him. Again, miscommunication being the devil. I explained I never said that. we didn't fight about it. We just left it be. Now its to late. Needing to go to bed for work we turn in. Bed time was awkward. No cuddles. Im feeling so defeated.
.....
Day 3 into my mess up:
He woke me this morning a few times. But I wouldn't get up. I finally woke on his last try. But he didn't think I was up. He left for work. I texted him I love him. His text to me was normal. But this time no good girl comment. It felt open and shut. I comment to him about not having small talk like we normally do while hes waiting for his shift to start. It was sincere but came off sarcastic. I got a cold reply and he started his day.
Ugh!!!! I feel like I do nothing right. I have had enough. I know I told him I'd let him come to me when he made time to talk. I had sent a text saying I wasnt sarcastic. it was a genuine concern as to why we were not. But by now his phone is off.
I spent the day crying. I can't leave things like this. I contemplated leaving (keys are back on the hook) just going out by myself for awhile. No kids all day. nothing to keep me busy but cleaning. my head starts to twirl again.
After work he texts me. He has to go to pharmacy and will be home soon. no response to my texts I sent. I just replied "ok. are you going to call me while you wait?" after a few minutes he calls. He did take my remark sarcastic. I told him I can not wait to talk. We need to clear the air. I said I would like him to come home and finish his talk with me and then at another time ill do my part of the talk if it is going to take all night. But I feel he needs to let things out.
this phone call turned into "the talk". sorry guys I'm not getting into detail about all of it. But I will say. With the rules we had in place, him punishing me went against it. because the day had past. his hands were tied. I told him how hurt I was that he didn't acknowledge my letter. turns out he never read it!!! what happened was he put it away so the kids didn't see it. then with everything going on he forgot. he feels badly for it.
alot of my emotions were because I thought he read it and didn't care. We talked everything out. I told him no point in reading as now we talked. he said he will read it, because he knows I write about things I can't speak and I took the time to write so he will take the time to read it. he said when he gets home, it's a clean slate. new book, new rules, new punishment. I cried our whole talk.
he came home and held me, kissed me. didnt let me go. he dismissed the over due yard work to get the book done. we sat all day and night. talked and he read, did the book. I explained I was wrong to bring DD to him and give him restrictions. I told if we are starting new, no restrictions on my part. how can he do his part like that. it makes it hard.
we found were our problem is. we now know why we get off track. we both have a clear picture of where we want to be and how to get there.
as far as me seeing someone and getting on medications. he said no. DD and him is my medication. and we both know this. I've been on the meds before and I don't like how they make me feel. they change me. he knows if we stick with DD and its strict then ill be fine. I only get that way with certain events and when I don't come to him.
the agreement is. I work on coming to him with things. even if I have to write more. if he is slipping up, im to remind him. DD is for us both. it is for us both to communicate better, to be better. it is not one sided. he said ill have maintenance now. he set the same day every week. and in the rules it states if it has to be delayed it is to not be more then one day. he thinks I need this to stay on point. he needs this to keep up with me and keep me on track. we need this for many reasons. you all know this.
if he falls asleep earlier by chance im to wake him up and tell him its maintenance night. im not to let him sleep and skip it. if he has a bad day at work and he says he needs to do it the next day it is for good reason. (if you read my other stories you will understand this because of his job.) he has it on my chore chart so that I'm reminded all day. I think this will be good for us.
I have many rules and more will be added. due to my destroying the last book we have lost everything. :( so were moving on and he mentioned once a week sitting down and talking. like a little meeting to go over things. etc.
he is invested. so am I. its hard to change when you are raised to not be this way. but we want this. and we will help each other get there.
that's all folks. its day 4 today, since my mess up. first day with my book. some things will be forgiven as I have 5 kids today and we are going out family time tonight.
Maintenance is Monday. oh yea I almost forgot. he said that If I am punished Sunday, maintenance still happens Monday. and if I need punishment Monday that will happen plus maintenance. no getting around maintenance at all.
working progress. takes time. but what matters is our devotion to each other and getting on the same page with everything. we will never give up on each other. we never fight. and that fight we had is must couples normal fights. to us that was as he put it world war 3. it just never happens.
feeling peaceful now :)
It's now day two since the night I messed up. His morning text told me he loved me. He told me to be his good girl because he knows I am. I had big plans for cleaning all day. But the dog took priority as she was not herself. He was fine with that.
Tonight our kids go to a sleepover. I'm anxious for our talk. I'm scared of punishment. In the vanilla world our make up and reconnecting is sex. I was still unsure if changes would be more strict or to lighten up. To hear things are not working makes me worry.
Things are better but definitely not settled. It still feels like the elephant my friend mentioned. This is not us. We dont let things linger. We dont play pretend. He is in a great mood again.
On the car ride he held my hand. He didnt let it go. His reassurance is comforting. This man loves me. Hes proving it. We small talk and decide on where to go for dinner. But I just have to say whats on my mind. Remembering to hold my tongue, think before I talk and not ruin our date night....
I tell him I know we need to talk. I know there is more you want to say. I have a lot to say as well. I told him when we finally talk I would like is to take this seriously. I do not want time to be an issue. If we start it I want to finish it. I want to get into detail about each thing. I feel it is very important we are on the same page with everything. It has been 2 years since we started DD. Things are not working. I want to make things right.
He decided tonight was not the night. because he felt the conversation would be long and he too wanted to finish it. I was upset but I accepted it. We went to dinner. It was nice. I love that place! We suggested we come home and rent a movie and snuggle up on the couch. Im always up for that!!!
He asked me if I looked for a movie when he come back in the room. I told him. no I didn't. I just turned it on. while saying this I was getting the dogs food and water set for dinner. After sitting and waiting, I finally asked what we were doing. Are we talking or watching a movie. Turns out he misunderstood me. He thought I changed my mind and didn't want to watch a movie with him. Again, miscommunication being the devil. I explained I never said that. we didn't fight about it. We just left it be. Now its to late. Needing to go to bed for work we turn in. Bed time was awkward. No cuddles. Im feeling so defeated.
.....
Day 3 into my mess up:
He woke me this morning a few times. But I wouldn't get up. I finally woke on his last try. But he didn't think I was up. He left for work. I texted him I love him. His text to me was normal. But this time no good girl comment. It felt open and shut. I comment to him about not having small talk like we normally do while hes waiting for his shift to start. It was sincere but came off sarcastic. I got a cold reply and he started his day.
Ugh!!!! I feel like I do nothing right. I have had enough. I know I told him I'd let him come to me when he made time to talk. I had sent a text saying I wasnt sarcastic. it was a genuine concern as to why we were not. But by now his phone is off.
I spent the day crying. I can't leave things like this. I contemplated leaving (keys are back on the hook) just going out by myself for awhile. No kids all day. nothing to keep me busy but cleaning. my head starts to twirl again.
After work he texts me. He has to go to pharmacy and will be home soon. no response to my texts I sent. I just replied "ok. are you going to call me while you wait?" after a few minutes he calls. He did take my remark sarcastic. I told him I can not wait to talk. We need to clear the air. I said I would like him to come home and finish his talk with me and then at another time ill do my part of the talk if it is going to take all night. But I feel he needs to let things out.
this phone call turned into "the talk". sorry guys I'm not getting into detail about all of it. But I will say. With the rules we had in place, him punishing me went against it. because the day had past. his hands were tied. I told him how hurt I was that he didn't acknowledge my letter. turns out he never read it!!! what happened was he put it away so the kids didn't see it. then with everything going on he forgot. he feels badly for it.
alot of my emotions were because I thought he read it and didn't care. We talked everything out. I told him no point in reading as now we talked. he said he will read it, because he knows I write about things I can't speak and I took the time to write so he will take the time to read it. he said when he gets home, it's a clean slate. new book, new rules, new punishment. I cried our whole talk.
he came home and held me, kissed me. didnt let me go. he dismissed the over due yard work to get the book done. we sat all day and night. talked and he read, did the book. I explained I was wrong to bring DD to him and give him restrictions. I told if we are starting new, no restrictions on my part. how can he do his part like that. it makes it hard.
we found were our problem is. we now know why we get off track. we both have a clear picture of where we want to be and how to get there.
as far as me seeing someone and getting on medications. he said no. DD and him is my medication. and we both know this. I've been on the meds before and I don't like how they make me feel. they change me. he knows if we stick with DD and its strict then ill be fine. I only get that way with certain events and when I don't come to him.
the agreement is. I work on coming to him with things. even if I have to write more. if he is slipping up, im to remind him. DD is for us both. it is for us both to communicate better, to be better. it is not one sided. he said ill have maintenance now. he set the same day every week. and in the rules it states if it has to be delayed it is to not be more then one day. he thinks I need this to stay on point. he needs this to keep up with me and keep me on track. we need this for many reasons. you all know this.
if he falls asleep earlier by chance im to wake him up and tell him its maintenance night. im not to let him sleep and skip it. if he has a bad day at work and he says he needs to do it the next day it is for good reason. (if you read my other stories you will understand this because of his job.) he has it on my chore chart so that I'm reminded all day. I think this will be good for us.
I have many rules and more will be added. due to my destroying the last book we have lost everything. :( so were moving on and he mentioned once a week sitting down and talking. like a little meeting to go over things. etc.
he is invested. so am I. its hard to change when you are raised to not be this way. but we want this. and we will help each other get there.
that's all folks. its day 4 today, since my mess up. first day with my book. some things will be forgiven as I have 5 kids today and we are going out family time tonight.
Maintenance is Monday. oh yea I almost forgot. he said that If I am punished Sunday, maintenance still happens Monday. and if I need punishment Monday that will happen plus maintenance. no getting around maintenance at all.
working progress. takes time. but what matters is our devotion to each other and getting on the same page with everything. we will never give up on each other. we never fight. and that fight we had is must couples normal fights. to us that was as he put it world war 3. it just never happens.
feeling peaceful now :)
41-45, F
