I Want To Be Special To Someone
So. I'm 32 and I've never had a serious boyfriend. I have never been in a relationship that has lasted past 3 months. My friend and *housemate found ourselves to be kindred spirits as she seemed to have the same unfortunate dating luck.
However, she recently met a guy. A guy whom I met for the first time last Thursday. He is lovely, they have a great chemistry together; I think they are incredibly well suited. After bidding them goodnight, I headed to my room closed the door and cried. Cried because I was so envious it was painful.
My housemate and her fella were a little tipsy that night, forgetting to be discreet with their lovemaking. The louder their groaning the deeper I cried, whilst simultaneously feeling slightly turned on. It's probably one of the saddest nights of my life. So far.
Now, before you read this thinking I'm just feeling sorry myself, I'm not. I just would like to understand. If the average age people start dating is 16, then why in 16 years have I not been able to meet one person to love and be loved by? I don't even mean "the one" just a relationship. Ok, to be honest I've always been a late bloomer, I didn't have my first "boyfriend" until I was 21. Still, over a decade, nothing.
I will freely admit that the common denominator in my singledom is me, so it's must be something I'm doing wrong. Yet I don't what that thing is. I have tried apps, hobbies, doing nothing at all and just living my life. I don't believe that I'm unloveable, yet romantic love and intimacy seems to evaded me.
I am happy for my friend, but at the same time what I felt more than anything else is rejection. Like this is life's way rubbing it in my face. I feel like I have been rejected by love at every turn. Nearly every person I know is either in a relationship or at least had the pleasure of being in a long term relationship, regardless of the outcome. I've never been in love or had any expressed that sentiment towards me.
What am I doing wrong?
*I live in London, England were it is quite commonplace to have a housemate in your 30's.
However, she recently met a guy. A guy whom I met for the first time last Thursday. He is lovely, they have a great chemistry together; I think they are incredibly well suited. After bidding them goodnight, I headed to my room closed the door and cried. Cried because I was so envious it was painful.
My housemate and her fella were a little tipsy that night, forgetting to be discreet with their lovemaking. The louder their groaning the deeper I cried, whilst simultaneously feeling slightly turned on. It's probably one of the saddest nights of my life. So far.
Now, before you read this thinking I'm just feeling sorry myself, I'm not. I just would like to understand. If the average age people start dating is 16, then why in 16 years have I not been able to meet one person to love and be loved by? I don't even mean "the one" just a relationship. Ok, to be honest I've always been a late bloomer, I didn't have my first "boyfriend" until I was 21. Still, over a decade, nothing.
I will freely admit that the common denominator in my singledom is me, so it's must be something I'm doing wrong. Yet I don't what that thing is. I have tried apps, hobbies, doing nothing at all and just living my life. I don't believe that I'm unloveable, yet romantic love and intimacy seems to evaded me.
I am happy for my friend, but at the same time what I felt more than anything else is rejection. Like this is life's way rubbing it in my face. I feel like I have been rejected by love at every turn. Nearly every person I know is either in a relationship or at least had the pleasure of being in a long term relationship, regardless of the outcome. I've never been in love or had any expressed that sentiment towards me.
What am I doing wrong?
*I live in London, England were it is quite commonplace to have a housemate in your 30's.
36-40, F
