I Hate Cheaters
There is nothing worse than the feeling of being blindsided by betrayal... This feeling starts in the pit of my stomach, almost like butterflies flying around, it hits me hard and it hits me fast. Then panic sets in which acts as a catalyst speeding up the intensity of the butterflies wings till they are fluttering so fast that it feels more like a solid, vibrating ball. This is when it starts to spread, growing bigger and bigger and I try my hardest every time to stay calm but this only worsens the situation. Like struggling to get out of a quicksand trap, the harder you try to get out, the faster you sink. My whole existence has been shaken so vigorously that all of the pieces have been broken and grinded into such tiny fragments, that everything gets muddled and turns to mush. I am left with a pale, colorless, odorless, gooey mess. Because I had been so intently focused on evading this impending tornado of paroxysm, I had forgotten to breathe this whole time! I try to take a deep breath, but I don't seem to be drawing in any oxygen. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me completely and there is nothing that I can do about it. I start to get dizzy but the more I try to focus on things, the more confused I get. I can't understand, but I need to. My intuition tells me that I need to know which way is up and which way is down because I can't breathe. I'm dizzy and my chest is starting to ache. So I need to find a way to know which way is up because my instinctual deduction is that I must be drowning. I am fighting with myself in my own head, trying to prove to myself what it is that I need to be doing, while at the same time refuting it. I rack my brain frantically trying to figure out what it is that I need to do, what process I need to take in order to get oxygen into my lungs. Only I haven't the foggiest clue as to what oxygen is or whether I even have lungs anymore.
This is the point at which, I begin to show on the outside, what I am feeling on the inside. I look at the floor because the more things I see, the more confused I get. I start softly moaning the word no... Softly repeating it, over and over, almost pleading with this new reality to turn it into fiction. Then I start to run both of my hands through my hair but I stop and rest them on top with strands of my hair left between my fingers, keeping it out of my face as I hang my head. By this time I have already started shaking, and as the shaking gains intensity, my knees buckle and I crumple down onto the floor. Although it isn't very far to fall when you start in a standing position and end down in a seated one, to me, it feels like I have plummeted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
As my soft pleading gets progressively louder and more agitated, I try to calm it down by gripping the strands of hair tightly between my fingers. I curl up into a ball with my face tucked in to the middle, and all of my senses shut down. It is like a fire drill you have in school as a little kid. You practice once a month to prepare you, but when the time comes, and there really is a fire... You panic.
After panic mode is out of the way, habit takes the wheel and begins to steer for yoh... I begin to shut down all of my senses. Sight, sound, taste and touch, all become inaccessible. Finally I remember how to get oxygen into my lungs and as I regulate my breathing I begin to calm down. I start to slowly rock back and forth as I come to the realization that I have this huge pile-up of words that I had been thinking this entire time but didn't know I was thinking, and now they instantly have meaning.. I don't realize that it happens... one minute they are nonexistent, then I turn around and there they are racing all around me. As they pass through my mind, I reach out and try to grab them one at a time. I pull out the pertinent information and begin to arrange the pieces together in any order that makes sense but even after I comprehend their meaning, I still break them up and dissect them further. It is the timeline that usually hits me the hardest. Seeing the events in chronological order is what I identify with the most because then I am able to see how I fit into the picture. These overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and betrayal envelope me and that is when I frantically rummage around for a way out.
This is the point at which, I begin to show on the outside, what I am feeling on the inside. I look at the floor because the more things I see, the more confused I get. I start softly moaning the word no... Softly repeating it, over and over, almost pleading with this new reality to turn it into fiction. Then I start to run both of my hands through my hair but I stop and rest them on top with strands of my hair left between my fingers, keeping it out of my face as I hang my head. By this time I have already started shaking, and as the shaking gains intensity, my knees buckle and I crumple down onto the floor. Although it isn't very far to fall when you start in a standing position and end down in a seated one, to me, it feels like I have plummeted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
As my soft pleading gets progressively louder and more agitated, I try to calm it down by gripping the strands of hair tightly between my fingers. I curl up into a ball with my face tucked in to the middle, and all of my senses shut down. It is like a fire drill you have in school as a little kid. You practice once a month to prepare you, but when the time comes, and there really is a fire... You panic.
After panic mode is out of the way, habit takes the wheel and begins to steer for yoh... I begin to shut down all of my senses. Sight, sound, taste and touch, all become inaccessible. Finally I remember how to get oxygen into my lungs and as I regulate my breathing I begin to calm down. I start to slowly rock back and forth as I come to the realization that I have this huge pile-up of words that I had been thinking this entire time but didn't know I was thinking, and now they instantly have meaning.. I don't realize that it happens... one minute they are nonexistent, then I turn around and there they are racing all around me. As they pass through my mind, I reach out and try to grab them one at a time. I pull out the pertinent information and begin to arrange the pieces together in any order that makes sense but even after I comprehend their meaning, I still break them up and dissect them further. It is the timeline that usually hits me the hardest. Seeing the events in chronological order is what I identify with the most because then I am able to see how I fit into the picture. These overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and betrayal envelope me and that is when I frantically rummage around for a way out.
41-45, F
