To say one has insecurities is to say that one has a mind, or a being. It is part of our composition and forms part of being. Such surity is left for the ego-maniacal, the insane or the deluded.
I battle my own mind - because it has always been good at fueling the darkest thoughts I have. One year such as this certainly does bring out the worst in me. Perhaps simplest would be to focus on a single mention that has taken hold most often: anger.
Perhaps it's frustration at being stuck. My progress in 2019 was something I took a measure of pride in, and this year has taken that - I can try to argue that it is natural during a pandemic; more important to survive this, one could argue. But this is not enough - I have simply survived for so long, that it would never feel like an accomplishment to me.
Yes, I finally have my independence. This year would have been tough for that reason, but I knew as long as I could make some kind of progress, I would be ablto take pride on that. Instead, this year seems to threaten not only that, but whatever sense of self confidence I had. Getting out, getting somewhere better, these ideas I let go of because the hope of it alone is only poison to me. You can only hold on to the hope of something better if you are able to work towards something.
I can try to find new pride in my work, I can try to pursue my music. However, these attempts have failed in this year - I can take no pride in this. I am, just an office worker fortunate enough to keep a job and I have had to learn to swallow more and more every day. Survival is not enough in the face of attrition. And the only thing to push you through is the confidence that I could endure this - a confidence I no longer have.
I have lost enough in this year - even the time of this year is lost. I can not lose more. But holding on to what I have is difficult when I don't trust myself to be capable of doing so. Two months remain in this year - it will take it's due. I only hope the toll isn't higher than what I can take.
We all carry on. It's all we can do, even if we are reminded that this is not enough. Time does not stop - and the years lost have amounted to too many for me. I only hope that events do prove me wrong, and I can look at myself as a different kind of fool, as I never expect this to change
