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I Have Done Things I Am Not Proud of

[i]I remember a time when I had to fight to survive in a way. In my early school days I learned about racism for the first time. They did not like my accent, where I was from, and what I ate during lunch. If memory serves me right, these kids did not accept very many races into their lives. But as a reminder, kids will be kids.

But growing up I was still bullied for the fact that I was of "generic" descent. Did I ask for this? No. I learned about violence. That primal instinct where you get a subconscious joy from a rush of endorphin's surging through your body and releasing such animosity towards your "attacker". I learned very little in martial arts but managed to perfect some techniques. Crafting a skill towards my expertise and utilizing such craft to leave a message to would-be bullies. To them, it was a weekly challenge. To me, a living hell of fear and anxiety.

There was a time when I realized that it was all pointless. My existence was as if these ingrates wanted a living punching bag to express their pride and anger through. Some wanted to "represent" their group, others just didn't like stereotypical features and the very few just wanted to join in on this parade.

Things began to get real when they started using weapons. But why? We were just young adults. Kids even. Why such hate and desire to hurt someone by maiming? That I will never know. As a couple years passed it was evident that I was very tired of this. I wanted peace. I wanted to live life like a normal person. Without fear and without prejudice. I remember the time the principal and a group of teachers had a meeting in class with me and a few of these ignorant masses. I wanted to feel relieved to tell everyone I was bullied and I was only defending myself. But after being told that we had to shake hands and agree to a form of truce, I refused to shake their hands. I knew deep down that the walls of a school can only regulate so much. Walking to and from home was another story.

There are things people shouldn't do to leave a message. There are things people shouldn't experience as a result of violence. I can only learn from my past in order to shape my future.

I have vowed for peace. Like a monk who only wants enlightenment, I want prosperity and longevity. The good news is, it has only been 3 years since my last incident with self defense. Fortunately they realized looks can be deceiving and intoxication was a major role.

I have done things I am not proud of. I have seen things I wish I could only imagine.[/i]

 
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