I Am a Sensitive Person
I had no idea where to write this, but I decided to go with this group because I've always let what other people think affect the way I feel far too much, and it's had a huge part in shaping who I've become.
I grew up in a big family, religious to the core, honestly only left the house for things like church and youth group. Home schooled, but more like self schooled as I took over the responsibility of teaching myself once I learned to read, there wasn't much room for socializing with others, so I found the socializing I needed from my family.
Living my whole life with them, and I must say on apparently good ground, you'd expect us to be close, but there's never a time I feel less me than when I'm with my family. I stopped being me publicly a long time ago, and I haven't shared anything I consider personal (religious ideas, dating interests, pretty much anything I can keep secret) with them, since around age 13, and because there was no life outside of family, there was no one else to talk to. No friends... until at 14 I got Facebook, and my hatred for all things English and grammar turned to a love of writing. I realized I could say the things I wanted to say, be the person I wanted to be, and meet people without fear of scrutiny from my parents and siblings.
Long story shortened, I made an online friend at 14, what I consider to be my first real friend, and it was good for me. I learned to write while talking to her, and I had someone to tell about my shitty day and new ideas. Someone I could be the kindhearted person I wanted to be, but couldn't be in face to face conversations with anyone.
Over the next couple of years, things moved so slowly I didn't know how to stop it at any point, and eventually we weren't just friends anymore... it wasn't long after we weren't anything. I pressed enter and sent a friendzone message that broke her heart... that wasn't a time of my life I particularly enjoyed, losing my bff and also my closest, older brother to 4 years of military service.
The biggest tragedy of my life came before and continued after though, the theft of my heart at 13, to a girl I never actually met. Turns out I never would, and I'd never get my heart back. A numbing of hopelessness slowly accumulated, and recently the 0% chance finally got through to me and I've moved on. That will probably always be the saddest part of my life and so I take consolation that my love continued to drag me along for 7 years with nothing returned... guess I'm glad to know I loved somebody like that.
Shorter long story lengthened, at 18 I became an atheist and learnaholic. I lived with my family for 9 more months, church included, and they never knew I quit their religion and spewed out the bullshit I'd been fed. I moved out of my parents', and for the first time in my entire life, I didn't hate my shyness, I stopped seeing it as a defect, and I stopped fighting to change it.
There have been few days I've hated since then, and most are filled with the purposeful happiness I put into them. Even though I'm alone in my understanding of who I truly am, and even though I've still no deep friends, I've learned to find satisfaction in life, from myself, and to carry on with only the support of my own two shoulders to lean, and cry on.
Life could be better though, and I'd love to have an internet friend as I'm all out of those. So if, you know, you want to write to a 97% introvert and random stranger, for giggles and laughs, or science and math... yea, time for sleep before I keep writing my future with facepalms of embarrassment. Goodnight and send my ass a letter... preferably the 4th... that's a lie! Probably should just shut up now, just my 97% introversion turns extro, when I'm not in an actual convo, and I'm just writing alone, my sleep deprivation has been shown, so it's time I said so-long.
I grew up in a big family, religious to the core, honestly only left the house for things like church and youth group. Home schooled, but more like self schooled as I took over the responsibility of teaching myself once I learned to read, there wasn't much room for socializing with others, so I found the socializing I needed from my family.
Living my whole life with them, and I must say on apparently good ground, you'd expect us to be close, but there's never a time I feel less me than when I'm with my family. I stopped being me publicly a long time ago, and I haven't shared anything I consider personal (religious ideas, dating interests, pretty much anything I can keep secret) with them, since around age 13, and because there was no life outside of family, there was no one else to talk to. No friends... until at 14 I got Facebook, and my hatred for all things English and grammar turned to a love of writing. I realized I could say the things I wanted to say, be the person I wanted to be, and meet people without fear of scrutiny from my parents and siblings.
Long story shortened, I made an online friend at 14, what I consider to be my first real friend, and it was good for me. I learned to write while talking to her, and I had someone to tell about my shitty day and new ideas. Someone I could be the kindhearted person I wanted to be, but couldn't be in face to face conversations with anyone.
Over the next couple of years, things moved so slowly I didn't know how to stop it at any point, and eventually we weren't just friends anymore... it wasn't long after we weren't anything. I pressed enter and sent a friendzone message that broke her heart... that wasn't a time of my life I particularly enjoyed, losing my bff and also my closest, older brother to 4 years of military service.
The biggest tragedy of my life came before and continued after though, the theft of my heart at 13, to a girl I never actually met. Turns out I never would, and I'd never get my heart back. A numbing of hopelessness slowly accumulated, and recently the 0% chance finally got through to me and I've moved on. That will probably always be the saddest part of my life and so I take consolation that my love continued to drag me along for 7 years with nothing returned... guess I'm glad to know I loved somebody like that.
Shorter long story lengthened, at 18 I became an atheist and learnaholic. I lived with my family for 9 more months, church included, and they never knew I quit their religion and spewed out the bullshit I'd been fed. I moved out of my parents', and for the first time in my entire life, I didn't hate my shyness, I stopped seeing it as a defect, and I stopped fighting to change it.
There have been few days I've hated since then, and most are filled with the purposeful happiness I put into them. Even though I'm alone in my understanding of who I truly am, and even though I've still no deep friends, I've learned to find satisfaction in life, from myself, and to carry on with only the support of my own two shoulders to lean, and cry on.
Life could be better though, and I'd love to have an internet friend as I'm all out of those. So if, you know, you want to write to a 97% introvert and random stranger, for giggles and laughs, or science and math... yea, time for sleep before I keep writing my future with facepalms of embarrassment. Goodnight and send my ass a letter... preferably the 4th... that's a lie! Probably should just shut up now, just my 97% introversion turns extro, when I'm not in an actual convo, and I'm just writing alone, my sleep deprivation has been shown, so it's time I said so-long.
26-30, M
