I Had An Abortion
I had a bucket list. It wasn't long at the time.. And it's certainly grown since then...
-My golden year. I didn't even make it to my golden year yet... Random but I've always looked forward to the golden year, turning 23 on the 23rd.
-I always said I wanted to get married on 11-11-11 or at least do something remarkable on that day.
-I wanted to skydive.
I've been told that for some people the more you talk about it or write about it, it'll get easier... I'm still waiting for that.
I made a decision. One I never thought I could admit. I thought it would be an easy way out. Nobody would know what I've done. Until I started making the plan on how I would do it, then I realized when they'd discover my body, my secret would be exposed. I couldn't do it.. I didn't want my secret out. My family would really think of me as a failure then. And a coward.
I called 2 different crises hotlines, hysterically crying. I hung up the first time, I couldn't even talk. I wasn't looking to be talked out of what I wanted to do, I wanted guidance. Saying it out loud was harder than I thought...
It's been 6 years now and I'm still waiting for the time when I can sincerely congratulate someone on there pregnancy. Flashbacks pour back whenever I hear a suction noise. Doctor visits always feel violating, especially to my heart. I still have jealously towards my friends who have children. And mostly, whenever I see a young girl pregnant, I always think of going up to her and giving her a huge hug. Because I think she is brave. I wonder if something as simple as a stranger hugging me and hearing someone say that I was brave, would have made me change my my decision then. It for sure would have made me think more positive.
I was too scared to admit to myself and everyone around me that for once, I wanted something. That would have been the first time in my life to fight for something that mattered. Something I knew I wanted. It would have been hard, of course, but it would've had a lot of joy with it as well.
Only a select few know about what I did. If I had to do it all over again, would I make the same decision? Absolutely not. I can only hope that I would be brave, I hope that I would've been able to face my family.. And be proud of myself looking back, with tons of happy memories of myself...And my baby.
To end this on a positive note, I can say that I've surpassed my golden year, I opened up my own business on 11-11-11, and I went skydiving. Those are officially checked off my bucketlist!
-My golden year. I didn't even make it to my golden year yet... Random but I've always looked forward to the golden year, turning 23 on the 23rd.
-I always said I wanted to get married on 11-11-11 or at least do something remarkable on that day.
-I wanted to skydive.
I've been told that for some people the more you talk about it or write about it, it'll get easier... I'm still waiting for that.
I made a decision. One I never thought I could admit. I thought it would be an easy way out. Nobody would know what I've done. Until I started making the plan on how I would do it, then I realized when they'd discover my body, my secret would be exposed. I couldn't do it.. I didn't want my secret out. My family would really think of me as a failure then. And a coward.
I called 2 different crises hotlines, hysterically crying. I hung up the first time, I couldn't even talk. I wasn't looking to be talked out of what I wanted to do, I wanted guidance. Saying it out loud was harder than I thought...
It's been 6 years now and I'm still waiting for the time when I can sincerely congratulate someone on there pregnancy. Flashbacks pour back whenever I hear a suction noise. Doctor visits always feel violating, especially to my heart. I still have jealously towards my friends who have children. And mostly, whenever I see a young girl pregnant, I always think of going up to her and giving her a huge hug. Because I think she is brave. I wonder if something as simple as a stranger hugging me and hearing someone say that I was brave, would have made me change my my decision then. It for sure would have made me think more positive.
I was too scared to admit to myself and everyone around me that for once, I wanted something. That would have been the first time in my life to fight for something that mattered. Something I knew I wanted. It would have been hard, of course, but it would've had a lot of joy with it as well.
Only a select few know about what I did. If I had to do it all over again, would I make the same decision? Absolutely not. I can only hope that I would be brave, I hope that I would've been able to face my family.. And be proud of myself looking back, with tons of happy memories of myself...And my baby.
To end this on a positive note, I can say that I've surpassed my golden year, I opened up my own business on 11-11-11, and I went skydiving. Those are officially checked off my bucketlist!
31-35, F
