Hopelessly Fat, Hated by All (or at least most) [I Am Fat]
Anyone else out there stuck with a life sentence as a fat person? I've often wondered if I was under some kind of curse.
Yes, I most definitely HAVE tried to lose weight. I have really tried hard. I've struggled hard with it for many years. It amazes me when people point out my weight problem; like maybe I'm unaware of it.
When I was younger, living in Portland, Oregon, I was able to manage my weight properly; I was slim, energetic and considered attractive. I lived a happy and mostly healthy life. I had an organic vegetable garden. I went fishing and ate a lot of fish. I picked wild berries and did a lot of home canning. I even went to an exercise class at a gym and went swimming right after the class three times a week.
But then...my parents got old and unable to care for themselves and I, an only child, had to move back to the city of stress and glamorously slim people, Los Angeles, and care for them. They got a divorce in 1950 when I was 5 years old, so I found myself in a tug of war between them, since I needed to manage 2 separate households. Both of my parents were difficult people, my mother a genuine witch/monster (read my Featured story under my Profile here for the details) and my dad at his worst under the stress of his last illness (heart failure). It was a living nightmare. I gained 100 lbs in about a year and a half. That was in 1984 and I still carry that extra weight.
Both parents are gone now. But I have never been able to lose any of that extra 100 lbs. And, of course, no one will ever let me forget it. One of my family friends committed suicide in her forties over being 100 lbs overweight. My mother, who used to scream and call her names over her weight, said she was better off dead. I liked Kathy and still miss her.
Please believe I have put a lot of effort into trying to resolve it. I was about to join a nearby gym right before the pandemic hit. I do care about my health and I am genuinely sorry I offend people with my unpopular unattractive size. But I refuse to continue apologizing and defending myself against ridiculous insults and even outright attacks (mostly kids throwing garbage at me out of cars). I am no longer friendly toward those who weight lecture me, always making entirely incorrect assumptions about my eating habits (for instance, I am always being told to "give up soda." I have never drank any soda in my life because I haven't liked the taste since early childhood.) If you answer these incorrect assumptions by saying you don't eat that food (soda, cookies, doughnuts, french fries), the critic always assumed you are lying. The comment is usually, "I used to say that, too, when I was overweight. But, actually, I ate 10 doughnuts a day!" Or sometimes the comment refers to a relative or spouse who was lying or in denial about addictive behavior with a calorie dense food. Fat apparently can affect one's character and the assumption is that I am lying about everything I say about food. My own feeling is that I refuse to be pushed into the indignity of lying about what I eat.
And I don't hide what I eat. And when you are significantly overweight, EVERYTHING you eat comes in for criticism.
My most recent attempt to lose weight involved an attempt at the keto diet. At first I was thrilled; it wasn't that hard to stick to and it was taking off the weight. Then I developed the worst possible case of constipation. And the only way I could get rid of it was eating high carb foods like prunes and prune juice, oatmeal and other whole grains, bran cereal etc.
My constipation was very painful; it was like having rocks superglued into my rectum. I felt like my stomach was packed in cement. But, for some reason I don't understand, people find the subject of old ladies with constipation funny so when I posted my problem here all I got was jokes and crude insulting remarks, no help. Eventually, I started eating oatmeal and prunes every day and it helped, but my weight loss ended.
It's been about 6 months since I gave up on keto dieting and I STILL have trouble with constipation every few days. Sometimes these diets leave health problems you don't fully recover from.
So, although I have given up on weight loss attempts myself, at this point in my miserable fat life, all I want is to feel a bit less alone with my problem. And if you knew how many weight lectures and scoldings I get, you would hesitate to add to that.
Nobody is perfect. Those of you who do not have an ugly fat ass have other problems and shortcomings; you are not perfect and have not earned the right to hurt, humiliate or embarrass me. And one of these days I WILL get the license # of one of those garbage throwing cars or school buses and will act on it with the help of law enforcement, I hope. I am trying to learn to stand up to the unrelenting criticism, and to understand that the people who do this actually have personal flaws even worse than an overly large and heavy body. I've abandoned my weight loss attempts, but I have not abandoned all self care.
So...anyone else out there living with a size most people hate? Anyone found any interesting ways of dealing with public assaults like garbage throwing? Not to mention the sheer misery of looking in a mirror? And what do you say to people who think you are lying about what you eat? Or have you actually caved in to lying about it and eating secretly? I hope not. You have a right to your own food choices and if they are wrong choices you are obviously paying the price so no one has a right to yell at you.
So, other seriously oversized people, please make me feel less alone. Tell me about your own struggles and the self-righteous jerks who've made it harder for you. And any tips or good comebacks for dealing with living as a social outcast among those who believe that they have no flaws.
Yes, I most definitely HAVE tried to lose weight. I have really tried hard. I've struggled hard with it for many years. It amazes me when people point out my weight problem; like maybe I'm unaware of it.
When I was younger, living in Portland, Oregon, I was able to manage my weight properly; I was slim, energetic and considered attractive. I lived a happy and mostly healthy life. I had an organic vegetable garden. I went fishing and ate a lot of fish. I picked wild berries and did a lot of home canning. I even went to an exercise class at a gym and went swimming right after the class three times a week.
But then...my parents got old and unable to care for themselves and I, an only child, had to move back to the city of stress and glamorously slim people, Los Angeles, and care for them. They got a divorce in 1950 when I was 5 years old, so I found myself in a tug of war between them, since I needed to manage 2 separate households. Both of my parents were difficult people, my mother a genuine witch/monster (read my Featured story under my Profile here for the details) and my dad at his worst under the stress of his last illness (heart failure). It was a living nightmare. I gained 100 lbs in about a year and a half. That was in 1984 and I still carry that extra weight.
Both parents are gone now. But I have never been able to lose any of that extra 100 lbs. And, of course, no one will ever let me forget it. One of my family friends committed suicide in her forties over being 100 lbs overweight. My mother, who used to scream and call her names over her weight, said she was better off dead. I liked Kathy and still miss her.
Please believe I have put a lot of effort into trying to resolve it. I was about to join a nearby gym right before the pandemic hit. I do care about my health and I am genuinely sorry I offend people with my unpopular unattractive size. But I refuse to continue apologizing and defending myself against ridiculous insults and even outright attacks (mostly kids throwing garbage at me out of cars). I am no longer friendly toward those who weight lecture me, always making entirely incorrect assumptions about my eating habits (for instance, I am always being told to "give up soda." I have never drank any soda in my life because I haven't liked the taste since early childhood.) If you answer these incorrect assumptions by saying you don't eat that food (soda, cookies, doughnuts, french fries), the critic always assumed you are lying. The comment is usually, "I used to say that, too, when I was overweight. But, actually, I ate 10 doughnuts a day!" Or sometimes the comment refers to a relative or spouse who was lying or in denial about addictive behavior with a calorie dense food. Fat apparently can affect one's character and the assumption is that I am lying about everything I say about food. My own feeling is that I refuse to be pushed into the indignity of lying about what I eat.
And I don't hide what I eat. And when you are significantly overweight, EVERYTHING you eat comes in for criticism.
My most recent attempt to lose weight involved an attempt at the keto diet. At first I was thrilled; it wasn't that hard to stick to and it was taking off the weight. Then I developed the worst possible case of constipation. And the only way I could get rid of it was eating high carb foods like prunes and prune juice, oatmeal and other whole grains, bran cereal etc.
My constipation was very painful; it was like having rocks superglued into my rectum. I felt like my stomach was packed in cement. But, for some reason I don't understand, people find the subject of old ladies with constipation funny so when I posted my problem here all I got was jokes and crude insulting remarks, no help. Eventually, I started eating oatmeal and prunes every day and it helped, but my weight loss ended.
It's been about 6 months since I gave up on keto dieting and I STILL have trouble with constipation every few days. Sometimes these diets leave health problems you don't fully recover from.
So, although I have given up on weight loss attempts myself, at this point in my miserable fat life, all I want is to feel a bit less alone with my problem. And if you knew how many weight lectures and scoldings I get, you would hesitate to add to that.
Nobody is perfect. Those of you who do not have an ugly fat ass have other problems and shortcomings; you are not perfect and have not earned the right to hurt, humiliate or embarrass me. And one of these days I WILL get the license # of one of those garbage throwing cars or school buses and will act on it with the help of law enforcement, I hope. I am trying to learn to stand up to the unrelenting criticism, and to understand that the people who do this actually have personal flaws even worse than an overly large and heavy body. I've abandoned my weight loss attempts, but I have not abandoned all self care.
So...anyone else out there living with a size most people hate? Anyone found any interesting ways of dealing with public assaults like garbage throwing? Not to mention the sheer misery of looking in a mirror? And what do you say to people who think you are lying about what you eat? Or have you actually caved in to lying about it and eating secretly? I hope not. You have a right to your own food choices and if they are wrong choices you are obviously paying the price so no one has a right to yell at you.
So, other seriously oversized people, please make me feel less alone. Tell me about your own struggles and the self-righteous jerks who've made it harder for you. And any tips or good comebacks for dealing with living as a social outcast among those who believe that they have no flaws.
70-79, F
