I Have a Hard Time Trusting Anyone

In 1993, my long time boyfriend (about 8 years) RJ died of lung cancer. He had been a heavy smoker of Marlboro Lights (the low tar kind) for most of his life. He faded away over a year and it was awful. He suffered greatly, dying at the age of 43.

He had a lot to live for; he was an up and coming screenwriter with a few low budget screen credits, and he'd just been hired to write and direct a high budget movie for a major studio. Upon diagnosis ("advanced and inoperable"), he had to go into a story development meeting and tell them they'd have to find another writer and director because he was not expected to live through the film production. His last words to me were, "I love you. We didn't deserve this."

On the day he died, within 5 minutes of hearing the news, I learned a more about him, maybe more than I wanted to know.

I had been frantically looking for him during the days before he died, but had not found him at home, nor in the hospital he'd spent time in, nor at his friends houses, nor at his neighbors.

It turned out...he'd died [i]at his wife's house.[/i] Yeah, right. He was, unbeknownst to me, married.

I almost died of shock. Not only had he been cheating on me like crazy (the news of his death came from one of his [i]other[/i] girlfriends, also a shock to me), but he had been seeing a beautiful and rich lady for [i]years[/i], in fact she had been married until her husband walked in on them one day (I talked to this betrayed husband, too, that awful day). And 3 days before my unfaithful beloved died (while I was frantically wondering where he was), this lady he'd been seeing drove him 200 miles while he was in a wheelchair and married him [i]on my birthday...in the resort town where he and I had spent a particularly happy and romantic weekend.[/i]

I found out he had led a very tricky life. He had gone to the trouble of fooling a bunch of us; different phone lines and answering services, carefully maintained lies and scheduling. I worked during the day, and his main squeeze and future wife could control her schedule and take a lot of days off. Most of his girlfriends were married; I was the exception.

I am sad to admit I really did love this philanderer. His wife of three days did not allow me to go to his funeral. I'm lucky one of his other girlfriends told me where he was buried.

It was a long way from my home but I drove there a few times to talk to his grave and cry. The last time I was there I posted a small but clearly printed sign on a stick over his grave:

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST QUIT SMOKING?!!!