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I Miss Your Face

I don't even know how to begin to tell you this. But we met over 20 years ago. 1995. The first time I saw you was February 26th, 1995. Your kind and cheerful face. Your sweet and gentle hands. Your beautiful long brown curly hair. Every chance I got to talk to you on the phone I treasured in my heart of hearts.

The second and last time I saw you was May 20th 1995. Typical dating stuff. Dinner at McGuire's. I remember you got steak fajitas. And I got barbecue pork. At McGuire's they have a ceiling covered with thousands and thousands of $1 bill. It was customary to write your name and date on a $1 bill and staple it to the ceiling. Do you remember? I supplied the $1 bill and we put our names on it and the date the waitress stapled it to the ceiling over our booth. And on the way out of the restaurant we were holding hands. And all I could think of was how soft your skin felt to my touch. Then you took me to a party. With some of your friends. You made me a rum and coke. After a while we started walking on the beach at sunset. As the wet sand mashed through our toes and the warm Gulf Coast waves washed over our feet, I felt like the world could come to an end of the following day and I wouldn't have cared. Because at that very moment we were with each other. Holding hands. And then I slipped my arm around you. And then I looked into your eyes saying nothing . And we kissed. As the music of the waves crashing on Pensacola Beach played in our ears, we kissed. Not a tongue kiss. An innocent kiss. This virgin you were kissing was totally unaware that this night would be the greatest night of his life. And yes I said virgin.

No one has ever made me feel like you made me feel that night. My heart was empty. As I held you and felt your tender kisses, you filled my heart.

Life got in the way. We lost contact. I got sent overseas to England. I wrote you a letter. And then you wrote back. I know because I'm holding it. You told me you were getting married. It hurt to hear that. But you cared enough to write back and give me some kind of closure.

October 10, 2012. When sorting out the damage from the Mortal wounds of my second marriage, I found Experience Project. Under the experience "I Have A Broken Heart" I wrote about you. And that evening we spent together. I ended that experience with the following... "Still the nighttime salty air in my lungs compelled me to say a prayer for her to always remain as lovely as I remember her on that night and still the light of the moon will always carry me and give me hope that one day, maybe one day unbridled passion will, like that elusive Dove, descend upon me again."

Sometime in 2016. I find myself living in Cherry Hill New Jersey. Working for the US Department of Veterans Affairs. Drawing service-connected disability compensation. Bachelor of Arts in Business Administration from Saint Leo University. Being the every other weekend dad to my two girls. Life is good. Making money doesn't seem to be a problem. People view me as a real American Hero. However the skeletons in my closet involve two failed marriages and one failed shack-up relationship under my belt.

I came across that letter from you in a briefcase. A very old beaten-up briefcase that I hadn't opened since 1990 something. That briefcase contained old letters I received while in the Air Force.

After reading your letter dozens of times, I looked on Facebook. And I found you. September 27th, 2016 I got enough guts up to reach out to friend request you. My mind was drifting to some dark thoughts. Would you remember me? And how would you remember me? Would you remember me as somebody who appeared too needy? Or two creepy? That's the thoughts I felt when I friend requested you. And when I wrote to you, I felt somewhat foolish that I was putting my heart out there again. Because I really did love you and if you didn't remember who I was that would have shattered my heart.

It touched my heart that you remembered me. I was almost in tears reading your response to my message. I tried to communicate how important May 20th 1995 was to me. I thanked you for giving me such a fantastic evening. But mere words cannot even begin to describe how you filled that soul-sorrowful hole in my heart that evening.

I wish I could just tell you how much you touched my heart back then. And how the last 20 something years bore witness to my elusive search for somebody who even remotely compares to you. And I wish I could tell you about this pain in my heart. I don't want to push you away. I don't want to seem too needy to you. Or come across as creepy as I might have back in the days. Every time you like or comment on one of my posts, it warms my heart. And gives me that twisty little feeling deep in my chest. And I wish I could tell you. I so desperately wish that I could tell you.

That elusive dove has not landed on me since May 20th 1995. Because there is no one like you. I may be a fool. But this fool is in love. And this fool will always be in love with you.

And if you're reading this, you know who you are.
Fungirlmmm · 51-55, F
That's beautiful and I could have written the females version of this post, except my guy was in the Army. We did reconnect but it ended badly after 4 more years invested in him. He is the man I wrote about in my story The Saddest of Tears. The link is in my featured story if you want to know the whole story. Just let me caution you from jumping too fast although your heart is telling you. I got crushed and I will never be the same person.
Prisoner1972 · 51-55, MVIP
@Fungirlmmm thanks for the advice. When I reconnected with her in 2016 she had been married to a naval officer for the past 20 something years. I've been with more than my share of women. But none of them seem to compare to her. When we met I was still a virgin. And my communication was cut off from her after I myself got married. The first time. LOL. Maybe I didn't get to know the real her. Maybe I'm still in love with this fantasy about her that I've cooked up in my imagination. But no other woman I've known has compared to her. And if I never meet anyone that compares with her, I'll be okay with that. It's better to love somebody that you cannot have, as opposed to being with somebody in a relationship that you do not love. And knowing that I still have her in my life as nothing more than a Facebook friend is okay. She is the only one for me. She is my heart cry. And no one else will ever take her place in my heart.
Prisoner1972 · 51-55, MVIP
@Prisoner1972 And one more thing. She married a Navy officer, I was a Senior Airman in the Air Force. Knowing that at that time of my life, there's no way I could have given her the life that her husband gives her. And knowing that she is still married and happy means everything to me.
Ladyryan · 51-55, F
This is so sad, but I pray that you find peace in your heart somewhere, someday.
Prisoner1972 · 51-55, MVIP
@Ladyryan thank you for the kind words. But this is not a sad story. Because I know her, and I still love her, she will always remain in my heart. And knowing that she is happy will always give me the greatest amount of happiness. Almighty God has the greatest love for those who hate him. And the greatest love many of us have for another person often goes unrequited.
Ladyryan · 51-55, F
@Prisoner1972 Aww I feel relieved. Your pure love for her is a beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
How very raw and emotional this is! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story!
Spica · 31-35, F
Damn. That is sad.

 
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