My first kiss was when I went to Israel on Birthright. There was a guy on the trip. I thought he was a nice guy. He kept talking to me a lot. The thing is that for a guy who was only a year older than me, he was really tall, had a full beard, and a scruffy voice. It felt like I was with someone much older. I was roommates with his twin sister. When she stepped out, he claimed that he needed to talk to her and he waited in the hotel room to talk to her. Really that was just an excuse to talk to me. We talked about random stuff for about an hour. I kept thinking in my head that meant he was no longer a stranger to me. He randomly mentions he wants to make out with me.
I felt so awkward. But I figured I was in Israel, a beautiful country, and that I should use this opportunity to stop overthinking everything and to be a little out of character since I was on vacation. So we kissed...a lot that night. The kiss itself was fine. He didn't have bad breath, his lips weren't dry, and using tongue actually wasn't gross like I thought it would be. Here's the problem- I didn't feel butterflies or an urge to kiss him. When I would look in his eyes, I felt nothing. The next day, I felt like I had to play the girlfriend card because if we kissed and then I treated him like nothing the rest of the trip, I was scared he would tell everyone I was a tease. So I went along with it. It was a miserable two days. He wouldn't stop touching me! When I was sitting down, his arm would be around me. When I stood up, his hands would be on my hips. He would also always let me know when he's had a dirty thought when I told him earlier that I wasn't a sexual person.
The misery had to end. I realized that I never had feelings for him. That I've been lying to him and myself. He would hate me later if I kept pretending to have feelings for him. So I told him one time on the bus that it was over and thank you for giving me my first kiss. It was hard for me to do because I never like to hurt someone. But I had to think of myself here. He was disappointed but he knew he could easily move on. I think out of guilt, I gave him my phone number at the end of the trip. I told my friend to give it to him. Either she didn't give it to him or he threw it away because I never heard from him again. I was glad. I hope I never see him again. But I'll always remember my first kiss just as a first kiss. If only it was with someone I liked. Oh well.