I Express Myself Through Writing
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When I wake up in the morning, there is a song in my head.

Every day.
It’s my very own clock radio set to an unknown station.
Most days I know the song, other days I don’t.

For a time I kept track of the music. I had an idea that maybe it coincided with my emotions. How i was responding to what was going on in my life. Or maybe it was dictating my emotions. Musical insight to my brain chemistry and where my head was when I was ready to face the day.
Over the course of a few months I came to the conclusion, not properly or with any scientific reasoning, that the music was just music and I was being silly.

In 2016 I stopped listening to music.
Not totally and completely.
But intentionally. I found that music wasn’t reflective of my emotions but stuck with me and helped to form them. My life was a shambles and I was struggling to find an help out of it that I could, short of killing myself. Which I had a very solid plan for thanks to EP. I learned a lot there.

I’ve let music creep back into my life, because it was and always has been, my soul.

I was 18, maybe 19 and I had borrowed an audio book from the library. I listened to it while the kids napped and I cleaned. It was about a time in the future where music was outlawed and handed out only by prescription only. Like medication. It was stupid and I never finished it. Now Im curious as to what the book was, I’d kind of like to listen to it. Maybe it wasn’t stupid, it just ant for me at the time. Like my childhood dislike of Queen. I was not a fan as a 8 year old. I remember running around making fun of radio gaga, and coving my head every time it came on MTV. Plus is was a band that Joey liked and I made it a point to never like anything Joey did. Turns out he had pretty great taste in music. Queen is pretty fantastic.

I woke with these lines from A murder of One going though my head.

Yeah, you don't want to waste your life, baby
You don't wanna waste your life now, darling
You don't wanna waste your life, baby
You don't wanna waste your life now, darling

Oh, you don't wanna waste your life now, babe
I said, you don't wanna waste your life now, darling
Oh, you don't wanna waste your life now, baby
Oh, you don't wanna
You don't wanna waste your life now, darling

Change, change, change
Change, change, change
Change, change, change



And even that moment before my eyes opened, the music was so loud and direct.

I opened my phone shortly after getting up, brushing my teeth, making tea, laughing at spam texts that call me my fake names, to see:

Why waste the moment
Today is the only day that this exact version of you will exist

and then the song started to play again:

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream
Open up your eyes, you can see the flames, flames, flames
Of your wasted life, you should be ashamed


So now what?
What do I do that is not a waste of life?

I answered a few questions with my stupid, flippant remarks like I do.
Answered a phone call from my son.
Made more tea while pondering this wasting my life thing. To see Yokel!

"When you are 70 or 40 depending on how long you think you'll live to..
Will you be happy looking back at your life, the things you focused on, the voices you backed, the way you expressed yourself? Or are you going to be a bitter old raisin that resents the wasted years?"

And in going back to see his exact wording so I'm not misquoting anything, he has this:

"Your life a painting and time the canvas.. an infinity of expressions, of pain, of sorrow, of joy, lies and truth, love and hate, of peace and of war, all stains on the sheets of time."


it's too early for whiskey.
......

I saw the Counting Crows at a very small venue once. It was magical. And when they sang this, he stared me in the eyes for most of it. When I would get uncomfortable he would move across the stage, but he always came back.


Magical Except for the fact that my husband was mad I didn’t want to hook up with the weird chick he met in the crowd for a threesome and spent the entirety of the concert pushing back on the crowd, a group of guys, who were pissing her off by pushing us so they could get closer to the front. We were the front. But this is another story to bury inside my head and not let bubble out because of the amount of hurt and anger it recalls.
…Except that, and it as as though it was pointed right into me - Adam stood right in front of me, stared me in the eyes and sang:

Well, are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?

I was doing everything I could to ignore what was going on behind me with her and my husband That in that moment, it felt very personal.

I never can tell for certain when my brain is concocting a story line or when its..real? Whatever that means.

What am I supposed to do?
I’m so tired of wasting my time. But … what to do what to do.
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Montanaman · M
I had started to read this a few days ago, but I wanted to make sure I had a moment, to Really Read this. I'm pleasantly surprised, no that's not it. I'm comforted by this.
Music is embedded into our soul.
The lyrics, the melody playing out within our lives. Moments to remember, reflect, and praised.
Montanaman · M
[@441353,nonsensiclesnail] Our subconscious knows. 👍😉🤗
nonsensiclesnail · 46-50, F
[@701855,Montanaman] Why wont it tell me what it knows!! ☺️
Montanaman · M
[@441353,nonsensiclesnail] testing you, probably. 🙃
Tastyfrzz · 56-60, M
Woah! I don't get the impression that your husband cherishes you.
Peaches · F
WOW...you've got a "busy brain" to say the least!🤭I'm not making fun of you by the way. I had a husband like yours once too. 😔 I personally can't live without music, 🎶💙but I have to stop listening late at night, or the songs stay in my head while I'm trying to sleep!
nonsensiclesnail · 46-50, F
[@364304,Peaches] Me too! How funny, I've never had anyone else say that to me. Not all the time of course, for me. But very often.

 
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