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I feel kind of like a whore.
Or at least I look like one.
I was dating some guy and got knocked up and lost the baby.Which was my fault.

And yet here I am again.Even if it counts as rape.I spent about a month trying to figure out why he did what he did.
There were red flags and I feel like Im at fault for giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I trusted him with my body.

He removed the condom and I told him I wasnt on birth control.I was in the process of switching and he knew that.And he became very cold, like a different person.

The lights were dimmed so I could barely see.I thought I saw him take it off when he was supposed to check to make sure it didnt break and I told him Im not on birth control at that point.And he didnt say anything.He just climbed back ontop.

I tried to look at his face but it was like looking at a wall.He just didnt care.And I tried to push him off by putting my hands on his shoulder.I told him to stop for a second.

I wanted to check.I wasnt sure what I saw but I needed to feeledeassured.
I heard him laugh very quietly.Wasnt even really a laugh, just felt like he thought it was funny that I was trying to push him off, and then he readjusted so my wrists were held down my his hands.

I have a history of rape and sexual abuse and I froze up like I would have done.I tried to talk but it was like my mouth wouldnt move.

And all that came out were whispers basically telling him to stop.
And then when he finished he got off and he apologized because it wasnt on.

All I got was an apology like he had accidently done something small.He didnt even acknowledge that it was off.Our only form of birth control.He was just supposed to check it.And I feel at fault for not doing it myself.like an idiot.
And he told me he couldnt get me pregnant at one point. Yet I thought he just had poor sex ed.

So I had to explain that nignt that there was a chance.And then he acted upset with me.Or seemed to be.
Like the panic set in.

Im still confused
Afraid to talk to some people because I feel like I look like a good for nothing slut.
And I still doubt myself about what happened because he was so casual about it that maybe he thought I gave him permission somehow.I dont know.I try not to think about it but I can't help feeling confused
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Razoreye001 · 26-30, M
Just because you like sex doesn't make you a whore. It just makes you human, and as a sex-positive feminist I want you to know you're a great person, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Like I said in private, if you need anything, I'm here.

As for the sperm donor, sounds toxic as hell, and he probably wanted to trap you in a relationship with him to begin with. Getting you pregnant was probably his intention all along. I'd suggest pressing charges.

 
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