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I Dont Believe In Monogamy

I've never been more convinced in the futility of long-term/permanent monogamy as I am right now. So. My mother went away to my aunt's house for the week for the holidays. I swear, my dad has become a different person. I'm sure my mother is doing very well, as well. My dad is normally very brooding and clearly stressed out. Every little thing irritates him, and he's always very tense: like he's walking on eggshells. Today, he's free as a bird. It's like he's on Cloud 9. All happy-go-lucky, full of energy, playing with the dogs. Like a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

My mother has in the recent past, also expressed--in no uncertain terms--how she wishes to be divorced and venting fervently to me on how terrible my father is. She just has nowhere else to go. And she has no skills or education or anything to support herself. So she has no choice but to stay with my dad.

I think they'd both be a lot better off if they did divorce and found other people. But that's the thing with monogamy. You grow so comfortable with this other person--even if you don't love them--that's what you're *used* to, and it's scary to branch out, even when it would be the best thing for you. Then, they have religion that doubly enforces that, so the ending is that they both feel trapped.

But people always rationalize it. Like, "Oh, this one person was just bad for me." But I've never seen it any different. They never think "Oh, it's the *situation* I've put myself in, not the person I put myself in that situation with."

Well. That's how I see it.

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Paliglass · 41-45, F

In reality they are both free to walk away at any time. They are in the illusion they are trapped. If they realise their entrapment is an illusion then they will either part ways or feel free in their CHOICE to stay and therefore feel happy.
We all choose what we're doing every day.
As my son put it when I said he needed to go to school, to get a job, to eat and have shelter he said "I could just sit at the side of the road and die. I don't have to do all that" (he passed exams and is at college now) but everything is a choice. We could all sit at the side of the road and die of starvation if we really wanted to. Although in the UK you'd probably end up in hospital, fed through a tube and wake up thinking what did they do this to me for and then once you're well they'll put you back on the street and you'd have to start all over again so anyway mostly we have choices and your parents are choosing to live how they live and if they could see its a choice they're making they'd feel much better.

Tatsumi · 31-35, M

Probably. But--at least, in my view--they are excessively delusional creatures. They dont make choices on a conscious level. They delude themselves into thinking various ways. Actually, this is the way the frontal lobe works with virtually everyone. Much more a lot of religious folks, imo. The conscious mind's primary goal is to rationalize instincts. "I shouldn't have this slice of cake, or ill get fat. Welllll, I can just work it off tomorrow." [Neurologist Steven Novella] In this way, i think--and I realize most do not agree, also in scientific fields--that whatever choice we have is either non-existent or very minimal.

Yes. You could just sit on the side of the street and die, but you dont, because both mind and instinct agree that would be a bad thing. It's, in effect, no choice, at all. With something like, "if i leave, I become very uncomfortable," it's instinctually opposed to the rational idea of "I'd be better off eventually." Which serves as a much harder choice to make, sparking cognitive dissonace. Leading to, effectively no choice at all. Particularly with my mother, someone who simply could not survive on her own.

Maybe my dad could make the choice to leave, but it would also go against his moral code, which serves as another trapping mechanism.

There are choices that people are forced into, I think, effectively leaving no choice, at all, because the choice is so obvious. Like, "I shoot you in the face or you pick a pen up." You could choose to get shot. But, instinct and mind agree that there is, in effect, no choice.