I Believe Long Distance Relationship Can Work
I’ve mentioned my fiancé, Joseph, on here a time or two, but I’ve never really gotten around to how we met. Considering what forum I’ve chosen, you could probably guess: online. It was one hell of a ride though, and I’d love to share my story.
In 2008, I got a laptop for my birthday, and one site that I absolutely loved to visit was an anime-themed social media website called Gaiaonline.com. I think it’s still around today (though I hear it’s struggling financially). I didn’t go on there in search of a relationship. That wasn’t what it was for. It was just a place to have fun, play a few games, design and redesign my avatar, and mess around in the forums.
There was one social activity that nearly everyone who visited the site loved to do: Role Playing. This wasn’t like D&D or an RPG videogame. There was really no winning or losing or points or anything like that. It was much simpler. The host would go to the RPing forums and start a new thread to present a premise for a story, usually just a setting and a basic conflict (Like the apocalypse, or an overarching enemy), which, with a little luck, would attract participants. Participants would fill out a character profile, usually consisting of a name, age, gender, species (if applicable), physical features, a short biography, and description of their personality, some likes and dislikes, and then a space of any other miscellaneous information. Once the participants sent in their profiles via private message, the host would post them all together, and then begin the RP once enough participants were gathered.
It was basically just writing a story in a large group. And it was a lot of fun for me. So in my account stats, I put one of my interests as “RPing”. I thought nothing of it until around the end of the summer in 2009, when I got a random friend request.
“Hey, I saw in your profile that you enjoy RPing. I have been trying to find a 1-on-1 RPing partner. Interested?”
1-on-1 RPing was similar to group RPing, only they’re usually done via private messaging and made even simpler due to there only being two writers. So I agreed and we began messaging each other. We began two RPs to start: a Corpse Bride fan fiction and an original story about a private detective staying in the home of a wealthy young woman, whom unbeknownst to him was a vampire. In between our storytelling, we would have another PM string going back and forth for us to just chat.
I soon found out that this mysterious writer was actually going through a hard time. Joseph, I learned his name was, lived all the way in Alabama (I lived and still live in California) and had just gotten out of the Navy, and his family was falling apart. He was in the process of giving his abusive father a second chance, which is mother was far from happy about. And it seemed like his sister was going a little crazy as well (the details are vague, since it was so long ago).
Every time he would message me about his problems, I tried to be a good friend. I would offer advice, or at least moral support, trying to make him feel better and be there for him. Even in retrospect, I don’t consider the things I said to him in support were all that special. Half the time, I didn’t know what to say, and it felt awkward trying to relate to problems that I had never had the misfortune of experiencing. But for some reason, he really latched onto what I had to offer.
Sometime around late October or early November, I got a message from him in the margin of our “detective living with a vampire” story.
“((Hey, can I tell you something?))” He wrote.
[i]Oh boy, here we go. Something really bad must have happened if he’s being so hesitant[/i], I thought.
Still, I wrote back, “((Sure! You can tell me anything!))
I waited, a little nervous of what he was going to come back with. When the PM returned…
“((I like you.))”
Hesitantly, I decided to make sure things were 100% clear. “((Do you mean you like me, or you “like like” me?))”
“((Like like))”
This caused me to pause. I wasn’t sure what to respond with. On the one hand, Joseph was a good friend, very fun to talk to, and very sweet. I didn’t want to turn him down outright. On the other hand, my sister had already gone through two terrible break-ups with men online, so I wasn’t sure if this was the best move. Even if he had the best intentions, how would my parents react to me dating someone online who lived half way across the country? If internet safety was any indication, they wouldn’t allow it, I was sure.
Still, I didn’t want to shut Joseph down completely and break his heart. I did kind of still like him and I found his sentiment sweet. So I returned his message:
“((That’s very sweet of you, and I think you’re a great guy. I’ll tell you what. Let’s stay friends for a little while longer, and I’ll give it some thought.))”
He agreed, and we began talking even more, learning our different favorites, our aspirations, and how our lives were going. During this period, I decided to talk to my dad. I was going to Junior College at the time, and for one reason or another, my dad had to pick me up from class one day. I decided to use this time alone to tell him what I was going through.
Very slowly, trying to pick my words carefully, I told him that there was a boy online, named Joseph, who lived in Alabama, whom I was interested in. To my surprise, he completely understood and allowed us to date long distance. I wouldn’t learn until years later that his understand was probably due to the fact that my parents were in a similar situation a long time ago, writing letters and making phone calls between California and Oklahoma. In any case, I knew I wouldn’t get a riot act if I decided to seek my admirer romantically.
It was all mushy lovey dovey gunk from then on, and it was fun, though difficult. We increased our number of stories and chatting PMs. For a while, everything was wonderful, and we eventually got to the point where we would text each other on the phone (I got in a little trouble for that, but we eventually got unlimited texting). We would send care packages, we eventually swapped pictures, and our honeymoon phase was off to a heart-swellingly wonderful start.
One day, Joseph randomly disappeared. He wouldn’t return any messages online or any texts. I was freaking out, scared that something terrible had happened to him. I couldn’t focus in class, I was constantly upset. After three days, I tried to call him (something I had yet to do, since our minutes were still limited), and his phone was disconnected. Another two days of constant worry passed. Then, while on the shuttle that ran between my JCs east and west campus, I got a text from him.
He explained that he finally cut ties with his father and, in the process of going back to his mother’s house, he didn’t have access to a computer or the phone his father had given him. I relayed my relief to him (asking him not to scare me like that again). I realized in that week that I didn’t want to be apart from him like that ever again. I was in this relationship for the long-haul from then on.
Our relationship matured and progressed. We began making plans for our future, arguing a little along the way about who would be the one to move, and where we would live. Considering the economical hardships of the south and the fact that he wanted to distance himself from his father, Joseph ultimately agreed to move to California once he got the money. He scraped as much as he possibly could from his Walmart job, staying with his mother in their run-down house in order to save money. I continued my education, moving onto a four-year college and graduating (not working in my field, sadly, but a job’s a job).
Eventually, and family vacation of Disneyworld in Florida allowed Joseph and I to meet in person for the first time. My parents said it would be okay if Joseph and his family drove down to Florida to meet us. My parents even bought his ticket to the park! We ate pizza and went on rides and kissed in the rain and shoved every “couple in love” cliché possible into our three short days together.
A year later, he came on his own to California to stay for a week with us. I showed him around my hometown, introduced him to In N Out burger, and we even took a day-trip to San Fransisco, where we went to Alcatraz Island and Chinatown!
Then, a year after that, he finally got the money and a few roommate and finally made his way to an apartment in California. We were no longer a long-distance couple. After 5 long years of textas and phone calls, we were together at last, and now we’re finally planning our wedding (well… my mom is planning our wedding, but that’s beside the point), and our marriage.
What would I take away from all this? A long-distance relationship is difficult, but certainly possible. It’s of the utmost importance to be careful and safe, and don’t give out your personal information right away until you’re sure the person you’re talking to is safe. When things progress, it’s important to have constant communication and the utmost trust in your partner and trustworthiness of yourself. And most importantly, it must be understood that eventually, you have to come together to start your lives in person. It may be hard taking that step, but Joseph and I will never regret it.
In 2008, I got a laptop for my birthday, and one site that I absolutely loved to visit was an anime-themed social media website called Gaiaonline.com. I think it’s still around today (though I hear it’s struggling financially). I didn’t go on there in search of a relationship. That wasn’t what it was for. It was just a place to have fun, play a few games, design and redesign my avatar, and mess around in the forums.
There was one social activity that nearly everyone who visited the site loved to do: Role Playing. This wasn’t like D&D or an RPG videogame. There was really no winning or losing or points or anything like that. It was much simpler. The host would go to the RPing forums and start a new thread to present a premise for a story, usually just a setting and a basic conflict (Like the apocalypse, or an overarching enemy), which, with a little luck, would attract participants. Participants would fill out a character profile, usually consisting of a name, age, gender, species (if applicable), physical features, a short biography, and description of their personality, some likes and dislikes, and then a space of any other miscellaneous information. Once the participants sent in their profiles via private message, the host would post them all together, and then begin the RP once enough participants were gathered.
It was basically just writing a story in a large group. And it was a lot of fun for me. So in my account stats, I put one of my interests as “RPing”. I thought nothing of it until around the end of the summer in 2009, when I got a random friend request.
“Hey, I saw in your profile that you enjoy RPing. I have been trying to find a 1-on-1 RPing partner. Interested?”
1-on-1 RPing was similar to group RPing, only they’re usually done via private messaging and made even simpler due to there only being two writers. So I agreed and we began messaging each other. We began two RPs to start: a Corpse Bride fan fiction and an original story about a private detective staying in the home of a wealthy young woman, whom unbeknownst to him was a vampire. In between our storytelling, we would have another PM string going back and forth for us to just chat.
I soon found out that this mysterious writer was actually going through a hard time. Joseph, I learned his name was, lived all the way in Alabama (I lived and still live in California) and had just gotten out of the Navy, and his family was falling apart. He was in the process of giving his abusive father a second chance, which is mother was far from happy about. And it seemed like his sister was going a little crazy as well (the details are vague, since it was so long ago).
Every time he would message me about his problems, I tried to be a good friend. I would offer advice, or at least moral support, trying to make him feel better and be there for him. Even in retrospect, I don’t consider the things I said to him in support were all that special. Half the time, I didn’t know what to say, and it felt awkward trying to relate to problems that I had never had the misfortune of experiencing. But for some reason, he really latched onto what I had to offer.
Sometime around late October or early November, I got a message from him in the margin of our “detective living with a vampire” story.
“((Hey, can I tell you something?))” He wrote.
[i]Oh boy, here we go. Something really bad must have happened if he’s being so hesitant[/i], I thought.
Still, I wrote back, “((Sure! You can tell me anything!))
I waited, a little nervous of what he was going to come back with. When the PM returned…
“((I like you.))”
Hesitantly, I decided to make sure things were 100% clear. “((Do you mean you like me, or you “like like” me?))”
“((Like like))”
This caused me to pause. I wasn’t sure what to respond with. On the one hand, Joseph was a good friend, very fun to talk to, and very sweet. I didn’t want to turn him down outright. On the other hand, my sister had already gone through two terrible break-ups with men online, so I wasn’t sure if this was the best move. Even if he had the best intentions, how would my parents react to me dating someone online who lived half way across the country? If internet safety was any indication, they wouldn’t allow it, I was sure.
Still, I didn’t want to shut Joseph down completely and break his heart. I did kind of still like him and I found his sentiment sweet. So I returned his message:
“((That’s very sweet of you, and I think you’re a great guy. I’ll tell you what. Let’s stay friends for a little while longer, and I’ll give it some thought.))”
He agreed, and we began talking even more, learning our different favorites, our aspirations, and how our lives were going. During this period, I decided to talk to my dad. I was going to Junior College at the time, and for one reason or another, my dad had to pick me up from class one day. I decided to use this time alone to tell him what I was going through.
Very slowly, trying to pick my words carefully, I told him that there was a boy online, named Joseph, who lived in Alabama, whom I was interested in. To my surprise, he completely understood and allowed us to date long distance. I wouldn’t learn until years later that his understand was probably due to the fact that my parents were in a similar situation a long time ago, writing letters and making phone calls between California and Oklahoma. In any case, I knew I wouldn’t get a riot act if I decided to seek my admirer romantically.
It was all mushy lovey dovey gunk from then on, and it was fun, though difficult. We increased our number of stories and chatting PMs. For a while, everything was wonderful, and we eventually got to the point where we would text each other on the phone (I got in a little trouble for that, but we eventually got unlimited texting). We would send care packages, we eventually swapped pictures, and our honeymoon phase was off to a heart-swellingly wonderful start.
One day, Joseph randomly disappeared. He wouldn’t return any messages online or any texts. I was freaking out, scared that something terrible had happened to him. I couldn’t focus in class, I was constantly upset. After three days, I tried to call him (something I had yet to do, since our minutes were still limited), and his phone was disconnected. Another two days of constant worry passed. Then, while on the shuttle that ran between my JCs east and west campus, I got a text from him.
He explained that he finally cut ties with his father and, in the process of going back to his mother’s house, he didn’t have access to a computer or the phone his father had given him. I relayed my relief to him (asking him not to scare me like that again). I realized in that week that I didn’t want to be apart from him like that ever again. I was in this relationship for the long-haul from then on.
Our relationship matured and progressed. We began making plans for our future, arguing a little along the way about who would be the one to move, and where we would live. Considering the economical hardships of the south and the fact that he wanted to distance himself from his father, Joseph ultimately agreed to move to California once he got the money. He scraped as much as he possibly could from his Walmart job, staying with his mother in their run-down house in order to save money. I continued my education, moving onto a four-year college and graduating (not working in my field, sadly, but a job’s a job).
Eventually, and family vacation of Disneyworld in Florida allowed Joseph and I to meet in person for the first time. My parents said it would be okay if Joseph and his family drove down to Florida to meet us. My parents even bought his ticket to the park! We ate pizza and went on rides and kissed in the rain and shoved every “couple in love” cliché possible into our three short days together.
A year later, he came on his own to California to stay for a week with us. I showed him around my hometown, introduced him to In N Out burger, and we even took a day-trip to San Fransisco, where we went to Alcatraz Island and Chinatown!
Then, a year after that, he finally got the money and a few roommate and finally made his way to an apartment in California. We were no longer a long-distance couple. After 5 long years of textas and phone calls, we were together at last, and now we’re finally planning our wedding (well… my mom is planning our wedding, but that’s beside the point), and our marriage.
What would I take away from all this? A long-distance relationship is difficult, but certainly possible. It’s of the utmost importance to be careful and safe, and don’t give out your personal information right away until you’re sure the person you’re talking to is safe. When things progress, it’s important to have constant communication and the utmost trust in your partner and trustworthiness of yourself. And most importantly, it must be understood that eventually, you have to come together to start your lives in person. It may be hard taking that step, but Joseph and I will never regret it.
