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No ones life seems to be as exciting as mine

Ha! I opened up and it's filled with content.
They talk and it's one simple sentence...

I'm such a sucker.
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Oster1M
No you are not! You are a very sensitive soul and by nature, most will not understand.馃
Peppa26-30, F
[@400392,Oster1] I hear you. But I think I've changed. When I came to ep all those years ago I was soo lost. I was kind. But life got to me. I've become bitter jaded and mistrustful of others...

What was a problem with external connections actually stems from an unstable and imbalanced home.

My moral compass is off.

I've said this before and I'll say it again.
All I trusted and believed was true has been revealed to me as a lie. I think the saying goes that I'm sabotaging myself.

I'm afraid!

My own flesh and blood has betrayed me and I don't think it's possible to find others that I can trust.

This year has been tough on us all but what I see is all the people I really connected with.

They've slowly stopped responding. And they all bar a few have deleted their accounts.

What this was and who I was has run it's course.

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I have to accept t that I am not a very nice person.
I'm judgemental, I'm always thinking the worst of others, I'm needy, I'm selfish, I'm always putting myself ahead of others.
I'm always on the look out for something to find fault in.
And my biggest weakness is not forgiving others...

I protest but I'm the toxic one.

I'm not sensitive at all. I think I've grown rather numb.
Oster1M
[@305137,Peppa] Damn, this has to be the most bare naked confession, I鈥檝e heard in a very long time, if ever!

I鈥檓 not saying it is true but you just 鈥渓aid your guts鈥 on the table for all to see!!! Do you realize how much courage that took? It was an exceptional example of self awareness that I believe is not entirely valid.

I know you enough to know what challenges you have confronted in the last year and how they perhaps, bled over into your complete universe.

I believe this transformation started with the loss of your Father. Why do I know this? It鈥檚 because I experienced much the same when I lost my Father who I also worked with, for decades. Then eventually, I lost my Mother. I was placed in a position where I had no choice but to continue. I still had immense responsibilities and many others to be there for.

Yeah, I felt the same as you but I only had time to deal with things, only when I came home at night. It changed me. I felt alone and lost but I just couldn鈥檛 quit, even though I wanted to run away.

There is so much I want to tell you but I knew that I was entrusted to keep our family legacy alive, prosperous and healthy. I now had many employees and their families to consider. I had to work through all of my self doubts.

What I鈥檓 trying to tell you is I was always the same guy. My life just changed and my security blanket was gone. I had to struggle through untill I wove a new blanket that gave me the confidence to carry on.

Is it possible, that I really do understand what you are going through?

I honestly think that I do! You are still the woman, you were always meant to be. You are facing situations that are causing you to doubt yourself.

You didn鈥檛 change, situations and life did! I would love to help you find yourself again. Believe me, 鈥渟he鈥 is still there! You were given a purpose, the day you were born. I truly believe this! It is so true!

You have purpose and intent, in your life whether you reach it or not!

It鈥檚 there and always has been. You ARE a very sensitive person. To me, this is one of the greatest attributes that anyone can ever possess.

What I鈥檓 trying to say is you must work on changing your 鈥渕ind set鈥.
To re- create your inner person and work from there. Remember, that person has always been there but became lost and eventually came off the rails.

You can come back an even stronger energy force because of what you went through. Now your sword will be tempered and harder, by the fire and suffering!

馃馃槝馃尯
Peppa26-30, F
[@400392,Oster1] I appreciate what you are saying.
I just don't see it. I personally think had I been a man, I wouldn't encounter half the problems I face today.

I don't even know if I want to be the person I used to be...
All my life who I am has only been used as an example for others to emulate to move on.

That's what my ex was doing, he didn't love me, he didn't even like me. He kept me in the shadows so he could extract information. He bought a shearling coat years after insulting me for wearing one because he realised they cost money, anything I owned that he thought gave me financial status he went on to copy, he is a fraud. He had no intention of letting me meet his family and friends because in his minds eye I wasn't good enough.
This is the story of my life.

I'm now even working somewhere and it's the same crap. I'm only allowed to work there because the manager wants the staff to emulate who I am.
I'm born and bred here and I'm actually just a normal person.
But because they are Caribbean they have strong accents and use defensive body language due to their experiences here in the UK etc.

I'm only there so they can learn how to be more palatable.

In a flash I know they would get rid of me.

As a consequence of the staff seeing how I work and hearing they should be more like me, they turned on me.
Trying to sabotage and find fault in all my work so I would be the target of this woman's bullying ways.

They don't want to change they think their behaviour is acceptable, and because of that they intimidate and bully others into submission.

But the difficulties I face are no different to them. Away from my community I'm even seen as a fraud. I'm constantly quizzed especially as I work in an profession of a certain calibre.

It's not straight forward and me being kind or sensitive or even having the courage to confess I'm not x, y or z makes no difference...

I'm a social pariah!

 
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