I Am American
Trust Issues..... I don't trust many people. In fact, I don't trust anyone at all. I don't trust my friends, my siblings, even my parents.
Now no one has trust issues just because they decided to have trust issues, my story is one filled with sixteen years of hurt.
I don't know if I've been going through this hurt because others have hurt me, or because I've hurt myself. The orignal story of how it all began was years ago when I was about eight. Around this time I had many friends, mostly the neighborhood kids in my area.. With each friend I treated our friendship very special and very differently, equal, but different. I had a one best friend who was my next door neighbor. We had been friends way before we both could talk. She was like my most prized possesion, to me she was very beautiful, very care free, very smart, very funny, and extremely friendly. She was a prized possesion because she was MY bestfriend, and I was her best friend, and at the time I felt like no one else could have her. Then one day, the day I regret still to this day, I hung out with another friend. I mainly hung out with the other girl because my best friend wasn't home yet. So the other girl and I hung out all day, doing illegal things, at the time seemed harmless. Some other things about the girl was she was much older than I was eight, she was fourteen, she was the typical "trouble maker teenager". One of the main reasons why I liked her so much, was because when I was around her, I could be bad. I could do the bad things that I felt like I couldn't do around my best friend, because she was so "precious". Anyway, while hanging out with the older girl we went into another friends garager while she wasnt home and stole a beer out of the fridge. At the time I didn't know much about beer, I just knew it was a drink for adults, but my friend had convinced me that we should do it. She told me that beer made you all "happy", so I went along with it. Of course when we got the beer we didn't know how to open it. So she cracked the top open over a rock, and while doing this the glass bottle broke and cut her hand really bad. Even though she had cut her hand badly and was gushing blood, she was more conserned about drinking the beer before it wasted on the ground. She offered me some and that was my first taste of beer, it tasted bitter, but I knew I was going to remember that taste forever. After that we headed to my house, because it was the closest so my friend could wash her hand and bandage it. After that was done, I figured it was about time my best friend should be getting home, so we went to her house. I didn't think going to her house would be a problem at the time, but it soon became one. The short version of what happened at her house was my best friend became very interested in my other friend. They soon started to hang out every day like I did with my best friend. They would so stuff without me.. And it hurt. More than anything in the world. I had never before experienced being "left out".. The only thing I could understand was MY best friend was becoming BEST with someone else. This went on for a few more years until I moved away. That experience has changed me forever.. I am so afraid of that happening again, so afraid of someone who I pretty much cherish choosing someone else over me. Since that day I have never allowed myself to get close with anyone, in fear that one day they'll just leave. It really hurts. Every time I want a good, close friend, I don't allow myself to get close with them. Not because I just don't but because over the years I've built a wall around myself, not letting anyone in. I don't open up with anyone. I never knew that not opening up with someone could cause ME to hurt. I feel like I don't anyone truly close, and I want to change. I want to be able to allow myself to open up to someone, to get close, and love someone else.. It's really tearing me apart.. & I don't know where to start to fix it..
Now no one has trust issues just because they decided to have trust issues, my story is one filled with sixteen years of hurt.
I don't know if I've been going through this hurt because others have hurt me, or because I've hurt myself. The orignal story of how it all began was years ago when I was about eight. Around this time I had many friends, mostly the neighborhood kids in my area.. With each friend I treated our friendship very special and very differently, equal, but different. I had a one best friend who was my next door neighbor. We had been friends way before we both could talk. She was like my most prized possesion, to me she was very beautiful, very care free, very smart, very funny, and extremely friendly. She was a prized possesion because she was MY bestfriend, and I was her best friend, and at the time I felt like no one else could have her. Then one day, the day I regret still to this day, I hung out with another friend. I mainly hung out with the other girl because my best friend wasn't home yet. So the other girl and I hung out all day, doing illegal things, at the time seemed harmless. Some other things about the girl was she was much older than I was eight, she was fourteen, she was the typical "trouble maker teenager". One of the main reasons why I liked her so much, was because when I was around her, I could be bad. I could do the bad things that I felt like I couldn't do around my best friend, because she was so "precious". Anyway, while hanging out with the older girl we went into another friends garager while she wasnt home and stole a beer out of the fridge. At the time I didn't know much about beer, I just knew it was a drink for adults, but my friend had convinced me that we should do it. She told me that beer made you all "happy", so I went along with it. Of course when we got the beer we didn't know how to open it. So she cracked the top open over a rock, and while doing this the glass bottle broke and cut her hand really bad. Even though she had cut her hand badly and was gushing blood, she was more conserned about drinking the beer before it wasted on the ground. She offered me some and that was my first taste of beer, it tasted bitter, but I knew I was going to remember that taste forever. After that we headed to my house, because it was the closest so my friend could wash her hand and bandage it. After that was done, I figured it was about time my best friend should be getting home, so we went to her house. I didn't think going to her house would be a problem at the time, but it soon became one. The short version of what happened at her house was my best friend became very interested in my other friend. They soon started to hang out every day like I did with my best friend. They would so stuff without me.. And it hurt. More than anything in the world. I had never before experienced being "left out".. The only thing I could understand was MY best friend was becoming BEST with someone else. This went on for a few more years until I moved away. That experience has changed me forever.. I am so afraid of that happening again, so afraid of someone who I pretty much cherish choosing someone else over me. Since that day I have never allowed myself to get close with anyone, in fear that one day they'll just leave. It really hurts. Every time I want a good, close friend, I don't allow myself to get close with them. Not because I just don't but because over the years I've built a wall around myself, not letting anyone in. I don't open up with anyone. I never knew that not opening up with someone could cause ME to hurt. I feel like I don't anyone truly close, and I want to change. I want to be able to allow myself to open up to someone, to get close, and love someone else.. It's really tearing me apart.. & I don't know where to start to fix it..
26-30, F
