It's been a while. Not sure how time passes for you these days, but for me..., it pretty much stands still. Things go on and always seem a bit different from day to day, but all the many different moments do seem to loop themselves around each other. Always leaving me off at the same point. Just standing there trying to hold on to any little memory I can muster.
It's been hard for me. I miss you so much sometimes that all I can do is just shut everything off. I do this fading out thing. I just make the world go blank and all my emotions run dry. It's a hard thing to hold onto though. The real world just never slows down long enough to let me rest. Time moves along and it drags me with it. Still, for all those many passing moments, I'm still right where you left me inside.
It's July 4th today. All last week I spent time scrolling through those now distant times. The way you got all worked up and excited as this day would approach. You always loved it. Even as a little boy that couldnt talk yet. The colors, the soumds....., The nights at the river. Other babies around us all crying at the boom. Not you though. You would laugh and smile like it was all the most wonderful thing you had ever seen.
That was all so long ago. The last few years of your life, you were always off somewhere else. With a giant bag of fireworks, and that never ending 4th of July smile of yours. The one that said your fireworks this year were going to be the best ever. Not too many things in this world could ever tamp down your enthusiasm for this holiday. I find myself wondering if you're still just as excited. Wishing and hoping that's so. But even that's hard.
No matter how much or how hard I try to keep it, my faith in things like that begins to fail. I just look around at the world and I just dont see it anymore. Since you left, I'm just never sure what to think or believe. I just try to keep going in the directions I'm pushed. Hoping your sister gets old someday. It's just all messed up without you. It's all got this not right feeling to it, that I can't ever shake. Even this holiday, that always put that smile on your face...., It's just kinda not right at all.
I spend a lot of time pretending lately. Friends and family say their things. I pretend to listen. People smile and I pretend to smile. When there's work to do, I pretend to pay attention to it. When someone asks, I pretend to be fine. But through all the pretending, I'm still sitting here where you left me. Even all this time later, that hasn't changed. I'm not sure it ever will.
Everyday is just another day without you in it. Another day of knowing that there wont ever be another day. Another day with all these questions that have no answer. Another day where time stands still, and I search my mind endlessly for any little memory I might have forgotten.
I miss you, Joe. Happy 4th, buddy. I wish you were here.
I thank everyone for the words. This post really wasn't about that though. Just needed a place to post it without recriminations. I do appreciate the kindnesses though. Thanks, Rob
Wow, this is possibly the most touching thing I have ever read. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you nothing but the best and I know there is nothing anyone could ever do or say to ease the passing of a child and the world is a much lesser place without them but he is with god and the angels now and I'm sure heaven will be greatly improved by his presence there.
Oh, my heart. I know you feel like a ghost walking the earth right now, lost and just going thru the motions to get to the next day that you know ahead of time will provide no answers or cure. It's an existence that overtakes so, so many because they become too tired to keep fighting for that precious air in their lungs...but not you. You're still here and even though you often times feel like you died the same day he did, you're both still here. Your heart, even in what seems like an unrepairable state is still beating because of the love that continues to live within it.
