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I Am a Thinker

I don't like ambiguity, instead, I'd rather have some idea of what is expected of me.

I prefer some sort of guidance because of my nature. I am one who likes to cross boundaries and push limits. I'm naturally curious and I like to explore. I see it as a way of learning what's possible and what's not, but my adventurousness can get me into trouble at times. Usually by doing something someone didn't expect me to.

I am sensitive to this. I don't like to upset people, especially the ones I am close too. I beat myself up when I do.

I feel like I should know better, but in reality, I'm fighting against something that comes naturally to me. Harder still is that in choosing a course of action I expect myself not to make mistakes. To be perfect.

These conflicts of interest leave me constantly guessing.


Do I or don't I?

Should I or should I not?

Is it ok or is it not ok?

Now or not now?

What is enough and what is too much?


Add to this I love to play. Life is so boring the way most of us live it. I can't understand how we've sold out to such mundane lives. Day in and day out only what's necessary and not what we'd like to do. We're not hunter gatherers anymore, we should have more freedom than it feels like we have.

I want to break out of it. I want to live, to feel alive. I just don't know how to do it without affecting those around me.

I care a lot for the people I surround myself with, those people I choose to "let in".

They tend to be individuals, or in other words, they have a good sense of self. And they have a strength to them, but by the same token, are kind hearted. They usually start out will a lot of patience too. They'll basically let me rant and rave, then roll their eyes and ask me "Are you done yet?"

I am an emotional handful. With those I trust, I will tell you exactly what I'm feeling. The problem there is, I feel a lot. The highs are high and the lows are low.

For me, all those feelings, they're just another day in my life. I like the rollercoaster. It's funny, I'll have times of calm and (after a while) it seems strange not feeling anything. Life begins to feel dull and I miss not being able to feel something.

But the rollercoaster wears other people down, especially if they care. They try to help but get overwhelmed. They lose sight of the fact it's their presence that matters, not actively trying to "save" me. I'll do that on my own, I just need something to grab on to.

Before long, they've withstood all they care to, and they go.

I can't blame them. They tried. Maybe too hard, but they tried.

The fact of the matter is that I am the reason they all leave. It's my fault. They leave because of who I am/what I am, and my inability to tame the wild parts of myself.

As such, I try not to get too close to people. I know the "monster" I can be. I'd rather people know me from a distance, than get too close and grow to dislike me for who I am on the inside; but sometimes a person's kindness and compassion will draw me in, and I kind of pray for them.

While I understand that I am not an easy person to deal with, I like who I am. I love the emotion I experience and the ways it brings color to my life. I would not rather be anyone else than who I am. I like the life I have lived. I am not a bad person, I strive to be kind to everyone, I am patient and understanding, compassionate, affectionate, loyal, and will love someone just for who they are and what they mean to me. I want to make people happy and be a positive influence.

But I am definitely not everybody's cup of tea.

What's hard for me is that the people I let in are few and rare, and it's hard to let go of someone I've invested so much in.

Not to mention, I'm one of those people who never really lets go. If you get in once you have a lifetime pass.

Logically I understand that nothing lasts forever in this world and not everything turns out as you'd hoped, nor are all things meant to be, but emotionally I feel the void where someone important to me once stood.


Still, what I dream of is consistency.

I'd like to feel wanted and not have to guess whether I am or not.

I don't want to hear someone's feelings for me be reserved only for when they're drunk.

What I would like is someone who can talk about their feelings.

Someone who can give me their opinion.

Someone who is expressive.

Someone who understands I am endlessly curious.

Someone who will listen to the myriad thoughts that run through my head without judgement.

Someone who can look upon my moods with a bit curiosity.

Someone who doesn't take me too seriously.

Someone who is patient.

Someone who likes to play.

Someone who can tell me I'm being ridiculous.

Someone who understands that I am expressive, but that no one expression defines me.

Someone who doesn't mind my telling them how I feel about them.

Someone who can take those feelings (of mine) simply for what they are.

Someone who likes having me around for the person I am.


Basically, someone who will let me be, me.


I imagine that is something anyone would want, but as someone who's a bit of a trainwreck, I'd place a lot of value on a person like that.

 
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