Do women in "abusive relationships" have themselves to blame?

Let me try to break it down for you.

#1 - it’s not ALWAYS constant. There may be pauses between abuse sessions - months or even years.

#2 - our lives are not ONLY spent with a spouse. There are children, extended families, friends. Often when a victim of abuse leaves, some or all of those ties are severed. It can get lonesome out there.

#3 - The most dangerous time in abusive relationships is when the victim leaves. That’s when most of the murders happen.

#4 - protective orders are useless with many abusers. They are controlling and a piece of paper, court or no court, will not stop them. I think it’s a little better now, but a couple of decades ago the police weren’t much interested in ‘meddling in a marriage.

#5 - Abuse victims listen to a lot of abusive language, unfair accusations. Before long, the victim believes it.

#6 - If there are children, it means that except in the most egregious cases, the parents will be required to be connected - at least until the kids are grown and gone. If one parent is violent, that’s a long fearful time.

I hate that this is still even a question. 😔

leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for an abused woman, whether or not she does it in secrecy. even with help, even with resources, of which most don't have because the abuser has designed it to be this way. no one has a right to judge a victim for being scared and, most times, helpless.

As a man that was married to a very manipulative verbally and, mentally abusive wife of a total of 11 years of marriage and divorced on the 11th year let me add this happens to good men and it ruins them too like it did me.

I married my ex-wife out of 100% love and lust of her. Once married she quit takin her Bi-polar medication and cheated in the first year. She told me she needed to decide if she wanted the marriage or not and decided to stay. We had a son and daughter together my glue that kept me in the marriage I put her through nursing college to get her RN BSN degree. On our 7th wedding anniversary, I quit trying because I could not break her mental and verbally abuse towards me, and a few times she threw objects across a room that hit me in the arm or face. I stayed hoping she would get back on her meds and plea with her to do so without any success, and maybe we could rekindle that love I "THOUGHT" we had. When she came to me on Thanksgiving evening after all friends and family went home from our house to tell me we needed a divorce so she could be with her soulmate a doctor she worked with at the hospital. I quit and said fine take him file he divorce I am done.

Post divorce the kids "BOTH" asked and did come to live with me because mom started doing to them that she had done to me mentally and verbally abuse wise. I will let this stand on its own merit.

As a 5'10" 240-pound male at the time that bench pressed 405 pounds in the Army as an unarmed self-defense expert I never once thought of harming her or being abessive in any way. She was 5'6'' 110 pounds and I loved and honored her like I was taught too by my parents. Now this entire experience couple with several post-divorce disaster dating relationships leaves me hating the term let alone the idea of marriage or a relationship.

Besides these wars and injuries and 12 major surgeries from them and being blown up and other things changed me into who I am today. Documented PTSD from childhood, marriage, and military of 27 years' service. This happens to men too.

And I stayed as long as I did out of love of the person I dated and hoping she would revert back to the lie of whom she was during our dating and our kids together.

After running a refuge for 7yrs my answer is no person neither woman/man deserves physical abuse. In some cases women can reach a point where they get a burst of courage to stand up to it to their own detriment because they’re often past believing they’re going to survive it. Let’s not forget there are plenty of good men/women that when they feel they are getting to a point of losing control they can take themselves away from the situation. The fear felt when faced with your abuser is incomprehensible, they convince you of the lengths they will go to if you try to leave and you believe it and in many cases it’s true.

I guess it's easy to be a judgmental person if you haven't been through it.

I spent 10 years with fractures, covering up black eyes, broken ribs. Being mentally and physically abused. Lost a cousin who was murdered for trying to leave her abusive relationship.

I got to escape but then he stole my kids for 2 years then put them through living hell. After the help of CPS and the police and courts I got my kids but none of us will be the same.

It's far more complicated than that. Does she have a place to go? What is the risk that she would be caught while running away and killed? Can she objectively know that if she's constantly threatened? How high is probability that if she runs away and becomes homeless she might get treated even worse later? Why do people think other people care and are willing to help someone in need? Do you get the impression that people in the comment section care? Just how long exactly does she need to stay in the relationship for it to be "her fault"?

I've typed this response three times: "This question is abusive" and deleted it.

Please, try doing some reading and thinking before posting a question like that.

In a manner of speaking in most cases, yes. [b]But[/b] some serious empathy is needed when addressing this, because for many, it’s not so simple for them to just leave and we are at a point where asking anyone in an abusive relationship why they don’t just do so is a bit insensitive.

I knew a couple of men who were abused by their female partners so, in those cases, I'd say the women were to blame. I don't know of any women who were abused by their male partners but I'd say the same applies - the abuser is to blame.

Its only their fault if they stay once it starts and they do not reach out for help abd do not get out and the woman stays

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, but sometimes it's difficult for people to separate their feelings from the facts. There are some people who seem to attract abusive people, and end up in multiple relationships like that.

Unfortunately, it’s complicated.
The person being abused is [b]never[/b] to blame.

Having said that, people who stay and refuse help (especially when there are children) are damaged. Sometimes they think they’re keeping the family intact, but it’s never healthy for kids to grow up witnessing abuse.

One place I volunteered years ago was in a women’s shelter. I only worked there for a short time and became very disillusioned about a lot of things in that environment.

The way I see it, if you are a grown adult you are responsible for your own safety. It's not your fault for finding yourself in an abusive relationship but it is your fault for staying (I said staying, not for getting killed).

Narcissists will always do just enough to keep you coming back for more, making it even harder for the actual victim to recognize they are even being abused. "If they were really a bad person, why would they have [insert genuinely nice gesture here]." This is one of many reasons why some continue to stay in these relationships. My parents unfortunately fit perfectly into this category and it took me about 20 years to fully realize I was being abused.

I think that sometimes abused women accept their condition because they have been abused so long, they think it is normal.

Whenever you treat them nice, with respect, they push you away because they think you are too good for them or that they don't deserve you.


I dated a woman that had been raped twice and she blamed herself for them, because 'she should have known better'.

And when she was married to her second husband (she had been married 3X when I met her) he beat her often. She did not leave him until he beat her so bad she laid unconscious on the floor for 12 hours. Her husband and her father in law, walked over her when she was lying on the floor. When she woke up she grabbed her 2 kids and left the state.

It was hard to rationalize things with her regarding domestic abuse.

And she was a nurse, so you would have thought she had less tolerance for this.

But you can't change anyone unless they want to change.

The only actions I can control are mine.... I can't control theirs....

No one asks for abuse, it's the perpetrator, they may be afraid to leave, it's not constant and the good outweighs the bad times, their will come a time when it comes to a head, and something has gotta change

I think it’s a bit more complicated. Easier when there may be a safe harbor, more difficult if the world outside the abusive relationship looks as threatening as the abusive relationship. Other considerations.

That is unkind and cruel. If you have never been in that kind of situation, you cannot understand it. One's life is a part of a whole number of peoples. MamaP answered this best. I hope you never have to endure any kind of abuse.

@NinaCherry if they are in abusive relationship it is not there fault and need too get out fast

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In a sense yes because they decide to stay when they shouldn’t but leaving isn’t easy either. Took me a long time to accept it’s gotta end and leave my toxic relationship.

It depends I think

This is very common and one would hope that they could be aware of the danger. A lot of women who end up being trafficked are usually manipulated psychologically with promises until they wake up realizing they have been groomed and abused by 4000 plus sick individuals.

When they keep coming back for more, as many do, then yes.

they only have themselves to blame when they have a chance to leave but choose to stay, foolishly believing the abuser will change.