What is a thought that can change your life?

When I Was 6 years old I remember having a distinct thought one Day. That if i were just kind to others or peers, that maybe they would a accept me. I lived in a house of severe chaos and abuse. That thought made me into a people pleaser the rest of my childhood years and up to now. It was a survival mechanism I know now. But if my entire life changed with one thought...i wonder what new thought could help heal me from the trauma I lived for So long. Pleasing others before yourself (and not believing you SHOULD be happy anyway ) leads to low self confidence and burnout. Any Thoughts that might be Something of truth that could allo w one to feel worth going forward?

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SW-User

Hi Coral 🙂

A thought that really helped me just now is to have no thought. Like you who grew up in a dysfunctional toxic and chaotic household, I ruminated on my past for the whole 2023 year up until now, sadly. I spent all this time thinking about why my parents have to be toxic? Why do they have to sabotage their own child’s future? Why am I such a failure and an undeserving nobody now? Is there no hope for me? All these thoughts did nothing to help me.

I grew more depressed and bitter. Thinking about how I wasted my whole 2023 year by being stuck on my past, when I could have used that time to get my career started. I can only grow older and less desirable to the opposite sex. Life gets tougher while I’m getting daily brain fogs from thinking too much about the past that can’t be changed and how miserable I am.

My whole morning started off with a crippling brain fog, probably from reading and watching materials on narcissistic abuse last night (things like how being abused can damage your brain and development). Today, I couldn’t focus on reading when my head felt so heavy and aching. That’s when I had a thought that maybe I can turn off that thinking switch in my head, to let go and clear my head. Maybe I can focus on what needs to be done instead. You know what? Surprisingly, it actually worked.

The fogginess and headaches seem to have mostly dispersed within minutes as I’m writing this. I feel like I can get back to studying, so I can finally land a job in my field this year and move on with my life. My past isn’t the place where I want to be, so in this moment I chose not to let it affect me.

I think letting go of our pasts is the key to healing. Did the abuses and traumas happen? Yeah, no doubt, they did and they affected people like us greatly. There’s no denying that we suffered because of these horrible people in our lives that we thought were supposed to love us. However, I don’t think it should dictate the rest of your life to be a people pleaser. It’d be a waste of who you really could be.

You can let your past go, along with all that people pleasing trait that you learned over the years. Just let it all go, and set new goals for what you want in your future. You can’t go through life pleasing people all the time because it will be at your own expense. Put your own life and goals first. You aren’t necessarily a people pleaser anymore unless you still choose to please people. You can choose to live for yourself instead. It’s really up to you.

For myself, I want to accept that life hasn’t been kind to me and move on from that. I want to write down everything bad that ruined me on a piece of paper and burn it. I don’t want to spend time or energy on something that can’t be changed. I don’t want to be crippled by brain fogs, headaches, depression or anger anymore. I feel it’s best for us let go of everything and start our lives over. Despite our poor upbringings, we shouldn’t allow our futures to be wasted. Clear our heads and do what needs to be done, like a factory reset for smart phones.

Sorry for the long essay. It’s just that I’m just so passionate with this topic about traumas and abuses. I wholeheartedly believe people like us can do better for ourselves if we work on it. Might not overcome it in days, weeks, or even years, but any healing is better than no healing.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@SW-User THANK you for such a reflective reply. I think that is very true. To just make our minds uncluttered of any thought. Thank you..I am truly sorry you also had narcissism in your upbringing. I read a quote from a psychologist that said those who were under Narcissistic abuse don't even truly get how bad it really is. All we can do is do the opposite of what was told to us and keep saying I DO deserve goodness (I rarely believe I do). Ty so much. 🌹

SW-User

@Coralmist no, thank you! Your posts make me think about things a bit deeper. I studied psychology a bit for my health degree years ago. I learned there are therapies to stop unwanted behaviors, such as cognitive behavior therapy. It’s said that a learned behavior can be changed. I’ve never been in therapy, but that’s good news for us! We can change or control how we feel. Not totally hopeless for people who are in similar situations like me.

I was really surprised that simply emptying my mind when I was filled with pain and sadness worked wonders. I felt happy and calm all day today. It’s like meditating- relaxed, accepting of any thoughts that come, and then letting them go. Unwanted and negative thoughts are unwelcome in my head.

I agree, the abuse can be really hurtful and not noticed until many years later. It’s only when I see other people walking around in public, holding hands with another person, being happy with their families, while I’m here alone, miserable, hyper vigilant, lacking life and social skills, anxious, angry, etc… I learned that the person I’m today isn’t normal. I try to copy the behaviors of what’s normal. I learned how to talk to people, how to party and have fun, how to do basic life skills that my parents never taught me from YouTube and from my friends.

Again, not to bore you. I hope everyone can be the best person he or she can be, and be happy at the end of it all. It’s a struggle to undo all the damages, but I’m hopeful it can be done. 😊

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@SW-User I also feel sad seeing others in love because I have been trying hard to change my Old blueprint.. (that I am not worth loving , due to my issues or PTSD. ) It is truly hard to change a belief that has been so engrained. It sounds like meditation was definitely beneficial. Ty for sharing DETH🍀