Wounds are activations ?
What happened this time. After a year and two months of keeping to myself I slept with this guy that I've been sharing the house with.
And how he reacted afterwards, keeping his distance and being like we just met or he barely knows me.
I went through a trip that opened my heart and made me receptive and vulnerable again and very creative and for that I am grateful.
But also I felt used, humiliated, disregarded, like I wasn't important or loved. And I became angry with myself for not protecting me, for going back into my older patterns.
My logic is very simple, if I am not enjoying the wholeness of the experience, then why have it ?
You'd think things were bad, he left for a couple of days and returned with another girl who stays in his room.
I'm living through this for the past few days.
I thought to leave but then I reminded myself that I'm not running. I am claiming my spaces, that's the very least I owe and can provide for myself. I'm not being pushed away any longer.
The guy truly tried for that.
He behaved like a jerk and he didn't like that I confronted him and called him out. He'd have preferences if I'd have just smiled silently and leave.
Things surfaced and I was able to dive deeper into new depths and layers of healing.
Are wounds activations or am I perpetuating a Stockholm syndrome ?
What's been done is done, I'll try to forgive everyone involved as much as I can and move on joyfully and lightly, being present and truthful as much as I can, being gentle but also standing up and speaking my truth.
It was sad, why that happened ? Why am I attracting this ? To react differently, to see what I want, to become stronger. Meh.
See, I'm going back and forth.
My whole routine collapsed and everything.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
One new thing I've discovered is that destructive forces are equally healing.
And how he reacted afterwards, keeping his distance and being like we just met or he barely knows me.
I went through a trip that opened my heart and made me receptive and vulnerable again and very creative and for that I am grateful.
But also I felt used, humiliated, disregarded, like I wasn't important or loved. And I became angry with myself for not protecting me, for going back into my older patterns.
My logic is very simple, if I am not enjoying the wholeness of the experience, then why have it ?
You'd think things were bad, he left for a couple of days and returned with another girl who stays in his room.
I'm living through this for the past few days.
I thought to leave but then I reminded myself that I'm not running. I am claiming my spaces, that's the very least I owe and can provide for myself. I'm not being pushed away any longer.
The guy truly tried for that.
He behaved like a jerk and he didn't like that I confronted him and called him out. He'd have preferences if I'd have just smiled silently and leave.
Things surfaced and I was able to dive deeper into new depths and layers of healing.
Are wounds activations or am I perpetuating a Stockholm syndrome ?
What's been done is done, I'll try to forgive everyone involved as much as I can and move on joyfully and lightly, being present and truthful as much as I can, being gentle but also standing up and speaking my truth.
It was sad, why that happened ? Why am I attracting this ? To react differently, to see what I want, to become stronger. Meh.
See, I'm going back and forth.
My whole routine collapsed and everything.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
One new thing I've discovered is that destructive forces are equally healing.
