A story: The only one I’ve ever loved [part 2 of 3]
The only one I’ve ever loved [part 2 of 3]
A romantic tragedy by Rudboy41
“I have this fantasy; where we’re together and nobody knows..”
At high school Nikki couldn’t keep her eyes off me, it even made my friends laugh sometimes, and one day she got a little too daring for my liking. After school was out for the weekend she came up to me, excited to ask what I was doing that weekend. I told her we should cool it for a while. I needed time to think, Nikki had a big zit on her top lip which didn’t help her either - Mystified as usual, she agreed.
Saturday rolled on and I was out with my friends, we stopped at the local hangout, a coffee shop, and there she was sitting to my surprise - a table away from us. My friends thought nothing of it as they couldn’t see the tension between her and I. As the night progressed we moved closer and we started chatting. And I turned to my friends quickly out of her earshot and told them, “Hey guys I bet you I could get this chic to give me head” they look enthused “Go for it man” was the reply.
I turned back to Nikki and asked if she wanted to take a walk with me. She nodded.
Soon we were making-out in the night shadows of the park for a while, alone and away from everyone else. Then later walking back out of the darkness hand-in-hand blissed-out she says, “I guess we’re not on a break anymore.”
We enter the yellow pool of light under a street lamp, before we made the corner back to the coffee shop and the view of my friends and I let go of her hand abruptly, she looks at me and takes a breath to say something but before she could, my tongue pierces the air, “ I have this fantasy where we’re together and nobody knows..” – my composure having a serious look which said, “you better be o.k with this or I’m gonna leave you.”
The iris of her eyes shrunk in the light, she was speechless, Nikki’s eyes becoming empty as we fell around the corner, her hand dangling in mid air to meet her friend’s hand. Pulling her into animation again, “we hafto go, your Dad’s been waiting for like ten minutes!” Nikki mustered, “good night” - breaking her silence.
My friends greeted me like team mates greeting the runner at the end of a finish line, “How was it?” – I proceeded to lie with a grin, making up the details about the head i’d apparently just gotten, I was full of pride but it was a cold hollow pride - my victory undermined by the image of Nikki’s empty eyes. I didn’t want to hurt her - but that’s what I was doing with this masquerade, playing with her heart. Little did I realize I was playing with mine too.
“ I don’t cry over boys’ I never cry ”
Monday: at school I had a sneaking suspicion that what I’d told my fake friends on Saturday might get around, even Nikki didn’t deserve that, I had to put the fire out before it could do any damage, this lie about a small conquest could ruin my chances of the real conquest to come(hopefully).
I pulled the friends I’d told from Saturday aside and did something brave; I told them the truth - that I had lied about Saturday, they were disappointed in me and I felt naked for a few seconds but my face saved me, giving the impression I was lying: like Nikki had put me up to saying that schpieel - A Sebastian cover – A trump card, Derek gave a slow secret nod, “o.k Rudboy41”
It felt like the heat was on, people were watching, so I was ice cold towards Nikki, her eyes still had traces of Saturday in them.
Wednesday break time: Nikki couldn’t stand the cold silence blowing over her anymore and she waited for me at the tuck-shop, “Rudboy41 come and speak to me please.” It was the usual routine again: She was confused, implying matter-of-factly ‘so what are we?’ but today she was different, she had a tone of finality in her voice, the threat of an ultimatum loomed. She had me cornered, and I had to pull off Sebastian magic or my chances of winning my challenge and sleeping with her were slim.
So I gaslit her and made her question the definition of a relationship, “If we call ourselves this or that, we are confining ourselves to all the rules and expectations that come with those boyfriend/girlfriend labels, where’s the room for magic in that?” I explained that we were still on a break but I wanted her to be happy, I wanted us to be friend’s first coz we were moving too fast.
Her body language softened and she lightened up because of the hope that I was still there for her, but as a friend which could change at anytime, as she’d already seen on Saturday.
Inside I was relieved, “As your friend after seeing the other guys you’ve dated before me, I must ask you: Why do you punish yourself by dating such losers?” – What I really meant was: You deserve much better than that- But the words couldn’t find the sentiment.
Surprised she pouts, hiding her scoff, “Punish myself? I don’t punish myself!” then tongue-in-cheek she says, “Do you know you made me cry!? I don’t cry over boys’ I never cry. The last time I cried was like two years ago.” I said sorry in the same tone she used to say that. And we left each other at the playful and warm ‘whatever’ that was lingering in the air.
“It’s official I love you..”
My parents were going out of town for the weekend and I decided to step things up a bit, I invited Nikki to come over and she was hesitant and coy, “I don’t know” she replied and I reassured her I wasn’t asking her just because I wanted to have sex (whatever).
She came to my house on Saturday morning, it was just the two of us, I felt really comfortable with her, for the first time, I didn’t have to worry about people watching and judging me, I could relax without having to pretend like I did at school.
I opened up the last bottle of left over champagne from my birthday for the both of us, secretly I was celebrating a milestone; I was halfway to winning my challenge, I dedicated the toast to the both of us. We started kissing and I later got to see her naked, it felt like my heart was pumping marshmallow as I undressed her on my bed, the late morning light shining through my bedroom windows outlining her body and the small hairs of her smooth white skin, resembling those of a ripe peach.. I fingered her and kissed her body, her scent was intoxicating and beautiful, we didn’t have sex though.
Shortly before she had to leave I was sitting on my bed and she was sitting on my guitar amp, I was playing one of the songs from her favourite band, I just wanted her to feel the vibrations, Nikki seemed impressed and then smiled as if in disbelief while shaking her head to say something I wasn’t expecting, “Yip… It’s official, I love you” – she leant far forward sitting up from the amp to hold my face in both hands and kiss me. I didn’t know what to say, she had that blissed out look in her eyes again and her mom arrived at the gate before I could think of a response. We said farewell with big smiles, she asked worried, “do I look o.k?” and I replied, “yes” her cheeks still tangerine red from the excitement of earlier, she was still blushing as she left my house.
So we didn’t get to have sex but I felt like it was definitely not far away, since it had only been a month and already I had seen her naked, I was on my way to winning my challenge.
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start..
After that weekend Nikki felt a lot more confident around me, and started to get even braver at school, seeking me out whenever she felt like it, one day we ended up sitting on one of the benches together, in front of everyone, I didn’t mind but people soon started to judge me, confirming my fears, some of my female friends would say things like, “Are you dating Nikki?”; “What the hell are you doing with that Nikki, she’s a skank.” I denied it every time, lying about seeing her and saying that we were just friends.
People were starting to talk & realize, even my mother eventually found out about Nikki and told me to be careful because she knew Nikki was a “fast” girl. I wondered if the people who also said similar things to me were really looking out for me or if they were jealous? – I couldn’t tell.
Since Nikki had the ‘skank’ label, I knew I had to keep the affair as vague as possible, I had been aware of this since that day I asked for her number, sometimes having to be cruel making Nikki feel invisible. Although she could see me at a distance at school, that distance was through my disguise, it held the gap between my heart and the rapture of her affection a young girl’s growing love for a boy.
I was starting to really like Nikki.
My rendezvous with Nikki were starting to become more public, like at the inter-schools hockey tournament, I couldn’t even hold her hand because of all the people who knew me there, I sat down with Nikki under the trees and I interrogated her with probing questions about sex, past relationships and if she did sleep with her last boyfriend like everyone said she did. I was really just trying to negate her skankiness (what everyone had been telling me about her)
Obviously we ended up making out later away from everyone, as we returned to our friends, she had to go home, but her friend Tracy didn’t and she had something interesting to tell me. She told me about how it was actually her sms’ing me back the other night from Nikki’s phone, while Nikki was busy. – I wondered why Tracy felt she needed to tell me that. Was it because of jealousy? Was she looking out for me, as a friend or did she want to sabotage my relationship? – I couldn’t tell.
The day I fell in love..
My next rendezvous with Nikki, was a Friday I’ll never forget
After school was out, my mother was late to pick me up, and Nikki’s father was late too, we were practically the last one’s left in the school parking lot. Nikki invited me to come and watch movies with her later, I wasn’t sure and said I’d let her know later. What was unforgettable was the moment when we said goodbye, she stood on her tip toes and kissed me and that was the moment that I started to fall for Nikki- that kiss. It was pure and unmotivated by sex or the need to impress anyone.
It was just because. It’s what heaven feels like. I was starting to realize that, like the event at my house, Nikki and I could do stuff together without anyone finding out. It was the only way a real relationship could exist where I could be myself, without others, without labels and without pretense and I wanted to try and show her that. I don’t think she realized how much anxiety this whole game was causing me, how hard it actually was, not to show how much I wanted to be with her, maybe there was someway we could get around this reputation thing and be together without the pressure.
I was having conflicting feelings the warm “maybe we could work” vs. “Win the bet and you can have your first lay and keep your reputation.”
The last day of 1st term soon arrived, Nikki had been telling me things like; how she just wanted to throw me up against the school lockers and kiss me & how she was going to blow me away. The day before the school broke up for holidays, I got invited to her house along with all her friends from her grade, which made things abit awkward, as they were all chilling in the lounge, but I had brought two of my friends myself, they were my “wingmen” while I was with Nikki.
Nikki took my hand and led me into her room. Sitting on her double bed, with a seductive voice Nikki says, “It’s your turn to get naked this time.” So I got naked and slide up next to her on the bed, we started talking and she soon got naked aswell, then I asked if she wanted have sex and she nodded..
With all my inexperience, I couldn’t have tried harder to make things awkward as I fumbled my words, trying to tell her I was about to lose my virginity to her, she actually had to tell me to shut-up so as not ruin the mood any further. I remember her face best and how I brushed her long blonde hair out it as I was on top, It was the best day of my life. Afterwards I felt like a king, like ‘the man’! – I had won my challenge and as we left Nikki’s house, I couldn’t help telling my friends the truth when they asked if I had scored – Any guy who’s just gotten laid, cannot hide his pride, it’s impossible to do.
My holiday started the next day as I left Satan’s Dustbin and Nikki phoned me, her tone was different and she now called me the ‘love of her life’ I couldn’t say the same, but it didn’t seem to matter to her anyway she was in love. And I, I was trying to find a way to stop myself from getting too deep into this, but I had never felt like this before.
Watching love die..
On holiday we were at different coast lines and we’d sms to and fro but one night I decided to phone her instead, telling her how much I liked her, before I ended the conversation. I cried alone in the dark silence of the night thinking about what I had to do after I had ended that conversation.
That night was the night that I had to make a difficult choice: follow my heart and be with her, forsaking my reputation and the safety of my mask- or be very cruel cut thingws off and have nothing more to do with Nikki, but getting to keep my reputation intact, and feeling like a legend for sleeping with a skank without anybody finding out, a very hard trick to pull off at our small school.
I had let things get too far, even though it had only been a week since I’d slept with Nikki, I had never felt that before or been loved and now I had to somehow think of a way of letting this all go - or did I? I thought I was starting to get soft and it frightened me. I cried myself to sleep on my bed at the holiday house, imaging letting go of this all.
I let this conflict of indecision eat away at my resolves slowly, stuck between the difficult choice of love or pride, I couldn’t have both, and at the same time having one without the other would feel hollow.
If I was never to see her again, everything would be fine, our relationship could be labeled a stretched out one-night stand right? easy to box, easy to throw away without sticky feelings staying behind and I could move on, I’d already won the bet and there was nothing left to prove. I’d get over it soon enough is what I hoped.
I don’t think I want to be with you.
Returning to school again I didn’t let Nikki know we were done instead I just relaxed with my friends, seeing Nikki mostly when her group of friends mingled with mine at breaktime at school. Nikki acted kinda “clingly” towards me and she soon asked me why I don’t talk to her much during break anymore, I used ‘I’m catching up with my friends’ as an excuse.
That weekend there was a festival in our town, at the street parade I met up with Nikki and that night I acted quite differently to the way I did at school, she noticed and commented on it. How I wasn’t afraid to kiss her in public now. I wish I could explain to her that this is how the Sebastian masquerade worked. We ended up going to a secluded spot to be alone, away from the crowd. Sitting together, under the moonlit sky, she told me I was her world. I didn’t want to go too deep into it, playing it cool, I boldly asked for a blowjob and she refused, I then insisted, threatening to find a girl at the party I was going to later. She didn’t budge and rebutted me by saying, “why don’t you just have a wank then.”
Her phone rang to remind her of her curfew, as she had to leave, I apologized and she didn’t even fuss – as if testament to how well she understood me – but she didn’t understand what was really going on in my head: I was trying to milk what was possibly my last opportunities with her.
A week went by and Nikki was really starting to act like my girlfriend at school, it made me so anxious and I felt like things were getting out of control, by control I mean I felt like I didn’t have the reigns anymore, and I wanted them back(and at the same time wanted to get closer to her).
Lately I had wanted to see how far I could get by not getting emotionally involved, I wanted to sleep with her again one last time, that was for sure and I hoped it would materialize, but not without getting emotionally involved with her, I couldn’t pull it off, I knew it, and the truth was I was just deluding myself, I was actually in love.
Things were all coming to a head, and the day came, not long after we got back to school, that I had to have “the talk” with Nikki. It happened at break time.
Rudboy41: I don’t think I want to be with you, this isn’t working for me
Nikki: O.k, so that’s it then? so are we at least going to be friends?
Rudboy41: I guess so, I don’t think we’re working out and I thought it best to be honest with you and tell you face to face.
Nikki: What am I supposed to do with these feelings?
Rudboy41: Like I said we can still be friends
Nikki: I guess, we’ll just be friends then, friends who’ve f**cked
I left Nikki and my chances of real emotional connection and turned to face my sebastian mask and the road it was to led me down.
A romantic tragedy by Rudboy41
“I have this fantasy; where we’re together and nobody knows..”
At high school Nikki couldn’t keep her eyes off me, it even made my friends laugh sometimes, and one day she got a little too daring for my liking. After school was out for the weekend she came up to me, excited to ask what I was doing that weekend. I told her we should cool it for a while. I needed time to think, Nikki had a big zit on her top lip which didn’t help her either - Mystified as usual, she agreed.
Saturday rolled on and I was out with my friends, we stopped at the local hangout, a coffee shop, and there she was sitting to my surprise - a table away from us. My friends thought nothing of it as they couldn’t see the tension between her and I. As the night progressed we moved closer and we started chatting. And I turned to my friends quickly out of her earshot and told them, “Hey guys I bet you I could get this chic to give me head” they look enthused “Go for it man” was the reply.
I turned back to Nikki and asked if she wanted to take a walk with me. She nodded.
Soon we were making-out in the night shadows of the park for a while, alone and away from everyone else. Then later walking back out of the darkness hand-in-hand blissed-out she says, “I guess we’re not on a break anymore.”
We enter the yellow pool of light under a street lamp, before we made the corner back to the coffee shop and the view of my friends and I let go of her hand abruptly, she looks at me and takes a breath to say something but before she could, my tongue pierces the air, “ I have this fantasy where we’re together and nobody knows..” – my composure having a serious look which said, “you better be o.k with this or I’m gonna leave you.”
The iris of her eyes shrunk in the light, she was speechless, Nikki’s eyes becoming empty as we fell around the corner, her hand dangling in mid air to meet her friend’s hand. Pulling her into animation again, “we hafto go, your Dad’s been waiting for like ten minutes!” Nikki mustered, “good night” - breaking her silence.
My friends greeted me like team mates greeting the runner at the end of a finish line, “How was it?” – I proceeded to lie with a grin, making up the details about the head i’d apparently just gotten, I was full of pride but it was a cold hollow pride - my victory undermined by the image of Nikki’s empty eyes. I didn’t want to hurt her - but that’s what I was doing with this masquerade, playing with her heart. Little did I realize I was playing with mine too.
“ I don’t cry over boys’ I never cry ”
Monday: at school I had a sneaking suspicion that what I’d told my fake friends on Saturday might get around, even Nikki didn’t deserve that, I had to put the fire out before it could do any damage, this lie about a small conquest could ruin my chances of the real conquest to come(hopefully).
I pulled the friends I’d told from Saturday aside and did something brave; I told them the truth - that I had lied about Saturday, they were disappointed in me and I felt naked for a few seconds but my face saved me, giving the impression I was lying: like Nikki had put me up to saying that schpieel - A Sebastian cover – A trump card, Derek gave a slow secret nod, “o.k Rudboy41”
It felt like the heat was on, people were watching, so I was ice cold towards Nikki, her eyes still had traces of Saturday in them.
Wednesday break time: Nikki couldn’t stand the cold silence blowing over her anymore and she waited for me at the tuck-shop, “Rudboy41 come and speak to me please.” It was the usual routine again: She was confused, implying matter-of-factly ‘so what are we?’ but today she was different, she had a tone of finality in her voice, the threat of an ultimatum loomed. She had me cornered, and I had to pull off Sebastian magic or my chances of winning my challenge and sleeping with her were slim.
So I gaslit her and made her question the definition of a relationship, “If we call ourselves this or that, we are confining ourselves to all the rules and expectations that come with those boyfriend/girlfriend labels, where’s the room for magic in that?” I explained that we were still on a break but I wanted her to be happy, I wanted us to be friend’s first coz we were moving too fast.
Her body language softened and she lightened up because of the hope that I was still there for her, but as a friend which could change at anytime, as she’d already seen on Saturday.
Inside I was relieved, “As your friend after seeing the other guys you’ve dated before me, I must ask you: Why do you punish yourself by dating such losers?” – What I really meant was: You deserve much better than that- But the words couldn’t find the sentiment.
Surprised she pouts, hiding her scoff, “Punish myself? I don’t punish myself!” then tongue-in-cheek she says, “Do you know you made me cry!? I don’t cry over boys’ I never cry. The last time I cried was like two years ago.” I said sorry in the same tone she used to say that. And we left each other at the playful and warm ‘whatever’ that was lingering in the air.
“It’s official I love you..”
My parents were going out of town for the weekend and I decided to step things up a bit, I invited Nikki to come over and she was hesitant and coy, “I don’t know” she replied and I reassured her I wasn’t asking her just because I wanted to have sex (whatever).
She came to my house on Saturday morning, it was just the two of us, I felt really comfortable with her, for the first time, I didn’t have to worry about people watching and judging me, I could relax without having to pretend like I did at school.
I opened up the last bottle of left over champagne from my birthday for the both of us, secretly I was celebrating a milestone; I was halfway to winning my challenge, I dedicated the toast to the both of us. We started kissing and I later got to see her naked, it felt like my heart was pumping marshmallow as I undressed her on my bed, the late morning light shining through my bedroom windows outlining her body and the small hairs of her smooth white skin, resembling those of a ripe peach.. I fingered her and kissed her body, her scent was intoxicating and beautiful, we didn’t have sex though.
Shortly before she had to leave I was sitting on my bed and she was sitting on my guitar amp, I was playing one of the songs from her favourite band, I just wanted her to feel the vibrations, Nikki seemed impressed and then smiled as if in disbelief while shaking her head to say something I wasn’t expecting, “Yip… It’s official, I love you” – she leant far forward sitting up from the amp to hold my face in both hands and kiss me. I didn’t know what to say, she had that blissed out look in her eyes again and her mom arrived at the gate before I could think of a response. We said farewell with big smiles, she asked worried, “do I look o.k?” and I replied, “yes” her cheeks still tangerine red from the excitement of earlier, she was still blushing as she left my house.
So we didn’t get to have sex but I felt like it was definitely not far away, since it had only been a month and already I had seen her naked, I was on my way to winning my challenge.
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start..
After that weekend Nikki felt a lot more confident around me, and started to get even braver at school, seeking me out whenever she felt like it, one day we ended up sitting on one of the benches together, in front of everyone, I didn’t mind but people soon started to judge me, confirming my fears, some of my female friends would say things like, “Are you dating Nikki?”; “What the hell are you doing with that Nikki, she’s a skank.” I denied it every time, lying about seeing her and saying that we were just friends.
People were starting to talk & realize, even my mother eventually found out about Nikki and told me to be careful because she knew Nikki was a “fast” girl. I wondered if the people who also said similar things to me were really looking out for me or if they were jealous? – I couldn’t tell.
Since Nikki had the ‘skank’ label, I knew I had to keep the affair as vague as possible, I had been aware of this since that day I asked for her number, sometimes having to be cruel making Nikki feel invisible. Although she could see me at a distance at school, that distance was through my disguise, it held the gap between my heart and the rapture of her affection a young girl’s growing love for a boy.
I was starting to really like Nikki.
My rendezvous with Nikki were starting to become more public, like at the inter-schools hockey tournament, I couldn’t even hold her hand because of all the people who knew me there, I sat down with Nikki under the trees and I interrogated her with probing questions about sex, past relationships and if she did sleep with her last boyfriend like everyone said she did. I was really just trying to negate her skankiness (what everyone had been telling me about her)
Obviously we ended up making out later away from everyone, as we returned to our friends, she had to go home, but her friend Tracy didn’t and she had something interesting to tell me. She told me about how it was actually her sms’ing me back the other night from Nikki’s phone, while Nikki was busy. – I wondered why Tracy felt she needed to tell me that. Was it because of jealousy? Was she looking out for me, as a friend or did she want to sabotage my relationship? – I couldn’t tell.
The day I fell in love..
My next rendezvous with Nikki, was a Friday I’ll never forget
After school was out, my mother was late to pick me up, and Nikki’s father was late too, we were practically the last one’s left in the school parking lot. Nikki invited me to come and watch movies with her later, I wasn’t sure and said I’d let her know later. What was unforgettable was the moment when we said goodbye, she stood on her tip toes and kissed me and that was the moment that I started to fall for Nikki- that kiss. It was pure and unmotivated by sex or the need to impress anyone.
It was just because. It’s what heaven feels like. I was starting to realize that, like the event at my house, Nikki and I could do stuff together without anyone finding out. It was the only way a real relationship could exist where I could be myself, without others, without labels and without pretense and I wanted to try and show her that. I don’t think she realized how much anxiety this whole game was causing me, how hard it actually was, not to show how much I wanted to be with her, maybe there was someway we could get around this reputation thing and be together without the pressure.
I was having conflicting feelings the warm “maybe we could work” vs. “Win the bet and you can have your first lay and keep your reputation.”
The last day of 1st term soon arrived, Nikki had been telling me things like; how she just wanted to throw me up against the school lockers and kiss me & how she was going to blow me away. The day before the school broke up for holidays, I got invited to her house along with all her friends from her grade, which made things abit awkward, as they were all chilling in the lounge, but I had brought two of my friends myself, they were my “wingmen” while I was with Nikki.
Nikki took my hand and led me into her room. Sitting on her double bed, with a seductive voice Nikki says, “It’s your turn to get naked this time.” So I got naked and slide up next to her on the bed, we started talking and she soon got naked aswell, then I asked if she wanted have sex and she nodded..
With all my inexperience, I couldn’t have tried harder to make things awkward as I fumbled my words, trying to tell her I was about to lose my virginity to her, she actually had to tell me to shut-up so as not ruin the mood any further. I remember her face best and how I brushed her long blonde hair out it as I was on top, It was the best day of my life. Afterwards I felt like a king, like ‘the man’! – I had won my challenge and as we left Nikki’s house, I couldn’t help telling my friends the truth when they asked if I had scored – Any guy who’s just gotten laid, cannot hide his pride, it’s impossible to do.
My holiday started the next day as I left Satan’s Dustbin and Nikki phoned me, her tone was different and she now called me the ‘love of her life’ I couldn’t say the same, but it didn’t seem to matter to her anyway she was in love. And I, I was trying to find a way to stop myself from getting too deep into this, but I had never felt like this before.
Watching love die..
On holiday we were at different coast lines and we’d sms to and fro but one night I decided to phone her instead, telling her how much I liked her, before I ended the conversation. I cried alone in the dark silence of the night thinking about what I had to do after I had ended that conversation.
That night was the night that I had to make a difficult choice: follow my heart and be with her, forsaking my reputation and the safety of my mask- or be very cruel cut thingws off and have nothing more to do with Nikki, but getting to keep my reputation intact, and feeling like a legend for sleeping with a skank without anybody finding out, a very hard trick to pull off at our small school.
I had let things get too far, even though it had only been a week since I’d slept with Nikki, I had never felt that before or been loved and now I had to somehow think of a way of letting this all go - or did I? I thought I was starting to get soft and it frightened me. I cried myself to sleep on my bed at the holiday house, imaging letting go of this all.
I let this conflict of indecision eat away at my resolves slowly, stuck between the difficult choice of love or pride, I couldn’t have both, and at the same time having one without the other would feel hollow.
If I was never to see her again, everything would be fine, our relationship could be labeled a stretched out one-night stand right? easy to box, easy to throw away without sticky feelings staying behind and I could move on, I’d already won the bet and there was nothing left to prove. I’d get over it soon enough is what I hoped.
I don’t think I want to be with you.
Returning to school again I didn’t let Nikki know we were done instead I just relaxed with my friends, seeing Nikki mostly when her group of friends mingled with mine at breaktime at school. Nikki acted kinda “clingly” towards me and she soon asked me why I don’t talk to her much during break anymore, I used ‘I’m catching up with my friends’ as an excuse.
That weekend there was a festival in our town, at the street parade I met up with Nikki and that night I acted quite differently to the way I did at school, she noticed and commented on it. How I wasn’t afraid to kiss her in public now. I wish I could explain to her that this is how the Sebastian masquerade worked. We ended up going to a secluded spot to be alone, away from the crowd. Sitting together, under the moonlit sky, she told me I was her world. I didn’t want to go too deep into it, playing it cool, I boldly asked for a blowjob and she refused, I then insisted, threatening to find a girl at the party I was going to later. She didn’t budge and rebutted me by saying, “why don’t you just have a wank then.”
Her phone rang to remind her of her curfew, as she had to leave, I apologized and she didn’t even fuss – as if testament to how well she understood me – but she didn’t understand what was really going on in my head: I was trying to milk what was possibly my last opportunities with her.
A week went by and Nikki was really starting to act like my girlfriend at school, it made me so anxious and I felt like things were getting out of control, by control I mean I felt like I didn’t have the reigns anymore, and I wanted them back(and at the same time wanted to get closer to her).
Lately I had wanted to see how far I could get by not getting emotionally involved, I wanted to sleep with her again one last time, that was for sure and I hoped it would materialize, but not without getting emotionally involved with her, I couldn’t pull it off, I knew it, and the truth was I was just deluding myself, I was actually in love.
Things were all coming to a head, and the day came, not long after we got back to school, that I had to have “the talk” with Nikki. It happened at break time.
Rudboy41: I don’t think I want to be with you, this isn’t working for me
Nikki: O.k, so that’s it then? so are we at least going to be friends?
Rudboy41: I guess so, I don’t think we’re working out and I thought it best to be honest with you and tell you face to face.
Nikki: What am I supposed to do with these feelings?
Rudboy41: Like I said we can still be friends
Nikki: I guess, we’ll just be friends then, friends who’ve f**cked
I left Nikki and my chances of real emotional connection and turned to face my sebastian mask and the road it was to led me down.
41-45, M