i feel so awful but i have to carry on

everything just means more to me. i think about how all the people who aren’t here anymore and it makes me so sad. some days it feels so crippling, i just wonder if i’ll ever see them or speak to them again. they meant so much to me and now i barely can remember them. so much time has passed and we’re probably not the same people anymore. but i just feel a certain pull to them and i have a soft spot for each person. except my first ex and a couple of flings after that. my first ex was just a crisis of my life, i didn’t love him nor did i have a real connection with him. the last two guys that i felt a strong connection with were really sincere. i wonder if i even loved the one i was stuck on for two years. in my mind, i don’t think i could love someone who made me feel so sad all the time. it wasn’t always his fault, i just think someone who loved me would’ve known how to bring me comfort and would’ve done anything; like i did for him. i didn’t know this other guy for too long, it was literally 9 days we’d known each other but i felt more connected with him than i have anybody else in my life. he knew more about me, literally everything. i’m not exaggerating, he knew all the ugly and still saw me for who i was. that’s the kind of person he is, i could tell he just granted that kind of grace because he’s genuinely a good person. i think i deserve someone like that. but i guess it’s just not supposed to be him, or else he’d be here. i wonder if he’s even given me any thought since then. it’s almost been 2 months since we’ve last spoken. it took a couple of weeks to shake his absence, he was only here two days. it sounds so stupid, i’ve talked to this man for a total of 9 days yet i think about him so much. anyways, i always just think something is wrong with me. i love love. i want to be in love. all these attempts at having it just always put me back into the same place. i’m tired of longing.