Emotional estrangement from parents
[media=https://youtu.be/SgxW9SfhB5U]
This was an Interesting video. Especially when she mentioned the “emotional estrangement.” I still have a relationship with both of my parents and my stepdad. But none of those relationships are intimate. I grew up as an only child of my single mom. I think that’s one of the biggest issues. It’s not so much that she was “authoritarian.” It’s more like she was overly involved in every aspect of my life. She was involved in the PTA at school. She went to all my band concerts, chorus concerts, and was friends with all the teachers. Privacy was not a thing in my life. She wasn’t abusive, wasn’t harsh…quite the opposite. She treated me like a baby and still sometimes does to a certain extent, although things got a lot better once I finally moved out. She was also a worry wort.
“Mom, I’m going out with Patrick.”
“Oh okay…let me call his mom first to make sure you’re home by 8. I don’t want you to get run over by a car!”
Me: *sneezes*
Mom: I need to get you to the doctor! You might have the flu!
When all my friends had cars in high school, she still drove me to school every day. Not because she couldn’t afford to give me a car, but because “you’re too young to be driving,” even my senior year.
Safety above everything, and at the expense of everything, including psychological growth, physical exercise, etc.
“We’re playing dodgeball in PE class tomorrow!”
“Oh no, you should skip PE! You might break a bone!”
Then there’s my dad. He’s not a worry wort like my mom. But I still saw him every few months. He was easier to open up to because he didn’t worry like my mom. BUT…the problem with him is that whenever I told him ANYTHING…he would tell my mom.
Dad: “What did you do today at school?”
Me: “I rode in my friend Patrick’s car! He just started driving!”
Dad: “That’s great! I bet it was fun.”
Then a couple days later…
Mom: You really shouldn’t be riding with Patrick. He’s only 16!
Me: HOW DID YOU KNOW PATRICK HAS A CAR??
Mom: Your dad told me.
So yeah, my dad had no sense of privacy either. And what’s worse…I’m in my 30s and he still does the same thing! 😣 He called to ask if I could fly down and visit soon. I said I’d have to check and see if I have enough PTO at work. Then before I had the chance to check, my mom called and said, “Do you have enough PTO to go see your dad?”
Seriously, my dad told my mom that he had asked me to come see him, even before we had made any plans. Why can’t he just keep our private conversations…well, private? My mom is his ex-wife, not his wife, and certainly not his therapist. If he wanted her to know everything, he shouldn’t have divorced her when I was 3.
So yeah, I don’t tell my mom anything because I know she’ll find a reason to worry, and I don’t tell my dad anything because I know he’ll tell my mom what I told him, and then she’ll worry. I’m 35, BTW.
I just wish I could tell my mom or dad something like, “Hey, I had a burger for dinner,” and then they respond, “Cool, sounds good.” And that’s it. End of conversation. Nobody gets offended, nobody tells taddle-tales, the conversation just ends and that’s that.
This is why I’ve emotionally estranged myself from my parents. They’re far from abusive, and I still love them and spend time with them. Not as much time as they’d like…I have to have lots of mental energy to spend a long time with them. They need to tell me a week before that they want to spend time with me so that I can work up some energy and plan for it.
This was an Interesting video. Especially when she mentioned the “emotional estrangement.” I still have a relationship with both of my parents and my stepdad. But none of those relationships are intimate. I grew up as an only child of my single mom. I think that’s one of the biggest issues. It’s not so much that she was “authoritarian.” It’s more like she was overly involved in every aspect of my life. She was involved in the PTA at school. She went to all my band concerts, chorus concerts, and was friends with all the teachers. Privacy was not a thing in my life. She wasn’t abusive, wasn’t harsh…quite the opposite. She treated me like a baby and still sometimes does to a certain extent, although things got a lot better once I finally moved out. She was also a worry wort.
“Mom, I’m going out with Patrick.”
“Oh okay…let me call his mom first to make sure you’re home by 8. I don’t want you to get run over by a car!”
Me: *sneezes*
Mom: I need to get you to the doctor! You might have the flu!
When all my friends had cars in high school, she still drove me to school every day. Not because she couldn’t afford to give me a car, but because “you’re too young to be driving,” even my senior year.
Safety above everything, and at the expense of everything, including psychological growth, physical exercise, etc.
“We’re playing dodgeball in PE class tomorrow!”
“Oh no, you should skip PE! You might break a bone!”
Then there’s my dad. He’s not a worry wort like my mom. But I still saw him every few months. He was easier to open up to because he didn’t worry like my mom. BUT…the problem with him is that whenever I told him ANYTHING…he would tell my mom.
Dad: “What did you do today at school?”
Me: “I rode in my friend Patrick’s car! He just started driving!”
Dad: “That’s great! I bet it was fun.”
Then a couple days later…
Mom: You really shouldn’t be riding with Patrick. He’s only 16!
Me: HOW DID YOU KNOW PATRICK HAS A CAR??
Mom: Your dad told me.
So yeah, my dad had no sense of privacy either. And what’s worse…I’m in my 30s and he still does the same thing! 😣 He called to ask if I could fly down and visit soon. I said I’d have to check and see if I have enough PTO at work. Then before I had the chance to check, my mom called and said, “Do you have enough PTO to go see your dad?”
Seriously, my dad told my mom that he had asked me to come see him, even before we had made any plans. Why can’t he just keep our private conversations…well, private? My mom is his ex-wife, not his wife, and certainly not his therapist. If he wanted her to know everything, he shouldn’t have divorced her when I was 3.
So yeah, I don’t tell my mom anything because I know she’ll find a reason to worry, and I don’t tell my dad anything because I know he’ll tell my mom what I told him, and then she’ll worry. I’m 35, BTW.
I just wish I could tell my mom or dad something like, “Hey, I had a burger for dinner,” and then they respond, “Cool, sounds good.” And that’s it. End of conversation. Nobody gets offended, nobody tells taddle-tales, the conversation just ends and that’s that.
This is why I’ve emotionally estranged myself from my parents. They’re far from abusive, and I still love them and spend time with them. Not as much time as they’d like…I have to have lots of mental energy to spend a long time with them. They need to tell me a week before that they want to spend time with me so that I can work up some energy and plan for it.
31-35, M
