That girl was far from happy (TW: eating disorder).
I've been listening to "15" on repeat and looking at old pictures.. It's first of all hard to understand that I looked myself in the mirror and felt like I was obese in 2013 (these pics are from 2013).
But also, 2012/2013 was probably two of the worst years for me..
This was after my dads funeral. I fixed everything myself, held a speech, and then told other people I was sorry for their loss. Went to dinner with everyone, made big promises about keeping in contact with my dads side of the family (and never got an invite to anything since). And then when I got home and it was quiet I broke down, only for my bf at the time to tell me to stop crying over it. I starved myself hoping I would just fade, but eventually had to eat because I realized I needed to live for other people and my future self, even tho I struggled a lot.
2012 was the year everyone realized how sick I was, and I was forced into therapy. My therapist tried to save me as much as she could, and even told me straight out that I was really sick and needed help (because of ed). She almost gave up on me because I never showed up, but then after my dad passed in 2013, she wanted to keep trying. She finally had to "give up" on me in beginning of 2014, because I maybe met for 5 sessions.. My bf at the time didn't want me to talk to a therapist, or anyone so he often stopped me from going to my appointments. I also used this black dress (my jazz dance show dress) as a way to measure if I had lost or gained weight, because I couldn't trust what I saw in the mirror.
This was maybe 2 weeks after my dad passed, on vacation with my bf at the time. I was so annoyed with people telling me to get help or that I needed to eat or whatever, but I get it.. When my dad found out he told me to "stop that shit, cause I'm not gonna have a daughter dying from anorexia", typical dad 馃ス
This song came out yesterday, and it almost feels like I could've written it myself. Except I dropped out at 16, in and out of doctors offices and different therapists, but nobody knew how sick I was until I was 19.
If anyone is interested in the song: [media=https://youtu.be/vyoai2pbRIE]
I struggled with similar once my ex-fiance (fiance at the time) kept talking about how beautiful and pretty i was when I was pretty much emaciated due to my lack of eating from fear of upsetting my dad. So even though didnt have ED as the reason for getting super skinny someone saying THAT was healthy and made me look amazing...messed up my perception of what was healthy because I trusted them more than myself.
It sounds like your bf at the time also added greatly to the poor perception and ability to heal past it. I am glad to see you are aware of the unhealthyness even if its slightly and it sounds like continuously trying to move forward to a healthier relationship with your body.
Best of luck and i hope you continue to succeed daily with improving.
