Torn in a million pieces

After exploring in the van for nearly a year and experiencing different areas, there’s a million places I’d rather be than Delaware. I hate it here. Bad. But my son gets upset when we talk about leaving. Thing is, there’s nothing for either of us here. He wants to stay because he “likes it”, but we can’t even do anything. There’s nothing to do for kids. It’s a retirement community for the wealthy. It’s disgusting. Crowded. Polluted and angry.

I’ve been struggling big time since we’ve been back. It’s not surprising either. I could sell out and go anytime. I’ve done it before. I’m just holding out for my son. I want to be fair to him, but also, if we stay here I will never be the slightest bit happy. I’ll definitely die miserable and alone. There’s zero chance for growth here.

I hate to be a jerk, but I know we can’t stay. I don’t want to hurt him, but it’ll hurt worse if we continue here. I am on a path of self destruction, I can’t believe how shitty I’ve felt since we’ve been back.

I don’t want my son to feel like he doesn’t have a choice, but if we stay, I’m going to hurt myself. He doesn’t stand a chance here either. I’m just gonna have to be the asshole and choose for both of us and do the best I can.

My mental state hasn’t been this bad in a long time. I can’t live in this normie trap.