I can still feel his weight on me..

So I’ve had my therapist (second one) for 9 months and I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with her, but not enough to talk about my flashbacks from the rapes I’ve been thru..

Now I’m getting a new therapist so I’m nervous 🥹

I want to get it off my chest, but every time o thought I was ready I couldn’t form the words to say it or express what I was feeling. I couldn’t say that I sometimes wake up feeling like he’s on top of me, or that I sometimes get flashbacks or feel like I can’t breath..

I feel like I’m being held down and that I’m stuck, and I’m scared to speak up about it. The words won’t leave my mouth, and my brain is so chaotic that I don’t even know how to begin.

I’ve blamed myself so many times, I’ve tried to be “ok” with it, tried to fool myself into thinking that they didn’t rape me so that I can move on.. Nothing is working.

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GoingDownEight · M

May I suggest making a journal. Write down what happened as best you remember. Take that and let the therapist read it. Then you can talk about it once they have the details.
This is the only thing that worked for me. Having that for myself to read over and over helped me admit it was real. And gave the therapist a chance to help me by knowing the facts as well.

SW-User

@GoingDownEight I’ve tried doing that, but it made me feel so uncomfortable I couldn’t finish.. But I can try again 🥹

GoingDownEight · M

@SW-User It did take a while to get it all down. But I eventually did.. and I am so glad. It was the big step I needed to make her understand what happened.

aboveaverageaveragejoe · 51-55, M

@SW-User print out some stuff you've said about it here. It's already written.

TexChik · F

I wrote it down because my mind wasn't letting me talk about it, my psychiatrist read it (I was 13) out loud to me and I cried and then I could talk about it. Felt like a huge weight was lifted

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TexChik · F

@SW-User Oh I'm fine sweetie. It's you that are stuck. Its time you got past this. Nothing will ever change that it happened. But like a water droplet from a faucet going into the sink, its gone now. That can never happen or harm you again. Your mind is just locked on that moment. Perhaps writing it, hearing your words from your therapist will pick the lock and allow your pent up pain to be released and you can start to heal.

SW-User

@TexChik I hope so, thank you

TexChik · F

@SW-User Type it, you will never be able to hand write that crap. The mind is very stubborn.

Freetime · 56-60, M

I'm sorry about everything you're going through.

itsok · 31-35, F

I’m sorry, Cassie. I understand.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I am really sorry Cassie. I was 8 and I didn’t know what happened to me.

I hate that you go through this.

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