My thought processes when it happened
TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD SEX ABUSE
I’m going to get a tiny bit graphic here, so please do not read if this sort of thing gets to you.
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One thing I’ve never really talked about publicly is just what would go through my mind before I found ways to cope with my molestation. For this, I’ll just go from the very first time it happened. It first started one night when she was trying to console me when I was missing my mom, who was working really late that night. She started making her advances on me by touching me inappropriately. The moment that started, I was feeling confused. I knew she was trying to console me, but I also knew the ways she was touching me just couldn’t have been okay.
Then she started undressing me and it happened for the first time. In my mind, things quickly became really not okay. I had no true understanding of what was going on, obviously. How could I at 8 years old? But I just somehow knew it was wrong. I call it instinct. Despite knowing it was wrong, I also didn’t know what to do about it because I had no concept of what was happening. Like many children do when enduring this, all I could do was freeze.
Another thing was, like I explained before, I really cared for this lady like a big sister. She was always really good to me whenever she wasn’t molesting me and continued to be so even after the first time. It just made it all the more confusing as to why this person who, in my mind at the time, was so great yet doing something so wrong? Does she not care for me as much as she says? It was just so overwhelming.
Then when it was finally over with, I just bawled my eyes out for the longest time. Again, she was all consoling me and I leaned into her. Even though she had just violated me, I needed someone to cry on. Once I was finished crying, I still didn’t feel right. I know now that I was in a state of traumatic shock, but at the time, I just felt like I was broken or something. I suppose I was since I had just been irreparably damaged.
She put me to bed after and I was just did what she said. I couldn’t really do much else. She was talking to me after and one of the things she said was “sorry if I scared you” or something like that. Sorry IF she did, huh? I somehow managed to sleep that night, probably because I was too emotionally drained. But it would happen again a night or two later and soon it became the norm.
My thought processes were pretty much the same as that first time. Unless I was finding ways to cope with it, like the anchoring I had talked about in a previous entry. But that’s basically how it went inside of my head. I would just freeze once she started with the advances and be thrown into this big mental storm. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of comprehension when it was happening was more traumatic than the things she was doing to me.
I’m going to get a tiny bit graphic here, so please do not read if this sort of thing gets to you.
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..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
..................................................
One thing I’ve never really talked about publicly is just what would go through my mind before I found ways to cope with my molestation. For this, I’ll just go from the very first time it happened. It first started one night when she was trying to console me when I was missing my mom, who was working really late that night. She started making her advances on me by touching me inappropriately. The moment that started, I was feeling confused. I knew she was trying to console me, but I also knew the ways she was touching me just couldn’t have been okay.
Then she started undressing me and it happened for the first time. In my mind, things quickly became really not okay. I had no true understanding of what was going on, obviously. How could I at 8 years old? But I just somehow knew it was wrong. I call it instinct. Despite knowing it was wrong, I also didn’t know what to do about it because I had no concept of what was happening. Like many children do when enduring this, all I could do was freeze.
Another thing was, like I explained before, I really cared for this lady like a big sister. She was always really good to me whenever she wasn’t molesting me and continued to be so even after the first time. It just made it all the more confusing as to why this person who, in my mind at the time, was so great yet doing something so wrong? Does she not care for me as much as she says? It was just so overwhelming.
Then when it was finally over with, I just bawled my eyes out for the longest time. Again, she was all consoling me and I leaned into her. Even though she had just violated me, I needed someone to cry on. Once I was finished crying, I still didn’t feel right. I know now that I was in a state of traumatic shock, but at the time, I just felt like I was broken or something. I suppose I was since I had just been irreparably damaged.
She put me to bed after and I was just did what she said. I couldn’t really do much else. She was talking to me after and one of the things she said was “sorry if I scared you” or something like that. Sorry IF she did, huh? I somehow managed to sleep that night, probably because I was too emotionally drained. But it would happen again a night or two later and soon it became the norm.
My thought processes were pretty much the same as that first time. Unless I was finding ways to cope with it, like the anchoring I had talked about in a previous entry. But that’s basically how it went inside of my head. I would just freeze once she started with the advances and be thrown into this big mental storm. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of comprehension when it was happening was more traumatic than the things she was doing to me.
