Coming to terms with Marital Rape

My husband raped me from around 24/25 to 29. After 29, he wouldn't touch me and touched women that he preferred.

I was so incredibly confused during this time. I would crave sex and cuddles. I would come onto him. He got angry. He'd reject me and then he'd rape me and then I'd feel guilty for having sexual urges. No matter how much I'd tell him no, that it hurts, to stop, he wouldn't. He'd just tell me its not rape, that I was just to sensitive to have sex with a real black man. It hurt like hell. Like being stabbed with a knife.

I do not think of my husband sexually anymore. Him touching my hand makes me feel so repulsed. Now that i am starting the divorce slowly, I am coming to terms with the sexual abuse, the verbal abuse, the financial abuse.

Unraveling the mess in my head is a bit crazy right now.

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novaguy2u · 70-79, M

There is much here unsaid, things that might explain his attitude to you. However, those unwritten details are things that would reflect on him, not you, because it is obvious from what you wrote that you are a warm and loving person that sought bodily contact and affection.
Without going on at greater length, and I could, I think that you have made the right condition in choosing to move on and make a new life. The break will be complex and messy, but ultimately worth it, I am sure.