Suffucation idealization

In the sources i choose i demand it to have an ability to suffocate. If it was pure and undiluted and taken all at once would be lethal. Small portions alter your worldview. Treasure i name it, the insane lengths of the wrong at work, woven into the very fundamental structure of the way things are, to see the what is as overwhelmingly disgusting. I increase my dosage carefully, increasing immunity not to forget what an asininely stupid mess it all is, but to crawl on the ground strewn in disease and death to insert more and more of the unthinkable, to me at least, and pursue it like that which has haunted me since childhood. Air is only reason to get closer to the realm where no mortal could breathe.