I Suffer From Anxiety and Panic Attacks

There is no point in exhausting yourself with emotions. Cut the strings. Love your family? Still got to cut the strings. You cannot keep absorbing everyone's toxicity just because you love them.
I just remembered that time I totally freaked out and acted strange in public because of a nervous breakdown I had when someone very close to me tried to end their life. I was hyperventilating at the hospital and thrusting the suction tube down their throat every few minutes and fighting off the nurse, the doctor, and my parents. I looked pathetic. The doctor just gave me a strange look like "you dramatizing this too much" and left. And yes now when I look back I ask myself "why did you even care? What's the point in panicking over something that's not in your control? Yes maybe they would have died that day. But your wild mindlessness would not have saved them. And so what? We're all gonna die one day. Don't want people freaking out over my dead body." I had acted so weird the entire night at the bedside. I hate myself. I have no control over my emotions. I need to let go of everything. Expectations, love, duty by blood, empathy...yes. Especially empathy. I must let go of it all.
I can cry over losing my mind that night a million times but it won't make tomorrow better. I can't panic. There's no point.
I shall try to reprogram myself. I shall try to change the wiring of my brain.