I Have Social Anxiety And Its Made Me Lonely

[big]Still looking for a way out[/big]

I can't say I am proud of my progress, but I am continuing to advance past what I thought was possible or of what I was capable. I more easily engage in conversations (like a "normal" person), it's not that hard; it's mostly enjoyable, and I feel like [i]maybe[/i] I am not as worthless as I often claim to myself.

Most of my social activity takes place at the gym where I (obsessively) work out - although I mostly remain on the skinny ("flat-Stanley" side, but [u]not[/u] without progress). There are more and more people who I acknowledge and who acknowledge me. There are some who stop to talk to me and I have learned that reciprocating by sometimes initiating conversations with them without fearing I am being a burden goes a long and lasting way. There are a few people who I am convinced go out of their way to avoid me and like an immature 3rd grader I do the same. With one person, there seems to be an extreme mutually directed silent hostility that has been going on for several years that I simply cannot figure out. We called a brief truce about a year ago, but quickly went back to avoiding each other in an overly-dramatic and silent-agreement way. Confidentially, it [u]sometimes[/u] (truth-be-told, often) weighs on me, but neither of us seem willing (or able) to confront the situation that we both obviously are aware is taking place. Personally, I think this person just hard-core hates me.

The thing is... I do have social anxiety and it does make me lonely. But, I am coming to the conclusion I can either perpetually feel sorry for myself in solitude or I can continually push myself out of my prized-and-hated comfort zone of self-imposed solitary confinement without regard to how remedial each step is or how ugly, repulsive, and weird I talk myself into believing I must be.

I won't allow myself to feel victorious because celebrating having simple conversations that will not change the world only elevates the pathetic dead-end tunnel I have chosen for myself. But, each step forward no matter how remedial is further along then where I was in basic goal-setting terms. I don't really see a light ahead of me, but at least for now, in this moment, the darkness doesn't seem so engulfing. I need to keep moving forward, one step at a time and maybe that light will show up at the next turn...