I Am Feeling Left Out
I can recognize and acknowledge that I have been making steady progress in my social development journey. Several months ago, I agonized that I interacted with no one on a social level. I described the experience as being a visible ghost; people saw me, but looked past me. I didn't have the skills to initiate conversation and I lacked the fortitude to sustain any conversation beyond a quick hello the few times a conversation with someone somehow started.
I have since stopped second-guessing my every move and let go of feeling rejected any time someone doesn't seem interested in talking to me. I have had more casual conversations of substance in the last 2 months then I probably have had in my entire life and that is without exaggeration or attention-seeking drama. But, like a greedy politician, now I want more. I want a relationship. I want to be "there" for someone. I want to share myself with someone. I want the "taste" of being with someone. But... there is no one for me. No one seems to see me in that way. Once again, I lack the basic skills to make that happen.
I see how others simply and effortlessly fall into relationships. But, not for me; no relationships come my way. I feel so frustrated at every turn. And, making sure that frustration does not creep into my attitude, my behavior, or my mental state is so exhausting. As I head for home, alone (as I always do), sometimes I feel like crying. Not because of the outcome, but simply out of a growing appreciation that I seem constructed to be solitary.
