I Know Sadness

I am doing good. I have been working a lot at my summer job, have had many shifts. I'm doing well at work, the patients seem to be liking me. I managed to calm down one of the most difficult scizophrenic patients (they told me it was an exceptional feat). I made sure to acknowledged her pain, told her multiple times "the staff is here and we are taking care of you" when she was screaming nonsense and just let her express herself without interrupting. This all did the trick and made her calm and happy (used some of the concepts I learned at my group therapy). When working jobs like this you really learn to look beyond what is explicitly communicated and instead look at the underlying intent of what is beeing said as there is quite a lot of nonsense, screaming, insults and the like to go around on an average shift.
Been gaming a lot of warhammer total war (really long gaming nights) as the dwarfen faction on hard difficulty level. This game is dangerously addictive.

It's nice to hear that you are making progress. Just remember it's a long process that takes time, a lot of time.

With regards to my personal psychology I have been working a lot on these three concepts in my head (been doing it a long time): "Anxiety", "result dependence" and "being able to connect".
Im doing so well with regards to result dependence, it's still hard to let completely go of the "result" and just judge myself on my own work ethics and effort. The door of success and possibilities have expanded the more I can let go of the result. It's like when you "expect" a result, you are just setting yourself up for a dissapointment. I ended up with a B in econ math, but I got so butthurt and dissapointed since I expected an A (given the insane amount of work I had put into the subject). So my behavior the next week was irrationaly depressive and self-defeating even when a B is a super good grade.
In terms of anxiety I have had very little, again it's letting go of the result and believing in myself. I remembered I had so much anxiety when I was 21 and worked as a clerk during a summer job. My coworkers felt I was retarded since every time I had to do something "new" I got filled up with insane amounts of anxiety. Which stiffled my ability to think, act and perform even the simplest tasks. I always had to rely or ask for help, which I believe was because I did not truly believe in my own abilities (stupid assumption which just dragged me down). The tasks in themselves was easy, It was just all the anxiety making them hard. It's only when I "truly believe" in myself that I start "doing something constructive". It's so true what they say in combat sports, "the athlete who stops believing in himself is finnished".
With regards to connecting with people, I have been doing a lot of progress. I think it's three parts which stiffles the ability to connect properly. It's first the dysfunctional feeling that I can't express myself honestly (have been working a lot with this in my therapy group and saying my HONEST opinion online - which has been very good and helpfull.) the second is that I feel I might get entangled in some relationship I can't get out from (rural childhood, previously codependent relationships and poor boundary skills has probably added to this). The third is the belief in the "village troll" who talks trash about me behind my back, monitors all my actions and constantly focuses on, records and judge all my actions for an eternity. (it just helps me so much when I just say to myself that "nobody really gives a shit"). I have been using more eye contact which has helped me a lot and made me better at connecting with the people at work. A relaxed, slightly happy attitude and eye contact has given me some smiles from random people on the streets - old ladies, old men and even some cute girls in their 20's.

I feel like im on the verge of some breaktrough. Like a buddhist monk who is just an arms lenght of meditation away from reaching some higher plateau of enlightenment. An engineer almost figuring out a really hard equation. A scientist on the verge of splitting the atom. That's how I feel. If I could just get a good interaction going with people who smile at me in like a convenient store or the streets, it would be like the cold fusion equivalent of meeting new chicks.

It's always hard with parents. I did not really talk with my mom for years after I first moved out. Had a hard time in high school and the relationship with my mom. I did get a better relationship with my parents after several years when both parties just "learned" to express ourselves honestly. Them to me, and me to them, like there are no "festering toughts or issues". We just say what we feel, it's all ok and we move on (it's very functional). I have even told my mom I hated growing up were we lived, it's sad to say that to your parents... but it's necessary. If they feel like I am overweight, changing jobs to often, or obsessing to much about some exam result. They tell me, it's all ok and we move on quickly. My brother has the opposite interactional style (his relationship with my parents is awfull).

What was so bad about your past that you feel the need to disconnect from it? With regards to the theory that you are punnishing yourself, do you have any unsolved guilt issues perhaps? (perhaps you bullied someone, did not achieve your parents expectations or did not intervene when something bad happened to someone else)

Wow king... it sounds like you are making great progress. That's fantastic! I can relate to that feeling of being "on the verge of a breakthrough" although I have not felt that for an extremely long time. But, your description of it brought back the memory of it for me.

I actually found that eye contact was getting me into trouble because it came off as staring and all I would get was dirty looks. I was probably doing it wrong.

There's nothing really that bad about my past. I talked a little bit about it with the therapist (until I shut down for not explainable reason). It's just that with generally being so unhappy with myself, I am finding I tend to want to distance myself from who I was (i.e., my past)... I guess it's a lame attempt to emerge as a "new and improved" person, if that is even possible. It's not something that I am intently doing; it just seems like I might be. I don't know if I am really punishing myself; it's actually something the therapist and my mother said to me, independent of each other. I really don't know (or think) it is true. I don't know, maybe it is to a degree, but it doesn't really make much sense. I don't really feel guilty about anything... but... well... I mean I resent that I allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking how happy I was being super-independent of human interaction only to recently discover I actually wanted contact all along, but was unnaturally frightened of being rejected. Oh wow... that kind of just came out. I almost want to erase that until I can think about that some more, but I am going to leave it in (and probably regret it later). Then again, maybe this isn't that big of a revelation anyway; I've probably known it all along and may have even said it out loud before. It just feels like it is suddenly crystal clear and could be one source of my sadness (which would be a "real" revelation if that's true).

I feel vulnerable because I seem to be desperate for contact. And, mostly I am trying to regulate that in my interactions. I think I need to aware of my vulnerability, but coming off desperate is only going to sabotage what I am trying to achieve. My main focus is to interact with people honestly and authentically and not be concerned about what they might think of me because to your point, they probably don't give a shit anyway. I guess this all sounds like a big contradiction: "I feel desperate, but I don't want to come across that way." "I want to be authentic, but I am acting as though I am not desperate." But, I think it's really about learning how to make interactions work when in the past, I have always been the cause of them failing. For once, I am starting to feel like maybe I am not really deficient; it's just that I have not known how to act appropriately because no one in my life ever really cared to guide me or cared enough to realize I needed that kind of guidance. I don't know... maybe that's a deficiency in and of itself. I know I am all over the place here. I need to sort all these feelings out; I usually don't do well in expressing my feelings at all.

By the way, I am not or never was a bully. Nothing I ever did seemed to fully meet my parents' expectations, but lately I have been wondering if they even had any expectations for me. But, I am no longer want to be a hostage to any injustices in my past (whether they are real or imagined). I am focused on my goals, forward - regardless of the outcome! YEAH!!! [<-- me, not being docile]

Congrats on econ math; a B is impressive! And, that's great that you were able to help your patient. You do have a real gift in terms of being understanding, mindful, and encouraging while lighting a dark path forward.

king!!!! I am really happy to hear from you. I've been trying to practice your advice... just put myself "out there" without so much pre-digested anxiety over what the outcome will be and instead just let the outcome be the outcome and enjoy the experience before moving on. It's been hard to do, but it's been mostly good. I do still agonize over things though and how I "wished" the outcome would turn out. I am getting better at not reacting (well at least not OVER-reacting) when I don't like how things turn out. And, trying not to come across as so docile (I'm not, really). I am interacting more with people and generally feeling better about things. I'm still a pretty solitary soul though and no longer enamored with that image of myself, but still not able to alter it. It's still a struggle...

Thanks for your comments about my story. It was actually a visit with my Mom. After I moved out on my own, my relationship with my parents have kind of deteriorated. I think in part, I may be trying to disconnect from my past; in part it's my feeling of disconnection with practically everyone. And, then there is the "theory" that I am attempting to force people away as a form of self-punishment although why I would do that when I want interaction is currently beyond my comprehension. I'm contemplating if that theory is even relevant...

How are you? What have you been up to?

Hey buddy!

I like the story, it brutally captures the moment of pain and sadness. Sounds like an encounter you wished would have been something else. It sounded like you were stiffled, distant and burning of emotional energy with the wrong focus.

Was the story about a visit to your grandmother?

How you been doing lately?