I Miss The Way Things Used To Be
An old friend and I went out for drinks and food. We talked about so much. Past, present, and future. I remember her looking at me and being concerned because I looked, "so sad."
This is a whole new chapter of my life, centered around family and marriage.
I am sad for the things that have passed. I miss the people that I used to call friends, that abandoned me in my darkest hour, and I miss my childhood. It seems the light and laughter, the mysteries and magic of living have slipped away. It's a chapter closed with deep struggles and crisis, and the new chapter begins like waking from a dream. All the memories I hold dear are fleeting. They seem to have occurred a thousand years ago in another life.
My husband is finally getting treatment for addiction, and there is only us and our children as everyone else walked away, or we walked away from them.
It is too quiet at night as my children sleep and my husband is at work overnights. I feel incredibly lonely and lost although I know that is not true.
It is unrealistic to think I can do everything I expect of myself along with what others expect of me. My children are the light of my world, and I worry I do not spend enough time with them because of work and finishing school. I don't want to miss their childhood. Time feels like it moves faster the older I get. I dislike the feeling that time is being wasted and there is more to life than I can grasp right now. I dislike the feeling that there is not enough of me to go around. Keeping up with relatives, being a smart student, a devoted employee, an amazing mother and wife. I wish I could rewind and do some things differently.
But... if I had, would I have gained the same strengths? Would mistakes just be delayed further down the road? Would I be happier? Taking a trip down memory lane is painful and bittersweet. It reminds me to hold onto what I have here and now, to pause, practice patience and self compassion, and to hug my loved ones a little tighter.
What I miss most of all in my journey of life so far is not feeling lonely in a world of billions of people- not feeling light years away from someone sleeping right next to you.
This is a whole new chapter of my life, centered around family and marriage.
I am sad for the things that have passed. I miss the people that I used to call friends, that abandoned me in my darkest hour, and I miss my childhood. It seems the light and laughter, the mysteries and magic of living have slipped away. It's a chapter closed with deep struggles and crisis, and the new chapter begins like waking from a dream. All the memories I hold dear are fleeting. They seem to have occurred a thousand years ago in another life.
My husband is finally getting treatment for addiction, and there is only us and our children as everyone else walked away, or we walked away from them.
It is too quiet at night as my children sleep and my husband is at work overnights. I feel incredibly lonely and lost although I know that is not true.
It is unrealistic to think I can do everything I expect of myself along with what others expect of me. My children are the light of my world, and I worry I do not spend enough time with them because of work and finishing school. I don't want to miss their childhood. Time feels like it moves faster the older I get. I dislike the feeling that time is being wasted and there is more to life than I can grasp right now. I dislike the feeling that there is not enough of me to go around. Keeping up with relatives, being a smart student, a devoted employee, an amazing mother and wife. I wish I could rewind and do some things differently.
But... if I had, would I have gained the same strengths? Would mistakes just be delayed further down the road? Would I be happier? Taking a trip down memory lane is painful and bittersweet. It reminds me to hold onto what I have here and now, to pause, practice patience and self compassion, and to hug my loved ones a little tighter.
What I miss most of all in my journey of life so far is not feeling lonely in a world of billions of people- not feeling light years away from someone sleeping right next to you.
31-35, F
