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I Hate Feeling Empty

[c=#BF0000][u]I Crash And Burn For No Reason[/u][/c]


From a personal development perspective as it relates to interaction, I am making progress. There are people at the gym (yes, I know everything social for me seems to revolve around the gym) with whom I have regular conversations, who purposely say hello to me, and who I want to genuinely speak with and do, even initiating the conversation from time-to-time with no hesitation or apprehension. That's great progress! But... when it comes to asking myself that dreaded therapist question, "how do you feel," I guess I don't feel very successful or on a path that is leading me to a productively happy outcome. The thing is, the people I seem to want to connect with the most, don't relate to me or they find me repulsive, or they simply dismiss me, or more troubling, they emphatically block me from their visual radar altogether. I get that I can't and won't be liked by everyone and that I neither need that to feel validated or should expect that to be realistic or practical. I acknowledge that the way "those people" treat me is not that far removed from how I treat others who I don't feel compelled to interact with. In fact, it's a normal (although not necessarily nice) part of human interaction; we simply don't want to interact with everyone who cross our path.

In the past I never bothered to reconcile my feelings; I simply ignored them, not realizing I was really repressing them. Now, I reflect on them, assess, and calibrate them against how I want to feel or think I should feel. Perhaps I have gone from one extreme (repression) to another (over-analyzing). I value feedback I have received (some of it here) to stop obsessing on [b]the outcome[/b]. I am [i]trying[/i] not to. I used to claim I was happy being alone in a sanctuary of isolation. Now, I feel like I am crashing and burning...

 
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