I Need More Positive Social Interactions
I can't deny that I have been making slow and steady progress in building more positive social interaction. It's been hard, but it's been enjoyable. I am able to engage in conversations, even initiate some of them. I don't always know what to say, but somehow I find something without needing to rehearse. I am less apprehensive when someone doesn't want to talk to me. Instead, I just move on. Critically speaking, my progress is remedial at best, but socially, I [u]am[/u] remedial. I am not starting out with much experience.
It's painful to see myself struggle to have simple conversations and apply fundamental social skills of the type most people learn in kindergarten. It's humiliating in a way to realize I just didn't seem to learn and practice those skills when I should have. The kind way to put it in perspective is that I was super-shy with a low tolerance for rejection and a high amount of fear I would be rejected. And, so I simply retreated and no one really guided me to act otherwise. I guess no one noticed (or cared to notice) or thought I was worth it. And, it's taken me this long to attempt to alter what still seems to be my destiny: social isolation. The thing is, I am challenging that long held view I have of myself, that I am somehow destined to be undeniably solitary. Certainly, I still am, right now. Except for these superficial interactions I have been having, I remain completely closed off from others. I have no friends (mathematically, zero); I have never had any friends (mathematically, zero). In real-world terms, I have no one I can confide in or anyone who would even be interested in having me confide in them. I am an outsider and an outcast as I have always been.
As I go through a self-discovery exercise, I am experiencing repressed feelings from long ago that I pushed away so as not to trip my emotions. It was an elaborate scheme to avoid becoming overwhelmed with feelings I just couldn't seem to handle. It seems tragic to admit it... to have to admit it... but somewhat revealing as to why I probably feel empty and blank today. By preserving my emotions, I stopped feeling anything. And, now as I let myself feel the emotional pains from my childhood it seems tragic (to me) because it is the child that wants to hear he is not so bad and everything is going to be okay. But, all I can do is cry as an adult.
Maybe, I can keep making progress interacting with others. Maybe, I am not so bad. Maybe, everything is going to be okay.
