I This Is For You

Does anyone who may know what I'm going through feel guilty for caring about me because I'm suffering from dementia which makes me idiotic and worthless? However no one knows that I'm suffering dementia...

Isn't it a waste of time to care for me? I haven't any skill or talent...I'm like the walking dead. I'm a waste...I should've been in a black bag all cut up and bound for the dump.

I hope I build up enough courage to commit suicide. I would like to throw myself before a New York City Subway train and get crushed to death. My 40th birthday will be the day...I want to make sure I'm thin enough so I could do it at rush hour. I want the train of hundreds of people to run me over...I want people to know that I'm sorry for being me, ugly, uneducated and misdiagnosed with mental illness...which my Indian Foster Mother from India, her two Caucasian boyfriends, and one of their entire families inflicted upon me by drugging me and impregnating me. No one will truly love me if I'm ugly, fat, uneducated, and unknowingly mentally misdiagnosed.

I'm a sore loser and I should be blasted to pieces. I hope everyone hears and feels my body explode under the train. I just don't want for anyone to get hurt.

I figured that if I don't commit suicide on my 40th birthday, I will commit suicide 3 or 4 months after my birthday...I want to wear a blue dress, my pearl earrings, the heart my Dad gave to me, and I want to get my hair done and look beautiful for the occasion, as though I were on a Date with a nice guy. I want to look beautiful on the last day of my life...by then I would've lost all my weight.

I'm so sorry for being me...