I've Always Felt Out of Place
I grew up in a very rural place - and there was only 42 kids in my elementary school. The high school that all of the students attended afterwards had over 900 students. The school still wasn't all that big, as standards go, but it was very large by comparison.
Where I grew up was very rural. As a result, all the kids from my first school were a bit awkward and weren't considered very cool or popular in the larger school. It was a fairly pronounced difference, and it resulted in many things - one of which was that all the kids would eat lunch at the same table - the "geek" table...
Well, I was a mean kid - during my elementary years. I teased the other kids, because I never got teased back - I was too quick-witted for them. But, when I went to the larger school, not only was I not so quick-witted by comparison to everyone that I was unable to be teased (I was teased) but I also had the opportunity to view both a person teasing, and the person being teased - from a 3rd party perspective. I came away from that encounter feeling like the child doing the teasing - was not a good person. I decided I would not be a mean person any longer, and that I would be a kind and caring person instead.
Well, it wasn't super hard for me. I was fairly well accepted and even a bit popular. I always felt out of place there though, because I felt like I wasn't being loyal to my old friends, and that I wasn't therefore being able to be accepted by my new ones - by not abandoning the old ones.
The other kids from my town all sat at one lunch table together - and other awkward kids filled in the other seats. It was always constant, throughout the entire 6 years of junior high and high school. I sat with them for a long time, but then I would go and sit with the "popular" kids too, sometimes.
I had been approached by popular kids - and they'd say things like, "Nate, me and my friends like you and think you are cool. Why don't you always sit with us, why do you even hang out with those guys?" - meaning the other kids from my rural area.
Now - I had grown up and gone through my first school with these kids. They were my friends for years, and I felt very disloyal turning my back on them. I felt it was not the right thing to do - and so I did not do it. However, I really wanted to be popular and I wanted to be liked. So I did my best to "clique jump."
I would sit with the popular kids for a few days, then with my old friends, and back again. There also was another group of the "bad" kids, and I also added them to my pattern. The "bad" kids were the ones that the girls liked, so I wanted to be "in" with them.
Well, I went through high school that way - not wanting to be disloyal, but not wanting to not move on as well. My hopes was that I would make everyone happy and things would be amazing.
Whoops - what ended up happening was that I didn't make any good connections at all, and the only thing that stuck was my reputation for being bad, lol...
I have a feeling this guided my subconscious, and continues to do so. I still always want people to like me, but I am very much a hermit. I SEEM friendly and outgoing; even happy-go-lucky; and I even sometimes feel like that too. However, I am always filled with a core of extreme sadness and feelings of abandonment. I feel like I have tried very hard to help make life better for those that I cared about, and in return, I received nothing from those same friends. Apparently my desire for assisting them in creating a satisfying and rewarding life, is not a desire that they themselves share for me.
I have spent a lot of time with counselors and therapists, especially this current year. I find that the more I talk with them, the sadder I really am. I have a very optimistic facade and I even feel optimistic in my deepest heart of hearts; but life has caused it to be driven deeper and deeper - buried beneath layers of life-created-pessimism.
If I am logical - I need to be honest and accept that NOBODY is truly kind. At least nobody that I know (one potential pen pal exception) is and that's how I must get my experience.
Logic, and experience, shows me that people are greedy and selfish but they just do not want to APPEAR to be greedy and selfish, because by not appearing greedy - they are offered more opportunities to BENEFIT from that greed.
Now, this is slightly twisted for family members or "loved ones" but it's still selfish if you dissolve it completely. Sure, a father might give some money to his daughter or son - but it's not just for them to enjoy - no no no... It's so they can set themselves up in a better situation, and earn more money continuously. This enables the father to feel like he "raised the children" successfully, because after all, success is measured by bank account depth.
It's quite frequent for men to get trophy wives - and increasingly common for women to get their trophy husbands. What is occurring here? Well the rich person wants to have the reputation of having a beautiful partner. The partner undoubtedly gets an easier and more luxurious life, by modifying their behavior to please the wealthy person. If the guy doesn't like doing the dishes (just an innocuous example) he still WILL do the dishes, if his wife is the one with the money - if it pleases her. It's him modifying his behavior to socially engineer his surroundings. The loss of the finances by the woman, is less important than the receipt of the manipulated behavior.
This is what 'love' is? I thought there was the real thing out there - but it didn't seem to work super well for me when I actually thought I had it. Thus, I feel it's not often a 2 way street, and instead I believe it's more of a 1 way, with this manipulation enabling and enticing the option of return traffic.
I don't know - I just think I'm destined to be alone and lonely.
Maybe if I keep writing at least I can begin to connect with people on that level. I can convey my thoughts and hopefully people will identify and enjoy my attempts at understanding.
Thanks for reading...
Where I grew up was very rural. As a result, all the kids from my first school were a bit awkward and weren't considered very cool or popular in the larger school. It was a fairly pronounced difference, and it resulted in many things - one of which was that all the kids would eat lunch at the same table - the "geek" table...
Well, I was a mean kid - during my elementary years. I teased the other kids, because I never got teased back - I was too quick-witted for them. But, when I went to the larger school, not only was I not so quick-witted by comparison to everyone that I was unable to be teased (I was teased) but I also had the opportunity to view both a person teasing, and the person being teased - from a 3rd party perspective. I came away from that encounter feeling like the child doing the teasing - was not a good person. I decided I would not be a mean person any longer, and that I would be a kind and caring person instead.
Well, it wasn't super hard for me. I was fairly well accepted and even a bit popular. I always felt out of place there though, because I felt like I wasn't being loyal to my old friends, and that I wasn't therefore being able to be accepted by my new ones - by not abandoning the old ones.
The other kids from my town all sat at one lunch table together - and other awkward kids filled in the other seats. It was always constant, throughout the entire 6 years of junior high and high school. I sat with them for a long time, but then I would go and sit with the "popular" kids too, sometimes.
I had been approached by popular kids - and they'd say things like, "Nate, me and my friends like you and think you are cool. Why don't you always sit with us, why do you even hang out with those guys?" - meaning the other kids from my rural area.
Now - I had grown up and gone through my first school with these kids. They were my friends for years, and I felt very disloyal turning my back on them. I felt it was not the right thing to do - and so I did not do it. However, I really wanted to be popular and I wanted to be liked. So I did my best to "clique jump."
I would sit with the popular kids for a few days, then with my old friends, and back again. There also was another group of the "bad" kids, and I also added them to my pattern. The "bad" kids were the ones that the girls liked, so I wanted to be "in" with them.
Well, I went through high school that way - not wanting to be disloyal, but not wanting to not move on as well. My hopes was that I would make everyone happy and things would be amazing.
Whoops - what ended up happening was that I didn't make any good connections at all, and the only thing that stuck was my reputation for being bad, lol...
I have a feeling this guided my subconscious, and continues to do so. I still always want people to like me, but I am very much a hermit. I SEEM friendly and outgoing; even happy-go-lucky; and I even sometimes feel like that too. However, I am always filled with a core of extreme sadness and feelings of abandonment. I feel like I have tried very hard to help make life better for those that I cared about, and in return, I received nothing from those same friends. Apparently my desire for assisting them in creating a satisfying and rewarding life, is not a desire that they themselves share for me.
I have spent a lot of time with counselors and therapists, especially this current year. I find that the more I talk with them, the sadder I really am. I have a very optimistic facade and I even feel optimistic in my deepest heart of hearts; but life has caused it to be driven deeper and deeper - buried beneath layers of life-created-pessimism.
If I am logical - I need to be honest and accept that NOBODY is truly kind. At least nobody that I know (one potential pen pal exception) is and that's how I must get my experience.
Logic, and experience, shows me that people are greedy and selfish but they just do not want to APPEAR to be greedy and selfish, because by not appearing greedy - they are offered more opportunities to BENEFIT from that greed.
Now, this is slightly twisted for family members or "loved ones" but it's still selfish if you dissolve it completely. Sure, a father might give some money to his daughter or son - but it's not just for them to enjoy - no no no... It's so they can set themselves up in a better situation, and earn more money continuously. This enables the father to feel like he "raised the children" successfully, because after all, success is measured by bank account depth.
It's quite frequent for men to get trophy wives - and increasingly common for women to get their trophy husbands. What is occurring here? Well the rich person wants to have the reputation of having a beautiful partner. The partner undoubtedly gets an easier and more luxurious life, by modifying their behavior to please the wealthy person. If the guy doesn't like doing the dishes (just an innocuous example) he still WILL do the dishes, if his wife is the one with the money - if it pleases her. It's him modifying his behavior to socially engineer his surroundings. The loss of the finances by the woman, is less important than the receipt of the manipulated behavior.
This is what 'love' is? I thought there was the real thing out there - but it didn't seem to work super well for me when I actually thought I had it. Thus, I feel it's not often a 2 way street, and instead I believe it's more of a 1 way, with this manipulation enabling and enticing the option of return traffic.
I don't know - I just think I'm destined to be alone and lonely.
Maybe if I keep writing at least I can begin to connect with people on that level. I can convey my thoughts and hopefully people will identify and enjoy my attempts at understanding.
Thanks for reading...
41-45, M
