I Am Just Venting

They made me learn a basic traditional dance for tomorrow's function. Yesterday also we were doing the same. Today my movements were a bit graceful, kind of like flowing, you know...not as much as others, but still..it was quite okay. And that was bcoz i wasnt looking at them or copying them, just trying to do it in my own way, ignoring how good others are doing. There are 4 steps and i was just counting it in my own way, and following the music and doing. I stopped thinking of who is seeing or how they are doing..and it was kind of nice. I dont know how i looked lol but i felt good inside. Anyways tomorrow i'm just going to do it for 5-10 min. just for the sake of it.

I hate meeting all the relatives. There are so many. Omg. This is what i used to hate as a kid too..whenever some relative used to come home, and mom used to tell me to go out in the room, greet them, give them water. God! I dont even know them! They dont even know me! So why should i have to greet them n meet them. They didn't come here to meet me and if they ask,"i'm fine, how are you.. " and in my mind i would be saying, I'm not fine coz you came here and now i have to smile and sit here waiting till you go. They say its a society and community and interdependence and blah blah but what use is all that if no one is ever there for you when you really need someone by your side! Where were these relatives when i was fighting hard, struggling to win my mom's love and affection that i could never feel. But in their eyes my mom is the best coz she was so good taking care of my grandmother. Where were they when i was trying to convince my parents so hard that i wanted to join airforce. Instead they shattered my dreams by saying girls are not allowed to fly fighter jets.

It just irks me that they don't want to get out of their limited-mindedness. I cant live like that. Grow up, get married, have kids, earn if you get chance, gossip, go to marriages and function, then again get ur kids married, let their kids have kids, take care of your grandkids and die. I just cant!! I mean dont they ever think of life?! Of everything? Of why they do what they do? Are they even conscious or just robots?! It makes me want to run away from all of it. Maybe they are content with their lives that they dont question it...but i cant. I need to think (or atleast write) about things that bother me, about things that i love, about things that amaze me, about life and about death, about everything and nothing.. not gossip, who did what etc just general things about life.. how can they not wonder and notice those small flowers near the gate? i could just sit and keep gazing at those flowers, but no, i have lots of other things to do, i have to "get ready" and greet them n meet the stranger-relatives.

I just don't understand all that pretentiousness. If garba and all that is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, then they should do it.. why include me, when i dont enjoy it?! Why do i have to learn and do it?! Why cant i just sit and watch the others?! Why shouldn't i do what is fun n enjoyable for me?! But instead i have to learn and learn to enjoy it. Its fine with me coz i dont mind it except that it keeps bubbling within and i need to vent it at places like this.

The only thing that bothers me is that everyone should be like everyone else. Everyone has to fkng love garba. There's no space for individuality, there's no space for you to grow in any other way...you must do what others are doing. There's no space for you to grow in your own way, you can't bend this way, you can't grow in that direction.. just follow others blindly. I can't believe i grew up here! Its like you force a plant to grow in a limited space and it will only grow that much...but if you had given more space, that same plant would've grown in different directions and without boundaries!

I'm just so grateful and glad that i've always had this inner instinct, intuition or inner urge to get away from here, to run away from here, to not stay here. I dont think i would've survived here if I had stayed back after my 12th. I still cant live here, i can visit, but i cant stay. Same goes with the strong inner feeling of not getting married or having kids...but they don't understand. They want my happiness then i'm happy this way being alone. I cant, i just cant ever get married. And i wont. I know they wont force it on me, i'm grateful for that, but they keep expecting even though i told them i'm not going to.

I sometimes wonder if they are right in their own way... but i just dont want to know their viewpoint. They are humans, they can live in whichever way, following whichever culture they want.
All i ask is that just let me live. Let me live in my own way.. a way that even i dont know what it is, i just keep walking one day at a time. i can't not listen to my heart, that keeps telling me to walk my own path, alone.